Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
And those expectations and $1.19 will get you a cup of coffee from 7-Eleven.
My point is that you really don't know, if they're away, you have to trust that they're making the right decisions. If evidence proves they aren't, of course you should stop your support.
THIS!!! You raise them up right and then trust they will make good decisions. It's so very easy for "support" to slide into "control."
My stepson is 18. I dont @ all feel he is an adult but my husband says bc he is 18 he is an adult & can make his own decisions. The law doesnt dictate maturity. I dont believe that @ 18 a parent should treat them like they’re a full-on adult. I am not saying to treat them like children either … but there does have to be a line drawn.
Stepkiddo is in college & skips classes a lot. His grades are overall good but my husband doesnt ever say anything about it & says to me “its his life” … i still think that @ 18 you are not really an adult yet & still need parental advice & intervention.
Idk. Maybe it’s just me. Some 18 year olds are probably more mature. I think my stepson still needs some guidance … & thats ok!
You keep posting about this in numerous threads. Time for a sit down with the men in your life?
And those expectations and $1.19 will get you a cup of coffee from 7-Eleven.
My point is that you really don't know, if they're away, you have to trust that they're making the right decisions. If evidence proves they aren't, of course you should stop your support.
I know in the sense that during our conversations he has talked about how much he enjoys a lab or a class that he attends and talks about specifics. No, I don't track his phone or have him under surveillance.
Even if he lived at home, he could leave the house to go to class but I would have no way of proving that he actually attended the class. Maybe he went bowling instead.
On the positive side, I am 99% sure that he is attending class just like the Op is 99% sure that her stepson is skipping class. Parents know these things about their kids.
My other son has graduated from college and I know that he goes to work day in/day out and that he's not skipping work to hang out in a park or whatever.
Skipping class wasnt an option. Smoking pot wasnt an option. Not working wasnt an option (though he works), not going to college wasnt an option & my parents would not stand for it.
We had senior cut day in high school. My parents made me go to school & purposely made me borrow their car so they could drive past the school & make sure the car was in the lot … lol yup. But maybe my parents are nuts and a little too extreme but then i feel my husband is maybe too extreme on the other side.
If it were my son, i think somewhere in the middle is good.
All of this was YOU growing up. Apparently you have no say so when it comes to your step son and never had. He may consider residing in Hotel Mama for the next 20 years. This is something to take up with your husband and again - you are a couple of years behind the power curve.
My stepson is 18. I dont @ all feel he is an adult but my husband says bc he is 18 he is an adult & can make his own decisions. The law doesnt dictate maturity. I dont believe that @ 18 a parent should treat them like they’re a full-on adult. I am not saying to treat them like children either … but there does have to be a line drawn.
Stepkiddo is in college & skips classes a lot. His grades are overall good but my husband doesnt ever say anything about it & says to me “its his life” … i still think that @ 18 you are not really an adult yet & still need parental advice & intervention.
Idk. Maybe it’s just me. Some 18 year olds are probably more mature. I think my stepson still needs some guidance … & thats ok!
"Immature" is a label that gets slapped on any behavior that deviates from cultural norms....but is deviating from cultural norms always a bad thing?
I say it has to be considered on a case by case basis. For instance, if class-skipping is the issue but grades are coming out OK, what is the issue? Does the professor take attendance and have a strict rule, or is it more of a broader concern that there isn't a "work ethic" or "self discipline"?
The only real test of work ethic is how a person performs on the job. Work and school aren't really the same thing. I've known people that were great in school but didn't stand out so well professionally, and there are others that dropped out of school and started a business.
There is more than one path to success. The question is, is an individual following their own path, or simply "a mess"?
his parents were the same way. My parents were not & even @ 40, they still are involved in some of my decision-making, for advice if anything
From what you have shared so far, this seems to be where the rub comes in. You were both raised differently. And apparently how each of you were raised, is how you think junior should be raised.
You want to watch a teen mature quickly? Ship them off to 1 of the armed forces boot camps. There they get a big serving of maturity on a daily basis. The slow learners get an extra big serving. And they have an endless supply of servings.
"Immature" is a label that gets slapped on any behavior that deviates from cultural norms....but is deviating from cultural norms always a bad thing?
I say it has to be considered on a case by case basis. For instance, if class-skipping is the issue but grades are coming out OK, what is the issue? Does the professor take attendance and have a strict rule, or is it more of a broader concern that there isn't a "work ethic" or "self discipline"?
The only real test of work ethic is how a person performs on the job. Work and school aren't really the same thing. I've known people that were great in school but didn't stand out so well professionally, and there are others that dropped out of school and started a business.
There is more than one path to success. The question is, is an individual following their own path, or simply "a mess"?
Yeah... I've been a non-conformist of one kind or another my entire life. It isn't an excuse for immature behavior, and the two are not the same.
There are some basics about being a functional member of society that one has got to accept, or they are indeed a "mess" and not just a cool free spirit marching to the beat of their own drummer.
Things like, when you enter into a situation and obligate yourself to something, then you should do everything you can to meet your obligations. So if you go into a class, and you are presented with the rules of the class (which generally students are) and you say, "OK I have read these rules, and I understand them, and I will follow them, and I agree to these consequences if I don't"... Then indeed you will be bound to that, and should not expect to be bailed out or forgiven if you later change your mind or don't feel like it anymore.
Because it's some basic stuff about how our society works right there. Complaints about immaturity are not normally because someone is adequately meeting their obligations and enjoying themselves (even in unconventional ways) in their own time. It's about people who dodge responsibilities and then expect others to pay the price for it, or crying "not fair!" when the consequences show up that were precisely what you were told they would be.
Children get shielded from the full weight of consequences, and they have less power and freedom. Parents exert as much control as possible so that kids cannot create big consequences that they are not ready to be culpable for. The problem with teens and young adults is that they want all of the freedom and none of the consequences and that's just not how any of this works.
But the awesome thing about being an adult, is that it really is less about other people's arbitrary opinions and more about actual results. So if you exercise your agency and freedom in positive ways and find success, no matter how you get there, you will then...have success. You will have a good result, that is yours, to enjoy. And you've got the power to determine which it's gonna be.
My stepson is 18. I dont @ all feel he is an adult but my husband says bc he is 18 he is an adult & can make his own decisions. The law doesnt dictate maturity. I dont believe that @ 18 a parent should treat them like they’re a full-on adult. I am not saying to treat them like children either … but there does have to be a line drawn.
Stepkiddo is in college & skips classes a lot. His grades are overall good but my husband doesnt ever say anything about it & says to me “its his life” … i still think that @ 18 you are not really an adult yet & still need parental advice & intervention.
Idk. Maybe it’s just me. Some 18 year olds are probably more mature. I think my stepson still needs some guidance … & thats ok!
Haven't read the thread yet, but I can say that my 19 yo, while mature in many ways, is not a complete adult yet. I wouldn't trust her to live on her own and survive. She's artsy and her head is in the clouds more often than not. She's very responsible and yet...isn't. Perhaps in a few years once she's done with school she'll be more ready, but right now - no way. I still coach and advise her. *lol*
OTOH, my almost-18 yo would probably do pretty well if he had to be more independent and responsible for himself. He's more level-headed and has more common sense. He's looking into going out of state for a paid internship after his freshman year of college - it would mean renting an apartment and living on his own completely independently for 3 months. I have no fears about him doing this because I know he'd be able to handle it. I do coach and advise him, but I don't have to hound him about anything, whereas I do with her.
Each kid is different. My parents were married with a kid on the way at 19 and 21. Me at 19? NO WAY could I have done that!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
