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There are lots of threads written by concerned parents whose children seem to coast through life until they hit 16, 17, or 18, and then inexplicably go off the rails. Raising our own children and dealing with other parents who have raised own, my wife and I have discussed this issue with a great deal of interest.
Is it really inexplicable? Or do the parents plant the seeds of their own children's problems? Or is it all attributable to drugs? I'd like your input. My personal bias, especially having viewed my own nephews and nieces, is that most kids who go wrong do so because their parents were asleep at the switch for several years. But I could be wrong.
I agree. Very few of these kids just go "bad" suddenly. I think that parents have ignored the problems, made excuses for the kids or just were not paying attention for years. Then the kids get caught and the parents can't ignore it any longer.
You have to be on top of things from when the kids are little!!
I think it goes to the whole trying to be friends with your kids thing and not disciplining when they are young b/c of that. I also think it can be too much discipline and control. There is a delicate balance you have to keep as a parent. Too much and kids go crazy as soon as they can. Too little and they do the same. But if most parents are honest, they saw the writing on the wall when the kids were growing up. My dad was mean. He drank a lot when I was growing up and didn't let us do much of anything (no sports or activities until junior high when other parents brought me home so I could be a cheerleader) and I had to beg plead and bargain to get to stay with a friend and there was only a small number that passed the test. I could have easily gone the other way but I was so afraid of him, I didn't do anything too bad. I saw the consequences with my older brothers and sister. My husband and his sister, on the other hand, were raised in church and had parents who attended every activity and sporting event they were in. Very involved and nurturing. He turned out ok. She went nuts, got into drugs, got pregnant and didn't know who the dad was until her son was 2. Has never really gotten what being a parent is about b/c she is the most selfish person I think I've ever met in my life. So it does depend on the person too I guess. After saying all this, I do think some good kids can hook up with wrong crowd and change regardless of what their upbringing has been like. But there again, parents need to be aware of who their kids are with and what they are doing.
Good input here but i would like to add that sometimes it is not always the parents. I would like to add the kids friends to the equation as part of problems that arise. Association with others that have an influence over them is one factor that should not be discounted.
Very true. One new kid in the mix can change everything. I have my kid's friends at our home as much as I can so that I can see what they are really like. And yes, I do eavesdrop.
Good input here but i would like to add that sometimes it is not always the parents. I would like to add the kids friends to the equation as part of problems that arise. Association with others that have an influence over them is one factor that should not be discounted.
True, but a halfway vigilant parent knows what's going on and can tell when a child is being a bad influence.
I also think Austinsmom makes an exceptionally good point. We are not supposed to be our children's friends. We're supposed to be their parents. Somehow, raised on television sitcoms, we've all come to think that parents and their children are supposed to be buddies, and that issues are supposed to be thrashed out.
Well, it's not that way. While there are appropriate ways for kids to disagree, the parent's opinion is the one that matters. Yet, when you turn on something as supposedly benign as the Disney Channel, you see kids talking to parents that would absolutely never, ever fly for a skinny minute in my home.
I agree that friends can change a kid. That is why parents need to know who their kids are hanging out with and watch for changes in their behavior when they start hanging out with new friends.
My daughter is only 9, but we had problems with one of her friends. It was the first friend she made after we moved. My hubby and I didn't like her much. She didn't listen when she was at our house, and it became more and more apparent that she wanted to be our childs ONLY friend. She would tell our daughter not to be friends with so-and-so (pretty much everyone else) because they were brats or whatever. This went on for quite a while. Our daughter wasn't making any other friends at all, because she was listening to this girl. We finally had to cut off the relationship. I'm glad we did. It did start to effect our daughters behavior. She was getting to be mean and judgemental toward other kids including her own siblings. At first she was mad that she couldn't play with this little girl anymore, but after a while she noticed how mean this kid was to everyone else.
I don't know about most of you, but for myself in answering this question, I thought about who I was @ 16 & 17....I WAS SNEAKY!! My parents hadn't changed their parenting style @ all! It was ALL ME!! If i knew my parents wouldn't let me go someplace, i would just make up a lie in it's place so they would approve.
eg. "i going to my bf Brenda's house after school" ok no problem. where would i really go? a boyfriend's house or a friend's house they didn't know about to do things to this day they still think i've never done.
I realized that as long as they trusted me (i was always a good kid for the most part) i could do these things and get away w/them every so often. It's not always the parents. As much as people hate to admit it, children are INDIVIDUALS and a lot smarter and sneakier than people give them credit for.
There are lots of threads written by concerned parents whose children seem to coast through life until they hit 16, 17, or 18, and then inexplicably go off the rails. Raising our own children and dealing with other parents who have raised own, my wife and I have discussed this issue with a great deal of interest.
Is it really inexplicable? Or do the parents plant the seeds of their own children's problems? Or is it all attributable to drugs? I'd like your input. My personal bias, especially having viewed my own nephews and nieces, is that most kids who go wrong do so because their parents were asleep at the switch for several years. But I could be wrong.
I'm not sure you can even know the whole story until the kid is 25 or so. I think back on myself and my friends and, at least to a limited extent, we could have been seen as "going off the rails," if what you mean is drinking, smoking pot, having sex, skipping school, etc. Most of us turned out just fine in the long run.
Those are the years when kids are turning into adults and that necessarily involves doing stupid things and making mistakes. That's how you learn. I expect my daughter to do some of those things despite my best efforts. I think all you can hope for is that the mistakes they make are not deadly.
That brings to mind one of my favorite expressions: Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
I think some kids, even though the parents are very involved with them, will still go off the rails. Not all kids are products of their environments. Some kids are just messed up from the word go or are easily influenced by other kids. And as much as the parents lean on them to do the right thing they will still rebel and go the opposite direction as they should.
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My parents hadn't changed their parenting style @ all! It was ALL ME!! If i knew my parents wouldn't let me go someplace, i would just make up a lie in it's place so they would approve.
