I'm burning out and need advice

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

First of all, I recommend turning most, if not all, of what you are doing over to the your daughter and her coach/tutor.

Second, the suggestion to have her study with a friend is a great one. As long as the studying gets done and the homework turned in, this continues.

Third, you may want to focus on the superpowers of ADHD. https://www.additudemag.com/slidesho...tives-of-adhd/. might be a good place to start.

BTW, two of our children and one of our neighbor's kids were diagnosed with ADHD. We made sure they all got lots of exercise, especially first thing in the morning. We used to take one our son to the ice rink to skate and wear himself out before school. It helped him manage that energy. Maybe running together before school?

All have grown up to be wonderful, compassionate adults with damn decent jobs that make use of their creativity, ability to multitask, ability to step back and see the big picture instead of just trudging along.

[silibran]

Originally Posted by southernbelle2

Here's an update.

I decided to relax this weekend and was surprised when my daughter came to me for a heart to heart talk about school. She asked me what options she had for attending another school which caught me off guard because she seemed as if she was really excited about this school. She said she wants better grades and thinks her current school may be too hard for her so we discussed other options for different schools in the area and I told her that it's her decision and if she wants to change schools then I'll look into it.

I also explained that if we change schools and her study habits stay the same, she might see the same results in a different building. She seemed to take my comments to heart and I didn't badger her, I simply listened and gave her my advice/opinion. One thing I love about our mother/daughter relationship is I've never lied to her and don't ever plan to, so I told her what the realities of the situation are. Being in a different school won't bother me if she's happy but she has her heart set on going to the magnet high school I attended (her choice not mine) and that may be difficult if she leaves the magnet program now. She thinks the other middle magnet school (there are 2 in our area) will have an easier curriculum but with the common core, I told her that probably won't be the case.

For now, she said she would try to make things work at the current school and I told her that if she wants my help with anything, I would help her however she needs. I let her know that SHE is the one who has to do the work, not me so I plan to take a step back to see how things go. I also let her know that I'm proud of what she's been able to accomplish so far this year and she took it upon herself to tell me that she wants her grades to improve. That really shocked me because I was under the impression that she didn't care.

So for now, she plans to try to continue on at her current school but at the end of the school year, if she feels she needs to change schools, I'll look into moving her to another school and hope for the best.

This is great news! Best wishes.

[OPRFmama]

You are being incredibly ableist in the way you speak about your daughter. She has a diagnosed neurological condition, and rather than learn more about it and the manifestations / symptoms she’s obviously struggling with, you’ve settled for believing she’s lazy and she should just be left to flounder and fail. How sad for your child.

[Riley.]

Originally Posted by CCS414

Start her on a low carb diet with no stimulants. No soda, no bread etc..Multiple studies have shown that removing sugary stimulants (yeah, your body converts bread into sugar) from a childs diet increases a their ability's to focus for long periods of time. Children with ADHD are doubly impacted by high carb diets than those without ADHD.

I read this somewhere, too. If you are feeling unmotivated, bored, etc, eat something with protein and fat.....

[wellnesszing]

Originally Posted by southernbelle2

My daughter started middle school this year and as a 6th grader, she's smart but lazy. The effects of virtual learning last year has left me with a child who doesn't want to study, says she hates school and is doing the minimum to pass her classes. Progress reports came out yesterday and she's got A's and B's with C's in a couple of core courses for not turning in materials.

She doesn't check Google Classroom for assignments and doesn't seem to care. I have GC loaded on my cell phone and know more about what's going on with her assignments than she does. Her teachers are super helpful but there's only so much they can do so anything dealing with forcing her to study and/or do homework is super stressful for both of us. I even pay a tutor to help her 3 days a week.

She's diagnosed with ADHD and I've given her a planner to write down assignments but she often forgets to do that so I'm left with a kid who comes home and expects me to guide her through what she needs to do.

My child is on medication for ADHD so here's my approach to homework and studying:
- I pay a tutor (who is a teacher) to help her 3x's a week
- I create quizlets and quizizz's to help her study the materials
- I make flashcards
- We have a routine where we start homework at a specific time everyday
- We try to end studying and homework around the same time everyday so she gets plenty of rest
- I allow frequent breaks because I know she can easily get overwhelmed and distracted
- I'm in contact with her teachers with any issues or questions we may have
- I ask my hubby to help but she prefers me to help her but he does help some
- I was able to get her on a 504 plan so she would be allowed more time during testing

My child has never been a self starter or a kid who can work independently without someone hoovering over her to make sure she gets her work done. I can't leave her to study or do homework alone because her time management skills are horrible. I work in a stressful job and I'm usually mentally exhausted when I get home so adding another 3+ hours to an already stressful day is taking a toll on me. She's in a magnet school that requires her grades to be a certain gpa or she'll end up on academic probation or will get kicked out.

Sadly, I've often thought about letting her crash and burn to let her see what the consequences of her actions but I can't give up on her and know the ADHD is a factor. I'm seriously thinking of switching her to another school but schools in our area are horrible and this one is one of the best (without paying for private). She's a very social kid so losing her friends would be devastating and I'd hate to do that to her. I've talked to her psychiatrist and she says I'm doing all I can do as a parent. I'm trying to encourage her by reminding her that her school is amazing and she needs to meet with her teachers when she has free time if she needs help with something but she never does. She expects me or the tutor to help her. Her tutor is a good friend so I may ask her advice on this also but I don't know what else to do.

Any advice on how to help my child help herself before we both burn out? What should I do?

This is one of the most common problem faced by parents of this age. Specially because of online schooling during pandemic period children faced the problem of isolation and mental trauma. Many children started behaving in an unusual weird way. As you rightly said your daughter is suffering from ADHD too so things have become difficult for you.



I think you need to spend some more time with her - not 3 hours after your tedious job - but one hour will do. During this one hour session you need to talk with her and make her aware of her responsibilities. You need to explain her the struggle you and your partner are facing in their careers and what all you people are doing for her. She is grown enough to understand the value in your words and even if she does not verbally respond immediately, she will learn the hardship her parents are suffering.

This self realization will help her a lot and she will become self motivated. I am sure this will happen as I have done the same with my kids.



Once the children understand their duties and responsibilities, they perform better.

[aramax666]

OP, I am in the same boat as you, albeit , and wrangling with changing my expectations of my son / and myself as a parent.
I am realizing that sticking to the age old script of pushing your child to reach their full potential may be flawed since I am having a hard time accepting that he may be not as motivated as I want him to be.

I am struggling to accept , but nonetheless, trying to, that he may have his own path through life. And that I have to re-think what being a good parent means for me and my child. its heart breaking for me, since, I am so vested in MY dreams of what I believe is good for him. Letting go of that will be really hard, But I will try to find a way to guide him despite the sense of failing my imagined role in his life.

I wish you the best. And wish the best for your daughter.