Anyone regret Parenthood? (custody, teens, baby, 13 year old)
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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 17 days ago)
35,665 posts, read 18,034,145 times
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I love my 3 kids with a fierce love I never knew was possible. I remember walking the floors with my first infant, trying to get him back to bed in the wee hours, with the radio playing softly in the background. The song "I know I'll Never Love This Way Again" by Dionne Warwick came on, and I dissolved into tears. Perfect. Hit me in the heart. Put giving up sleep in true joyful perspective. But I did love that way again, two more times.
When you have children, you agree to let your heart walk around outside your body.
I will say, there were times, when I thought about the couples I know who don't have kids, and they seem incredibly care-free. A little bit unanchored, but care-free.
And I've had moments in my life when I thought their lives looked mighty attractive. Once, when my son was facing a diagnosis of paralysis and a wheelchair (thankfully, didn't happen, he healed) and other times when they were in extreme emotional pain or teenage out of control behaviors, I wanted the sort of anesthetized appearing lives of my child free friends. It's like they were living life in a padded room with soft music playing in the background, compared to mine.
Very, very interesting thread, OP. And thanks to all who stepped forward and posted, especially the ones for whom it took an act of bravery to do so.
I miss sleep. I miss alone time. I'm pretty sure at one time I had some hobbies, but I don't remember what they were. I waited until my late 30s to have kids, and at first I thought I was doing something wrong because I wasn't immediately head over heels in love when they were born. I think I'm just the kind of person who has to know someone before loving them. You can't really know a newborn. It's more like a really badly-paying job.
Now my girls are 7 and 8 and I can't imagine loving them more. The more they grow and become real people, the more I just want to smoosh their little faces and kiss them all over their heads. But I can see where some people would develop regrets around parenting. It's really hard. It's not always fun. And if you started young and never really got to have an independent life, it would be easy to let regrets slip in.
This has been really interesting to read. Thank you for posting!
I know I fall into this category, which is why I chose to not have kids. I want my money to go toward my husband and I and traveling … not to video games, toys and bullcrap.
I also work 12+ hour days and so does my husband so our lifestyle is not conducive to having children. We know this and we're perfectly fine with it.
Bringing a child into the world in our situation would not be fair to the child.
I certainly can appreciate your point of view. To each their own. It is far better not having children, than to bring children into this world because "society" says it's the thing to do, and not be appreciated and loved.
When I told my mom I didn't intend to have kids, she told me she supported that decision, and that she wished that had been an option when she was young, because she'd never wanted kids. So that was...candid. Explained a lot, in retrospect.
As a person without biological children of my own, I've had a surprising number of people quietly confess to me, "of course I love my children, but if I could go back in time..."
I think there are a lot of people who, while they might not feel comfortable saying they regret it, as that's like wishing their kid out of existence, would make a different choice if they had a second go-around at the childbearing years. I think there are also a significant quantity of people who frankly do regret it, but have to keep that to themselves.
The father of the Newtown shooter regretted that his son had ever been born. But the father had had a good relationship with the child, until the divorce and the crazy mother keeping the young man from getting help for his mental illness, and giving him access to firearms, and training him in their use. I always wanted to write to the father and tell him that despite the horrible crime that his son had committed, he should cherish the memories that he had of parenting the young boy. Despite what the boy wound up as (and it seemed that it happened in spite of the father's best efforts to intervene, not because of the father), I felt that the father should try to focus on the happy memories he had of being with his son when he was young.
Oh, come on! Mother is to blame for everything? I doubt it.
My mom on her deathbed said that she should have stopped at 3 kids. I'm number 4. I'll choose to believe it was the morphine. She was a great, loving mom.
I was actually the kid who caused the least trouble and accomplished the most. #3 has a lot of issues- he's on the autism spectrum.
I raised two stepkids who are now adults and have a teenage son now. The stepkids were very challenging but no huge issues like drugs or pregnancies or trouble with the law. My son is such a good kid that I worry he will wake up one morning and start rebelling like crazy after being close to perfect for so many years.
Only regret is that I've been raising kids my whole adult life. I wish I had taken more time to go further in school and to travel. Hoping for an early retirement to be able to do that.
When I told my mom I didn't intend to have kids, she told me she supported that decision, and that she wished that had been an option when she was young, because she'd never wanted kids. So that was...candid. Explained a lot, in retrospect.
As a person without biological children of my own, I've had a surprising number of people quietly confess to me, "of course I love my children, but if I could go back in time..."
I think there are a lot of people who, while they might not feel comfortable saying they regret it, as that's like wishing their kid out of existence, would make a different choice if they had a second go-around at the childbearing years. I think there are also a significant quantity of people who frankly do regret it, but have to keep that to themselves.
I agree. I always wanted kids but it's not for everyone. I think things have gotten better in terms of people feeling able to be honest about their decisions, but there is still a ton of pressure in people to procreate. Every child should be 100% wanted.
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