My Girlfriend has a 9YO daughter (child support, meal, divorced, support)
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She and I have been dating going on 9mos, she still hasn't introduced me to as her boyfriend for the sake of the 9yo little girl (LG). She has been divorced over a year, embattled with her ex for 10, and it was hell in her house when he was there.
At any rate, he still is the dad and the LG still goes and visits with the illusion that her folks will get back together which is 110% fact that they will indeed...not. She always ends up having an awful time.
I am so in love with this lady, she is amazing. I haven't moved in and we don't spend the night together at her house and/or when the LG is there.
My kid is 18 and the best kid ever, she is a college athlete, and we have an amazing relationship. I also coached girls for almost 10 years and most of them are on sports scholarships as well. I have an MBA and I am blessed to have a mission driven career.
At any rate, this LG deserves to be around a solid guy who loves her and her mom and can be a positive and healthy influence, the LG is amazing and smart and has huge potential. I would take a bullet for her. The problem is that she throws attitude to her mom, texts her that she doesn't want to see me or she doesn't want to go out with us, to come over to her house and especially not for special occasions like birthdays and such...even though her a$$hole dad won't be there either.
When I do go over, we make slime, talk about her electricity projects, I help her with her homework, she calls me over to show me what she learned on the piano, and we battle it out over UNO. I don't understand and neither does her mom. She and I would like to move forward with our relationship, but she is afraid of screwing up her LG.
I am of the opinion that the LG is playing her mom to get her way, when she texts, we are shut down...I am shut down. When her mom tries to have a conversation with her, she doesn't talk about it. She is scheduled for counseling, but ultimately that won't solve the issue.
I need some advice how to navigate this thing and how to advise my wonderful GF...
You need to step back. Way back. Unless your GF decides to make you a full time part of the family you will always be an outsider. This is not something that you can force her to do because you will regret it if you do. Maybe your GF still has some hope to get back with the father of her daughter.
You should decide how long you are willing to give this relationship if nothing changes otherwise, you could be waiting a very long time.
It is not surprising that a 9 year old wants her parents to get back together. Her world was torn apart through no fault of her own and she just wants her security back.
I am divorced, and I have an 11 year old son.I have him exactly 50% of the time. His mother has him the other half, and neither of us pays child support.
I have been dating a woman for 21 months now. But before I started dating anyone, I knew I would not introduce anyone to my son until I had dated them at least a year. My girlfriend lives in another town, so it made this a bit easier - there was not much reason for them to cross paths with each other. He did not need to know that I usually traveled to her town every other weekend to be with her.
But I am getting more and more serious with this woman. A few months ago, I finally told my son about her. So, he knows she exists. But, he will meet her for the very 1st time in 2 weeks. At first, he did not want to meet her. But, he changed his mind. I am happy about that, because I am hoping that the woman I am dating will eventually move to my town.
Their meeting will likely only be for a meal or so - just an hour... Maybe two. I am taking him out for a fun mini vacation, and we are staying in a hotel and will be doing fun things. This will be a first meeting for them. And, her and I talked about it in detail. She is a teacher, so she gave me some great advice. All this is new to me....
She will not be around for the entire trip he and I are doing, so he won't feel like she is encroaching. This was her idea.
I think it is a bad idea to introduce kids to someone too quickly - not every person you date works out. And, its not fair for the kid to see a revolving door of different partners, IMHO.
You have already met the child, though. But, you are just going to have to take it slow. Things take time. And, understand that no matter how much a person loves their partner, children always come first.
The LG going to counseling is a good first step, for her. Both her parents then need to get involved with counseling when the time is right. Until the parents work out their relationship, you will be on the outside, and that might take years. I agree with Charlotteborn; that is, you need to decide how much time you want to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out, and if you decide to back out, do it slowly.
For the sake of the LG step back. If you would take a bullet for her then at least step back for her and for your GF, who of course prioritizes her daughter but likely a bit conflicted about things with wanting to be with you. I think you should prioritize the LG over your relationship with her mom.
At any rate, this LG deserves to be around a solid guy who loves her and her mom and can be a positive and healthy influence, the LG is amazing and smart and has huge potential.
It's great that you recognize that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huskerdu68
When I do go over, we make slime, talk about her electricity projects, I help her with her homework, she calls me over to show me what she learned on the piano, and we battle it out over UNO.
How often do you go over? I'm betting LG is aware that you're more than just a "friend" at this point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huskerdu68
At any rate, this LG deserves to be around a solid guy who loves her and her mom and can be a positive and healthy influence, the LG is amazing and smart and has huge potential. I would take a bullet for her. The problem is that she throws attitude to her mom, texts her that she doesn't want to see me or she doesn't want to go out with us, to come over to her house and especially not for special occasions like birthdays and such...even though her a$$hole dad won't be there either.
Even the most amicable divorce/separation is traumatizing for a child. She may not even know why she acts this way. It's good that she's scheduled for counseling. And while you believe counseling may not solve the issue it will arm LG with the tools to eventually be okay with it. Your GF should ask the counselor for advice on how to talk to her daughter about you and ease her into accepting you as Mom's BF.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huskerdu68
She and I would like to move forward with our relationship, but she is afraid of screwing up her LG.
What's the timeline for moving forward? I hope it's not moving in together shortly after telling LG you're the BF.
If you would take a bullet for her then at least step back for her and for your GF, who of course prioritizes her daughter but likely a bit conflicted about things with wanting to be with you. I think you should prioritize the LG over your relationship with her mom.
I agree.
OP, it's like you're giving your resume to prove what a great father figure you would be, when it's just not time yet. It feels like you would go overboard to try and fix this child, who needs to be handled VERY carefully and not just be used to prove something about YOU.
Therapy and stability are the BEST thing for for the child right now, and you can still provide that without forcing something the family isn't ready for.
You're obviously getting only one, very slanted side of the story. It's unlikely that LG is completely miserable at her dad's place if she's still wishing them back together. And if you're getting these reports from your gf, she's not able to be the most objective reporter. Things may have been awful for your girlfriend but great for LG.
As you said, he's still her dad; so you have to stop seeing him as an a-hole and start seeing him as part of a long term positive arrangement.
LG is dealing with the after-effects of a split family and all that entails. Of course she will have attitude and resist further change. The best you can do is slow your roll.
I think it's a bad sign that you see the girl as "playing" her mom to get her way.
The girl just lost her family, is confused about her relationship with her father, and is not sure about her mom's relationship with you.
She probably likes you -- the playing together, wanting to show you stuff on the piano -- but may be feeling guilty and disloyal to her father because of it, so she pushes you away. She may be afraid to have a dad-type relationship with someone else because what if you and her mom split up. Divorce all over again, and she's hardly healed from the last one.
Of course, she does this. Of course! You should expect this and realizes it's totally natural.
I don't necessarily think you need to pull way back. I think it's fine to hang out casually and make slime, help her with homework. But I also think it's too early to become "the man of the house" or "the man in mom's life" when the girl still looks at her Dad that way.
My sister just remarried to a man she met 4 years ago -- about 1 year after her divorce. She mentioned a new friend to her kids about 3 months after she started dating him when they thought there could be a future of some sort. They met him as a friend about 3 months later... though they were around 10 and 8 so they figured out the dating thing pretty quickly.
It worked pretty much exactly the same as you are saying here. They thought he was fun, but didn't want him around. After meeting, they would do something all together maybe 3-4 times per month. After a year, she told her kids they were getting serious. The kids had another period of adjustment when they didn't want him around. Over the next year or so, they gradually worked him into their lives and, obviously, by the time he popped the question, they loved him and thought it was a great idea for my sister to marry him.
Give kids time, and give kids credit. They know what's going on and it's scary.
LG is already forced, through no fault of her own, to split her time between her mom and dad. And as someone whose parents went through a divorce, let me tell you that everything about that absolutely, positively sucks. The last thing she probably wants to do is share the little time she has with her mom with basically a stranger (you). As others have said, you are only getting one side of the story.
Give her space. Lots of it. Just because her mom is ready for a relationship doesn't mean her daughter is.
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