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I think you can influence them to be confident. Teach them they are capable. Every new task they accomplish makes them feel more powerful. Encourage their ideas and find out the things they excell at and encourage those things. If one likes music, get music lessons. If one likes sports, do that.
The mother of two of my grandsons (18 months apart) was career military. She had those boys bathing themselves and dressing themselves and doing chores very early. She believed that children were more capable than we give them credit for. Those boys are both Army Rangers now. Very confident.
I do believe in letting them fail. I just need some ideas of letting them fail. Digging holes is great, but I want the holes to have purpose...like building a fence etc.
I forget where I heard it, but someone once said the way to "teach" grit isn't to force their nose to the grindstone, but rather ask questions of them when they fail at something you know is achievable.
"Hmm...that didn't work. Why don't you think it worked? What do you think would work? What would you need to try that solution?"
meaning, some kids will look at every solution as simply requiring a bigger hammer to drive the nail. They tend to be naturally gritty.
But not everyone thinks that way. I had some football coaches that were extremely successful...and they didn't talk about tackling so hard you raised snot bubbles, or running us til we threw up, or obsessing over fundamentals going into the season. They watched film, and we ran plays. We ran plays in 50 different ways til the cows came home.
The reasoning was executing plays well was the most important thing to win games.
So if you tell a kid "study harder," to some of them its like saying, "go build a skyscraper." It isn't relevant and they might not know where to begin. So, you ask the questions needed to get them to put together a plan to study.
Just like you teach everything; lead by example. Try a difficult task with them, fail, try again, fail, try again.
This. ^^^^
And let them make decisions about classes, activities, and friends, even if you don't agree with them. Talk about examples in your own life where you were determined to accomplish something and what it took to do it, but do it as part of a natural conversation and not a lecture. Encourage them to do difficult things, but don't force them. If they fail, be empathetic and encouraging, but don't try to fix it.
By the time they're in middle school, they're old enough to talk to counselors about class changes and to teachers about missed or late work. If they don't get the outcome they want (the teacher won't change the grade, etc.) don't get involved. They'll figure out what they have to do to get the work in on time or do it right.
Also, you want to encourage them in their activities, but your world doesn't have to revolve around them. Of course you want to attend dance recitals and other one-time events, but you don't have to attend every game or every single thing they do. This lets them learn to do things for the feeling of accomplishment they get and not just to please you.
When they're old enough to work, let them work. Nothing teaches grit like getting up to do your crappy fast food job all summer long. And nothing is as gratifying as seeing your bank account grow and making decisions about how to spend the money you're earning.
Praise them for trying and being hard-workers when you see it. It's part of a long conversation.
Just like you teach everything; lead by example. Try a difficult task with them, fail, try again, fail, try again.
What are their interests? If musical, see what you can do to direct them into learning a more difficult, advanced piece.
If athletic, have them join a sport that requires a bit more heart. Cross Country, Football, Wrestling, Basketball, all require a lot of physical exercise and effort, and will teach kids to "push through."
I do believe in letting them fail. I just need some ideas of letting them fail. Digging holes is great, but I want the holes to have purpose...like building a fence etc.
My kids ride their bikes to school. That is their responsibility. They don’t get any screen time at all if they get the equivalent of a B on their report cards. They do one performance a year and if they don’t practice their instruments they face the humiliation of errors in front of a crowd. They must help with chores (raking, dishes, mopping, keeping room tidy) and if they don’t finish they don’t get money to spend when the family goes to the shopping center. And a lot of it is school based. I mean, I’m not out there wrangling cattle or anything. I am not going to manufacture suffering of one kind for them because their lives aren’t hard enough.
Let them develop grit against existential meaninglessness and the alienation of social media, lol! That’s what they realistically need to put up with. When they are teens, they will get jobs. They will get fired. Life happens.
I personally don’t think that going to a well organized camp is going to make a tee substantially different. I think people musattribute their personalities to these events afterwards.
First, give up the idea that a "forced lesson" in this is going to do ANY good.
Then ... give them chances to succeed on their own. Give them chances to come up with ideas and see them through.
Constant monitoring of kids' activities and whereabouts makes them LESS confident and less self-reliant.
Look into the concept of "scaffolding," where you give her challenges that are manageable. Give her chances for small successes, then act like a spotter in the weight room offering support but not doing it for her.
Above all, don't try to control them.
Yeah, the idea of a forced lesson just doesn't follow and could backfire. Natural determination is often the result of a true passion or interest in something. Something important to the individual. It's not all that different with adults. They can set goals based on self-directed interests and face whatever challenges they come across along the way. That's just the process of learning altogether.
Last year I challenged my oldest to finish her first manuscript by 9th grade. She's in the process of writing a few dystopian and urban fantasy stories and has to narrow it down. We've given her drawing challenges for fun, and encouraged her to explore other mediums of art to branch out. Last year she set out to teach herself Japanese and studied Japanese culture on her own, and took an interest in coding and wants to make a video game. We do encourage the older kids to narrow down their focus so they're not overwhelmed. The lessons they learn in the process are not forced. They know if they do X and practice their skills and craft, they'll reach their goals and that leads to a natural progression and determination.
I am 55 years old with two children(boy 30 & girl 23)...Both since birth have been so determined to achieve...I can honestly say that it was nothing I or my husband did...in fact unless I'm told I can't do something I usually won't try...lol...I wouldn't try to" force "determination or anything other than basic life skills such as a sense of right or wrong and manners...people say kids learn by example and in some ways, my kids did from a morality standpoint...but grit or determination nope...
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I'm wondering how much grit or determination you're trying to instill. At our local high school, academic competition is cut throat and by graduation time many of the more successful students are on anti anxiety medications because it kills them not to be on top. Their grit and determination will not let them rest. You certainly don't want kids who fold up the tent at the first sign of an obstacle, but neither do you want kids who can't rest if they aren't winning.
It's a fine balance. If by and large your kids are successful, maybe that's a great thing?
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