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Our oldest son will be 22 years old at the end of the month. He's always been a defiant, sneaky, disrespectful kid. At the age of 17yo he got a girl pregnant. He still had 1 year left in high school, while she had just recently graduated from HS. Right after that child was born they became pregnant with a second baby. By this time we were moved out of state and they were living with her family. We bought him a brand new car for the reliability factor and he wrecked it within a few months. He used his insurance money to buy a piece of crap truck to replace the brand new car. Their relationship was a disaster, as you can imagine. In January of this year he called us sick, living out of his truck (was kicked out of girlfriends house) and no job. We told him to come live with us and we'll help get you back on your feet. He can out and a couple months later he drove back out to pick up the gf and kids. While heading back his pos truck died on him. I drove out and picked them up. We laid down house rules, which he didn't follow and just having everybody here was a nightmare. The kids cried a lot and it wore on everybody's nerves. She never got a job(she applied but we live in a small town and it's not the easiest) and he could only work at a local restaurant for min. wage since he didn't have any transportation. Well all the stress came to a head one weekend morning and things got out of control real fast. We said the gf and kids need to leave and within a week my husband was driving them back to her family. Our son didn't know whether to stay or go. He applied to different places there and a friend said he could live with him. He was promised a job so he left last weekend. He gets there and discovers the gf has moved on and isn't wanting to let him see the kids. His job prospect isn't as secure as he believed. His housing isn't as secure either. He slept in the park for sure in Sat. Night. Sunday he called crying and wanting to come home. But because he has ignored everything we ever said to him when giving parental advice, ignored the house rules ( no sleeping all day, no food or drinks in room, no chewing tobacco anywhere near the house), fighting with his 15 year old brother, disrespecting and yelling at me for stupid things we said he could not come back. He needs to grow up and figure it out. We've tried to help but he doesn't listen. I'm having a tough time though. My husband and I argue over him all of the time. I'm too soft where he's concerned. And my hubby says he's a "cancer". Son thinks we've abandoned him and we disowning him, which we're not. We just don't him live no with us anymore. But we haven't heard from him since. Did we do the right thing? Not that it matters. He needs to grow up.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,607 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50632
This is very hard, and there are probably no perfect answers.
I think it might have been a mistake to make the girlfriend and kids leave. Those are his children - his primary relationship, even above the relationship he has with his parents. THAT is who he should be living with.
Honestly, it sounds like he's trying. He moved out to live with a friend after being promised a job, although that didn't happen as described.
I understand your husband's viewpoint, but this is how young men die early. Tough Love isn't what they first thought it was.
It sounds like he suffers from depression. The "no sleeping all day" rule is pretty much a red flag sign. Can you pay for a doctor visit and then anti-depressants if they are warranted?
Keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. When my daughter was 18, she had graduated HS, had a job, and was going into the Navy. I allowed her to borrow my car to go to work, except that I found out she was off that day and instead used it to meet boys. She was afraid to come home when I found out and called her. She was told to return the car, or be charged with auto theft. She returned it, but did not come home herself. I gave her a choice- come home right now and go by our rules, or don't come home at all. She chose not to come home. She lost her job, didn't go into the Navy, and I didn't hear from her for 6 weeks. She traveled the country for 2 years, living with whomever, working on and off. She got pregnant- big surprise- not. She then came home- with nothing. 6 years later, she is married, and has 2 little girls. She still struggles financially, but is an excellent Mother. She has changed a lot, and grown up a lot. We did not enable her, and encourage more irresponsible and bad behavior- we let her sink or swim. You can do the same, or you can continue to create an irresponsible and disrespectful son. I didn't say this was easy.
I know it's hard, but it's the only way he is going to learn to take care of himself. As long as he has a place to crash and burn, he won't be serious about getting (and keeping) a job.
This is very hard, and there are probably no perfect answers.
I think it might have been a mistake to make the girlfriend and kids leave. Those are his children - his primary relationship, even above the relationship he has with his parents. THAT is who he should be living with.
Honestly, it sounds like he's trying. He moved out to live with a friend after being promised a job, although that didn't happen as described.
I understand your husband's viewpoint, but this is how young men die early. Tough Love isn't what they first thought it was.
It sounds like he suffers from depression. The "no sleeping all day" rule is pretty much a red flag sign. Can you pay for a doctor visit and then anti-depressants if they are warranted?
Who wouldn't be depressed in his situation, his entire life is in shambles because of his bad decisions? Not the parents responsibility to support him, gf and 2 children. Tough love doesn't cause children to die young.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,607 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50632
Quote:
Originally Posted by bryan85
Keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. When my daughter was 18, she had graduated HS, had a job, and was going into the Navy. I allowed her to borrow my car to go to work, except that I found out she was off that day and instead used it to meet boys. She was afraid to come home when I found out and called her. She was told to return the car, or be charged with auto theft. She returned it, but did not come home herself. I gave her a choice- come home right now and go by our rules, or don't come home at all. She chose not to come home. She lost her job, didn't go into the Navy, and I didn't hear from her for 6 weeks. She traveled the country for 2 years, living with whomever, working on and off. She got pregnant- big surprise- not. She then came home- with nothing. 6 years later, she is married, and has 2 little girls. She still struggles financially, but is an excellent Mother. She has changed a lot, and grown up a lot. We did not enable her, and encourage more irresponsible and bad behavior- we let her sink or swim. You can do the same, or you can continue to create an irresponsible and disrespectful son. I didn't say this was easy.
Honestly, it sounds like she was doing fine when she was 18. She had a job, and was going into the navy. And the she borrowed your car to go meet "boys". I think you mean "men".
If your brief telling of the story is accurate, that one silly decision to skip work one day caused you to pretty much toss her under the bus.
I would call what you did to her "not in her best interests". If an otherwise respectable and responsible 18 year old is too afraid to come home after borrowing the parent's car to go on a fun day off, instead of work, your reaction to her seems extreme. And good for her for getting her feet under her again, well sort of, she has financial problems.
P.S. Everyone grows up "a lot" between the time they are 18 and 24. That's how it works. It isn't helped along by parents kicking them to the curb for borrowing a car to go on a social outing. With "boys".
I think you did the right thing, as hard as it was/is. Wait it out, I think he will figure it out and your relationship with him will improve, but you need to wait it out. I have friends who went through something similar; it took 18 months, but their son figured it out, manned up and is on the right track now.
There is an expression - The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 2 days ago)
35,607 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50632
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt
Do not ever ask this board if you did the right thing. There's always at least one person jumping on their keyboard to tell you "no, you did not".
Show of hands. How many of us in this thread have successfully raised kids who are doing well and are still very very bonded and close as a family?
*raises hand, 3 adult kids, all love each other, all doing well* (not that I don't think fates could turn and some of the spinning plates could wobble. That's life).
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