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There are plenty of things other parents do that bother me. I volunteer at in my son's class once a week. There are kids in his class that come to school dirty, wearing clothes 2 sizes too small, and their hair has huge tangles. Those are things really bother me because its an easy fix but the parents chose not to do it.
This post hit one of my biggest pet peeves. I was always taught - you may be poor but you can be clean.
This is an example of what is prevelant in the community I live in -another reason for an answer I gave in another post. Yes, there is much poverty in this small town, but not a short supply of soap. WHY allow your child to be dirty and obviously not taken care of?
Laziness.
I think this is one place we all CAN and SHOULD be judgemental. This is called neglect. Plain and simple. If you do not have the money to put your child in sports, buy the fanciest baby gear (love the purse idea, btw), or keep them surrounded with all the latest toys - no big deal. But for goodness sake, keep those babies clean!
I know sometimes it is hard to tell when you see a child like that (away from school or the store), are they kids who need help or just kids that have had a great day? My boys would come in looking like piggies after a great day romping on the farm - but cleaned up nicely, had a good supper, and at least had their faces washed if I had to make a quick trip to the store.
My step-brother is an 'awesome' example of this issue - or I should say - his wife is. She will take their last dime and go play BINGO, yet the kids are always dirty, their clothes are way too small or never match (I am talking one of one shoe and one of the other) and I have seen her put blanket jammies on the 4 year old - that is the outfit for the day.
My step-brother works two, sometimes three jobs just to keep them in the dumpy trailer park - no kidding, the whole thing should be condemed - and I have to give him credit for trying to be a good dad - but I cannot understand why he stays with this woman knowing how things are. Other than the fact it is almost impossible for a man to get custody around here, and he doesn't want to lose his kids and have them so far away from his care...anyway....
In the beginning, we all tried buying clothes for the kids and putting together 'care' packages - fun things but including personal hygiene products - and soon found out she was returning everything to the store and taking the money for BINGO and beer.
The next step was to cut the tags out of all the clothes so they could not be returned - she found a consignment shop! I have anonymously called social services, but to my dismay, nothing was ever done ( We've talked about that before here, too re: kids who really need help vs. those whose parents are trying to parent). My family and I finally had to step back and let it be. You cannot help people who do not want to be helped.
On a lighter note, I did see my youngest niece a few weeks ago - she is now in 1st grade, loves her teacher, and is finally getting 3 meals a day. The community has a backpack program for those who cannot afford supplies, so the kids are taken care of there, too.
So, back to the original thought - regardless of the money you have, the least a person can do is keep their child clean. To me, it's a reflection of how neglected they are in other ways - lack of affection, attention emotionally, etc. I just want to scoop these kids up and bring them all home - but I have found I cannot save the world. Just one kid at a time if given the chance.
That's what the titers are for. But don't worry, my child won't get yours sick. you get on your soap box about all the benefits of breast feeding, but then are against immunizations.
What do you think ended the polio epidemic in the 50's? or Smallpox? What happens if one kid at school goes overseas and comes back with smallpox? considering the 30% fatality rate of the disease (up to 98% in children), how many kids could die. Most of the diseases are parents had to fear are mostly gone now due to vaccines. Have their been some side effects? sure, just as with any other medication. But to me the benefits outway the risks.
I will research the vaccines further, but my kids have gotten all their vaccines so the point is really mute. Just like the flu vaccine. gotten it every year since I was 12 and haven't had full blown flu since. considering I work at a hospital getting coughed and sneezed on, I consider that pretty good.
In the US, we don't vaccinate for smallpox anymore... so if one kid at school goes overseas and comes back with smallpox, I guess a lot of people would die.
This is a great thread!! I have 6 kids and just when I feel /I have "seen and heard" it all, someone surprises me!!
Folks live vicariously through their kids and it is quite sick...
My friend actually reduced her 12 year old sons food intake so he would pass "weigh in" for a football team even though his age dictated he be put in a different league...ridiculous!
A mother was just EJECTED from a soccer game because she was so verbally abusive and it turms out she is a teacher at the public middle school up the street...
What a great thread. I try very hard not to get judgemental. If I have come across that way, I apoligize.
I have been told I'm an unfit mother because I spank my kids. I asked about clothing ideas for my daughter who is a little on the heavy side and was told it's my fault she is that way. I also had my child on medication for ADD for a couple of years. I have used antibiotics for horrible ear infections in my children. I am just awful, aren't I?!
When I had my first child, the MOMMY GUILT began and has never stopped. I second guess my decisions, always feel I should be doing more, feel guilty when I punish my kids, ect, ect......
If other Mothers have Mommy guilt like I do, and I'm sure most do, we shouldn't JUDGE, we should SUPPORT and ENCOURAGE eachother. We don't have to agree with what others do, but we shouldn't attack either.
When I had my first child, the MOMMY GUILT began and has never stopped. I second guess my decisions, always feel I should be doing more, feel guilty when I punish my kids, ect, ect......
If other Mothers have Mommy guilt like I do, and I'm sure most do, we shouldn't JUDGE, we should SUPPORT and ENCOURAGE eachother. We don't have to agree with what others do, but we shouldn't attack either.
I haven't read most of the posts on this thread, but saw this & was just thinking about this lately.
It's so easy to judge. I think for some, it makes them feel good based on frustrations they have in their own lives & have no positive outlet.
There is a difference b/w opinion and judging. And we all know that. Whether or not we care to have the respect to apply the difference, well, that's to each their own.
I can sit here & judge the children down the street or my inlaws or how my parents raised me...great...what is it solving or how is it bettering my life? It's not.
I surely have an opinion though.
But I also realize that the other families...they are not part of mine. And that sometimes being the bigger person means accepting them for who they are & how they live. If there are ethical, moral, or social concerns to such an extent...well, I keep my distance.
The world is in a freefall right now. None of us are any better than any other person but many of us live lives that are far more plentiful than millions of others. Before we are so quick to throw the first stone of self-righteouness of what a perfect parent we are, we need to stop a minute & be thankful we are of good mind & body to have children & to have the ability to raise them in a healthy manner.
Once a person stops judging, they can truly start to see the good in humanity & how a smile or nice gesture can help those who are putting on facades that are minutes from shattering.
As for "mommy guilt"...most of us put that on ourselves b/c we have such a high level of expectation. There are good days and bad days. Having too much mommy guilt slowly starts to eat away at your confidence & your children pick that up. You are the mom & some times you do make mistakes. That's ok & our children want to see us make mistakes, but more importantly, how we handle the mistake & rebound from it.
Don't try arguing with the anti-vaccine people. It's off-topic, anyway.
As to helicopter parenting vs not vs crazy brithdays vs whatever...look, your kids' reality will be based on whatever you make it. Doing anything to compete with a neighbor or friend's parents or whatever will lead to insane and nonstop tail-chasing.
Do what you think is right for them and for your family. A child with good values and good work ethic will make it no matter if they go to after-school underwater basket weaving or do calculus in preschool or have store-bought bday cake.
In the US, we don't vaccinate for smallpox anymore... so if one kid at school goes overseas and comes back with smallpox, I guess a lot of people would die.
my point exactly. WHO even went so far as to say it was eradicated. Now they know that is not the case. I had to be vaccinated to go to Iraq, apparently it is not gone from the world yet. What happens when more and more people stop getting vaccines?
I felt the need to start a new thread addressing the issue of competitive parenting. Here's your chance to sound off about competitive parenting. I'll go first.
Helicopter parents irk me. You know who they are. The ones who can't let their kids play on the playground without hovering over them. The ones who look at me sitting on the bench like I'm abusing my kids because I actually let the go down the slide by themselves! For shame! The ones who sit on the sidelines during cheerleading and do all the cheers for their kids.
And no, I didn't hand make my kid's Valentines this year or any year for that matter. I bought mine at the store. And you know what? My kids were more than happy. We sat there and addressed the Valentines and talked about all kinds of things. So, don't judge me because I don't make crafts. Honestly if you saw anything crafty I made you'd think even less of me.
And no, I don't scream out commands to my kids at soccer games. Heck, we're lucky we make it on time and with most of the equipment. My kids don't know the difference between their Wal-Mart cleats and some other kids $50 cleats they'll wear one year. Just between you and me I even buy my kids clothes at Wal-Mart. Sometimes I even buy stuff at the local consignment shop.
And yes I breastfeed, but only because I'm lazy. Its so much easier to feed at night when I don't have to mix a bottle. Just pop the baby on and go back to sleep. And I did hand grind their food for a while, but only because I'm cheap.
What makes me a good mom (and you for that matter) is that I love my kids unconditionally. They are happy. I know this because they giggle nonstop, often to the point of making my ears bleed. They're healthy despite the McDonald's fries I allow them to have. Don't judge me or any other mom for that matter. We're just trying to survive the next 18 years!
lol very well said and thank you, thank you, thank you! I wished you lived near me! I am very much a go with the flow kind of mom and arts and crafts are definitely not my thing either! My kids soccer cleats are from Target lol and the only thing I yell on the side line is "Way to go team!"
Hey.....I am a helicopter mom to my daughter, but not my 5 year old son. He would never allow it, lol. My daughter has autism, which isn't a visible disability until she talks or does her other odd mannerism things. So I am the parent helping her go down the slide, I have to help her walk over and introduce herself to other kids, etc. I have to actually show her how some play equipment are meant to be used.
I am the parent that gets the nasty looks and comments from other moms at the park for being a helicopter mom. I am the parent who gets the dirty looks and comments at the store because at times I have to pick up an 8 year old and carry her out of the store. The list goes on. I have to help her like most parents help a toddler or pre-school age kid. Those types of things startle people who can't see why a normal looking 8 year old would need help with such little things. Once I explain my kid has autism and if I don't do these things she will have a meltdown, they almost always say they are sorry and give the look of pity. But its not fun to announce, 'Hey my kid has autism, stop looking at me like that.' or 'If you have something to say, say it to my face, not under your breath because I can still hear it.'
If moms spent more time parenting their own kids vs telling others what bad parents they are, we would all be better off. I think the ones that are constantly going off about others feel insecure about themselves. They have to punish the rest of us with their negative comments in order to feel better about themselves. But that is just my theory.
I also got the breast feeding guilt trip, the non-sling wearing guilt trip, the you don't make your own baby food guilt trip, the list goes on. My child could not breast feed. Later when she was diagnosed with autism, I found it that is very common. We really struggled with sleeping schedules, going to social events, etc. So all the crap people said to me, that made me feel insecure as a first time mom, still makes me mad. I need to get over it, but come on, people need to worry about themselves and not what is happening in my household.
I agree with what others already posted...any time I see a mom struggling with a screaming child, I have a lot of sympathy. Whatever the reason, no one wishes to have to deal with that. What good does it do to judge?
And as long as the child is being fee, I couldn't care less if its from the breast or from the bottle. Goodness, there are so many other things deserving of one's attention.
This is one of the best parenting threads I've read in a while. Thanks for starting it! Down with mommy wars!
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. Don't judge me or any other mom for that matter. We're just trying to survive the next 18 years!
