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I think a little counseling would help you work through some things that are bothering you. Life will be much more fun for you, if you can enjoy your children at every age. You don't want to be one of those helicopter parents at their kid's college for heaven's sake. Go see someone for a few sessions and feel better about yourself
For you, time to learn a new skill or take community college classes or online something or get your Master's. You don't want how you value yourself to be solely based on being Mom. You need something fulfilling in addition to fulfillment of motherhood. Only you can determine what that is.
It will help a lot, if you can take pride in each new stage as they grow into as the become well rounded independent adults. Your kids will always need you, but they will "need" you in different ways.
Last edited by historyfan; 05-14-2016 at 11:15 AM..
Reason: Edit
Being a bit nostalgic for certain times is one thing, truly grieving is quite another. If your identity and self worth completely revolve around your "mommy-ness" then you need to find ways to move on from that. It's not good for anyone, including your children.
So sad to read about what you're going through. I'm sorry. You've had lots of helpful advice, but here's mine about friendship. I find that it's really helpful to have a handful of good friends, with whom you can share your honest feelings. They can be near or far, it doesn't really matter. If you're having trouble connecting with other women locally, despite the fact that you appear to have so much daily interaction with them, you could identify 1 or 2 people you'd like to get to know better, and ask them out to coffee or lunch. It's a lot easier to make meaningful friendships when you take them (and yourself) out of your daily routine. Maybe you will bond with one of them. It will make this transition easier for you, and you will also see that we're all going through very similar things!
I am way further down the line from you....age 42, SAHM for 19 years. Kids are 19, 16, 15 and 11.
My best advice for you is--make a life for yourself. When you're a SAHM it's so easy to get wrapped up in your family. You neglect yourself in favor of everyone else. Then your kids become teenagers, and suddenly they don't like you anymore. They don't respect you. You feel like an unappreciate maid and chauffer service. Then they move out. And you feel crushed. And wish you had taken more time for yourself to develop your own interests and friendships.
If I had it to do all over again, I would have worked part-time. I am now at a stage in my life where my kids are growing up and moving on, and it IS incredibly painful. But those who have an active life and support system have somewhere else to pour their energies. Those who have not done that for themselves will struggle more. It IS sad.
I loved having little kids, and I'm very much looking forward to being a grandma.
I've also been on every antidepressant in the book, and many combinations of them, but again it seems somewhat futile. I gained 70 pounds on the previous med I was on (Abilify) and that certainly didn't help.
My husband isn't that bad. I honestly love him and he's a good guy. It's just that he and my mom have this idea of the "perfect" family and life. And he is kind of a Scrooge with money.
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A couple of issues here.
You've suffered two miscarriages. That is cause for massive depression. Amp up your therapists sessions and know it is okay to be depressed.
Your husband might be a scrooge but it allows you a tremendous luxury that most moms will never have: the ability to be a SAHM.
There are moms that feel the exact same way that don't get to spend the time with their kids that you do. Try and appreciate all your husband does for you.
Repair your relationship with your husband. If you don't, in ten years your girls will be off at college with their own lives never moving home again and you will not have a relationship with your husband. Your marriage will not survive this.
Get to a gym, start working out and doing something for you.
You cannot continue to give 100% to your kids and nothing for yourself or your husband.
You've suffered two miscarriages. That is cause for massive depression. Amp up your therapists sessions and know it is okay to be depressed.
Your husband might be a scrooge but it allows you a tremendous luxury that most moms will never have: the ability to be a SAHM.
There are moms that feel the exact same way that don't get to spend the time with their kids that you do. Try and appreciate all your husband does for you.
Repair your relationship with your husband. If you don't, in ten years your girls will be off at college with their own lives never moving home again and you will not have a relationship with your husband. Your marriage will not survive this.
Get to a gym, start working out and doing something for you.
You cannot continue to give 100% to your kids and nothing for yourself or your husband.
No wonder you're confused - this is quite complicated.
Here's what occurs to me:
-You shouldn't be taking antidepressants. Antidepressants are ideally for when you have a chemical imbalance in your system that renders you unable to function properly; you're not supposed to pop them every time you're unhappy.
-Yes, the standard today is that we expect most women to work. And most women prefer the stimulation of other adults. Yours are still young, but in another ten years they'll be gone entirely. Have you thought about what you'd want to do? You could talk to friends and ask advice, maybe start with some volunteer work to explore what kind of things you'd like to do. At the very least, we can know from your post that you're articulate and have some computer skills. Perhaps you'd like to do something that involves children.
-What on earth does your mother have to do with whether you adopt children? It's not her decision.
-It sounds like you're not able to talk this out fully with your husband - and I'd suggest this might be a good topic to hash out with the help of a counselor.
My two kids are 22 months apart and I was finished after the second one. Then, like you, I had an unplanned pregnancy at 36 with a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I felt horrible and it hit me that I would never have any more babies of my own to hold, to nurse, to care for. But it passed and once they started school I went back to work part time.
As your children get a little older you might feel a sense of freedom that you aren't so tied down anymore.
You sound like you might be depressed and after having two miscarriages that is quite normal for many women. Maybe see a counselor?
Save the counseling and get a job. I think this is an identity crisis not a mental/emotion thing that needs fixing. I get it, I lived it. Now I have an identity BESIDES being mommy, and it does make a difference. Even though you say that being a mom is all you want to be you must know you CAN'T have babies forever and no matter how many you birth or adopt they will all grow up and leave you in the same position you are in now so you may as well act on it today instead of putting it off until tomorrow.
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