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This girl is struggling because of damage done to her *by* your husband and her mother. You can't parent her the way you can a typical 15 year old. In fact *you* can't parent her at all. Your job, as a late in the game step mom is to be a role model and a safe place for her to come.
And find a way to have some grace and empathy for this girl. She has been hurt, deeply, by her parents and she is an injured, hurting child. She needs your love, not your judgement.
I feel for your whole family, even stepdaughter's mom. All of you are struggling to find a place in a family that is made up of pieces of a puzzle that don't quite fit together. Your stepdaugher has been experiencing no family of her own ever. Her behavior may be more of symptoms of her life then the cause.
What might help is for you and your husband see a counselor to figure out the way to communicate and parent (though as another poster mentioned it is your husband's responsibility),this daughter. Then bring then daughter in... and maybe with the father only? Might give daughter more stability with her parent.
Take the ideas that work for you, let the rest go. Just "thinking outloud", hoping you find support that help or leads to new ideas.
I have been a stepmom for over 3 yrs. Stepdaughter is 15 yr old and a freshman in HS. Her parents divorced when she was only 2, so she doesn't even know what it's like to have an intact family. Her father won full custody of her 7 years ago due to her mother being an irresponsible parent and alcoholic. Father wanted her to have as much of a normal relationship with her mother as possible and while the court said no overnight visits, he allowed them 3 years ago for about a 6-month period of time. Ex-wife also has another daughter, 21, who my husband adopted when she was 8. Six weeks later, she slapped him with the divorce...hmmmm....do you think she knew what she was doing? Damn straight! She was looking for security for her daughter. My husband also won full custody of her until she was 18.
As soon as the older daughter turned 18, she thought she was going to tell us what the rules were and said she was going to spend the wknd at her boyfriend's. We told her no, either abide by our rules or get out. She chose to get out. We then found out that for about 6 months, whenever she would go spend a wknd with her mother, she was usually spending it over her boyfriend's instead and she swore her little sister to secrecy telling her she'd never speak to her again if she told daddy. Well, daddy found out and renigged on the overnights with mommy since she obviously let the kids do whatever they wanted.
Fast-forward to now...15 yr old is hanging with the wrong crowd, doing drugs, drinking, having sex, sneaking out, stealing, running away and lying. She is in counseling, goes to Alateen and is starting up with the youth assistance program in our area.
It seems about every 6 months, when she starts missing her mommy, she'll start seeing her again and that's when everything goes to hell. Since the overnights were taken away, mom hasn't been in the picture much because it's too much of on inconvenience to stop drinking for 24 hrs and to come pick up her daughter.
I get it. Every 15 yr old needs her mother. But this kind of mother is NOT what she needs. Her mother is trying to be her friend rather than a parent. She's so busy wallowing in her own destroyed life and drinking, that she doesn't know how to even try to be a mother. 15 yr old is starting to turn into her mother. She is pissed off at the world and doesn't take accountability for anything; blames everything that is wrong on other people. It's NEVER her fault. She has already been suspended from school for 6 days for having a glass pipe on her. We now have her in detention after school every day, just so we know where she is until her father picks her up.
This kid is using the "I'm so miserable, I want to kill myself" card to manipulate her father into giving her what she wants. Well, he's not exactly giving her what she wants, but she is getting a whole lot of attention. She wants to go live with mommy and start fresh at a different school because it's too hard to make new friends at this point and she doesn't want to be by herself. Dad has lifted the court order so she can spend every other weekend with her mother, but she only seems to get into trouble there as well (obviously since there aren't any rules there).
We have had multiple talks with her and she says that she wants to change and wants help. We told her that she needs to give 100% in order to make anything work. She needs to start making new friends, find a hobby, stop doing drugs, start making better decisions and we will help her in whatever way we can.
She is your typical millenial child. She doesn't think she has to work for anything. Thinks the world is unfair and that she should just be given everything. She wants to have money to go to the movies, etc with her friends but doesn't want to get a job (or is picky about where to work), she wants us to trust her again, yet she hasn't done anything to gain back that trust. She doesn't do her chores because she doesn't think she should have to do anything. She thinks the phone she has is hers and sneaks it back into her room at night when it's supposed to stay out on the counter.
We have given her 2 at home drug tests within 2 wks. First one came up positive for pot, last night it came up positive for BZO - Benzodiazepines and was probably on Xanax because she was slurring her words and very tired.
I just don't know what to do about this kid; we have tried just about everything short of sending her to boot camp. She just doesn't get it. It's not all about HER. She needs to earn things in this world. She can't just change schools and start over. She needs to learn how to deal with the consequences of her actions and own up to her mistakes and start taking action in order to build a productive life because no one is going to give it to her.
I know this is quite a story, and this is the short version.. LOL! Hopefully someone out there can relate their own experience and offer some advice to this stepparent who is about ready to pull her hair out.
Thank you!
I was very much like your step-daughter when I was her age. I had similar family issues and I acted out in very similar ways. I am now 40 and have teens of my own. Here are my thoughts...
1) A little empathy goes a long way. This kid is hurting. The drug use and sex are her way of self-medicating and searching for a place where she belongs. It is human nature to want to belong to a community and she desperately needs that. The loss of connection with a parent is something she is trying to make up for by connecting with boys sexually. She is looking for someone to love her and giving away sex in exchange for it. I'm not saying she'll stop doing it if you manage it correctly...she is physiologically designed to pro-create. Your biggest concern should be her self-respect and ability to have healthy relationships. Focus on that more than the sex. Help her understand that responsible sex involves more than just birth control and STD protection, it involves a healthy mature relationship. teaching her to have that takes a lot of time, a lot of conversation and a lot of love. Try this book, if she is willing to read.
2) The idea that responsibility is earned by first being responsible is a fallacy. Kids (and adults) need opportunities to take on new responsibilities and to FAIL at them and to learn how to do them better. Don't expect her to be perfect before you give her any trust. Give her your trust, let her know you trust her and expect her to do well and she will live up to it...some of the time, but not all the time. When she fails, don't berate her and beat her down. Ask for her input about why she did what she did, how that decision affected her life (for better or worse) and what might be a better choice in the future. And then stop talking and LISTEN to her.
3) A change of locations, including a change of schools is a VERY good idea. When she tells you she needs something to be successful, don't doubt her. Trying to make a whole new pool of friends in a school where you already have connections is incredibly difficult! Asking her to do that could be setting her up to fail. Try and imagine yourself doing the same thing in your circle of friends. Actually that is another piece of great advice...if you couldn't imagine yourself succeeding at something you are asking your child to do, you are probably asking to much. We forget what it feels like to be a teen. Our expectations and goals for our kids are often way higher than they are for ourselves.
4) I went to a boot-camp of sorts... a home for emotionally disturbed girls from age 14-15. I was there for 18 months. If you decide to go that route, I am glad to share my experiences with you. And actually, the program I was in strongly encouraged my parents not to put me back in the same school. Everyone needs a fresh start sometimes.
I would be glad to speak with you via DM if you would like to talk more privately. I really wish you the best. These are hard issues for both the parent and the teen.
It is hard to say may be child has sort mental disorder or she was hurt and ruined. I am sure that she was swinging here and there during the custody battle.Nasty divorces ruined children OP. I know some one like . It is truly hard to get back this kind of kids in to the real track OP, I am afraid that you have nothing much to do other than show her love and care and make her feel loved and trust her father and you. I think father and mother both equally responsible for the damage they have done for their daughter. May be below link might help with some tips. And may be you can encourage her father stop seeing her mother if she is an addict as you described.
She was NOT ruined. Many people who face difficult challenges in their lives, those challenges become their life work. We grow, heal and help others heal who had similar experiences to us. Give her the tools she needs to overcome this and she will fly!
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