Mother of Child bringing Boyfriend around (BF, babysit, custody, baby)
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Hello everyone! So my daughter is 4 years old and lives with her mom. They live in a house with her parents and sister. I live an hour away and see my daughter every weekend.
So my ex started dating a man she met on the internet back in Feb. Because he lived far away she would allow him to stay over. She also brought him on trips to the park, her birthday. Basically often. They broke up around may or june. I expressed at the time im not comfortable with him being around my daughter given she doesnt know him that well and she doesnt need to meet him yet. She would become upset and basically flip it back on me.
Now she had a new boyfriend she met online in july. She was going on dates with a couple guys then finally chose this guy. Within less then a month my daughter is saying they went in the pool, she made a crowm for him for his birthday, and made food and had dinner at his house.
When I was dating someone (coworker I knew from april til december when we started dating) she told me I couldnt bring her around my gf. "Maybe in a year when you get engaged or move in together or something." She states its because its daddy daughter time since we only have two days a week together.
I'm annoyed because there appears to be different rules. I have told her many times I have nothing against the guy but its far too early to have him around. She complains she does everything for her so she can make that decision for herself. Every convo on the topic leads to a big fight.
Should I reach out to him and express my concerns? Im sure she vents about me so his view of me might not be the best. I told her we need to come to a compromise or else this will be getting worse. I say 4-6 months and if I could meet him before they hang out. I have no problem following the same rules. But it has to be even.
Neither one of you need to be putting rules on each other as to whom you date or otherwise . however I do think that different men and women in this childs life can be very confusing . I think both of you need to separate your dating life from your parenting life and balance that . If you cant do that then neither one of you should be dating anyone at all then . I think there must be a lot of bickering and fighting going on as well , not good for the child either . I hope you both can find a balance for the childs sake .
I dont care who she dates as long as he is respectful of my daughter. Two boyfriends this year alone. Shes not dumb. Shes going to figure it out. I want to have a cordial relationship with anyone she dates because we need to operate like a family for her.
I think reaching out to the bf or new guy would be a mistake because he may not like you right off the bat from what he has been told about you from your ex .
You can't tell her what she can do, or who she can bring around your daughter....however it would be nice if she was more considerate of her daughter to not bring strange men in and out of her life until a relationship is well established.
However, It's also easier for an NCP to separate a new relationship from visits with their child if they see them the typical 2 weekends per month vs a CP who has to try to squeeze in a personal life around all the other duties they are performing.
I get it. I'm only there on weekends so all week I dont have to deal with organizing care. Its not my choice. If she didnt move away 1 hour by train I would be there for her every day to see her. Right now its two days a week. I dont want to dictate to her what to do because like I told her, it doesnt matter what I say, she will do what she wants.
I just dont know if there is anything I can say or do to make her realize this is a poor decision.
I get it. I'm only there on weekends so all week I dont have to deal with organizing care. Its not my choice. If she didnt move away 1 hour by train I would be there for her every day to see her. Right now its two days a week. I dont want to dictate to her what to do because like I told her, it doesnt matter what I say, she will do what she wants.
I just dont know if there is anything I can say or do to make her realize this is a poor decision.
How do you co-parent in general? Perhaps if you talked it out with her that you would agree to the same guidelines as her she might agree? The hour away is an issue but could you offer to babysit occasionally at night time if she has a special event she wants to go to?
I get it. I'm only there on weekends so all week I dont have to deal with organizing care. Its not my choice. If she didnt move away 1 hour by train I would be there for her every day to see her. Right now its two days a week. I dont want to dictate to her what to do because like I told her, it doesnt matter what I say, she will do what she wants.
I just dont know if there is anything I can say or do to make her realize this is a poor decision.
Look for a job near where your daughter lives. Once you find one, move to that area. Maximize the time you get to spend with her and find ways of spending even more time with her when opportunities arise. Keep a journal and log your time with her. Eventually you can set new precedents and petition to courts to modify your custody agreement and perhaps even get true joint custody. This way no matter who your ex brings around your daughter you can ensure that he does not get too much influence over her life. You cannot control what your ex does and you wouldn't want her having that sort of control over you, but you can minimize the effect her poor decisions have on your daughter's life by making good decisions yourself and fighting to maximize your role in her life. It won't be easy but your daughter's worth it.
You're supposed to be using your daughter as a pawn in your war against your ex wife. That's how our modern society works. If you aren't using her as a pawn, you're giving your ex-wife an edge in the game. Before you know it, she will have you cornered, then there will be no way to avoid checkmate. If you want to fight back, before it's too late, you need a good queen and some good castles.
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