Not inviting the whole class (teaching, parent, boys, son)
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How do you think your daughter would feel if everyone in the class but HER was invited? You have to show her that it's wrong to exclude people. Invite them all or invite none.
This. Either invite a few or invite them all. Leaving out only a handful is very hurtful to kids so young.
As a teacher, I have seen situations like this happen and the children that were frequently left out were children with special needs or perhaps were just extremely shy or immature. There is a big difference between not inviting Johnny because he is mean to you and not inviting Johnny because he has mild autism and is fixated on dinosaurs.
IMHO, it is OK to just invite the girls or to invite one or two boys or to invite the whole class but not what you are suggesting.
This. Gosh I almost started crying reading this. My son was that autistic child left out in K. Do you have any clue how heartbreaking it is to explain to a 5 year old why he was left out? When every other or the vast majority of the kids talk about it? My son is in a much more accepting school now but that first year was an eye opener on how cruel parents could be.
I would use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter kindness. It is much more important to teach your own child to be kind then it is to teach someone else's child that life isn't fair or that people can be casually cruel without any thought.
If it was a party of just close friends it would be fine. Otherwise it would be needlessly cruel.
You can do what you want. Evites don't break the rules but kids talk and the boys are going to find out they are not invited. If you can live with making 4 little boys feel rejected and left out then by all means. Don't invite them.
Inviting 4 of 16 - and my kid is left out - that wouldn't bother me, nor my daughter and if it did, then we explain that "You don't get invited to everything".
Inviting 12 of 16 - and my kid is one of the 4 - that bothers me. My kid (and me) are now wondering what is wrong with them. And now, at 6 years old, we are starting a cycle of not inviting that kid to any of our stuff. That's not good and I can think of dozens of uncomfortable situations that decision will create for the parents of both the non-invited and the one that left them off the list.
If your daughter has an issue with YOU deciding who comes to her party - you gotta address that with HER! I just don't think it's the right age to teach "exclusion". Too early IMHO!
And especially at that age, the idea of "friends" changes from day to day. When my daughter was in Kindergarten, she would be best friends with a kid one day, then barely remember their name 2 days later. One little girl she just did not like for a while. A month later, they are best friends. Picture sending out those evites and then 2 weeks later your daughter decides she's friends with them and wants them there. That parent will surely know they were initially excluded - and won't be happy about it.
So, I'd invite either their very closest friends (less than half dozen) or EVERYONE. Excluding a few doesn't sit well with me at for that age.
When they get older, things get different, there will be bullies develop and they should be excluded until they learn to be nice. And some kids just won't get along, but by then, the group of friends will be more defined and you/they won't be thinking of inviting everyone. Heck, you'll have people that never showed anyway.
The issue I foresee is we'll soon have to start deciding between "soccer friends", "school friends", "neighborhood friends", and the "friends I have b/c mommy and daddy set up play dates because mommy knows them."
Anyway, just an opinion, but by excluding 4, your are making your own parenting life harder, not easier.
How do you think your daughter would feel if everyone in the class but HER was invited? You have to show her that it's wrong to exclude people.
As a teacher, I have seen situations where parents invited every girl except one or the whole class except for two children. It can be pretty sad.
I remember one situation where the parent did not invite one child out of the whole class because (as the parent told me after the party) "Mary is poor and probably would have been embarrassed that she could not give my daughter a nice present so we did not invite her". Yeah, right (sarcasm).
As a teacher, I have seen situations where parents invited every girl except one or the whole class except for two children. It can be pretty sad.
I remember one situation where the parent did not invite one child out of the whole class because (as the parent told me after the party) "they were poor and probably would have been embarrassed that they could not give my daughter a nice present".
Even though the evite doesn't technically break the rule, it does go against the spirit of the rule.
If you invite most of the kids, but not a few, you not only risk hurting those kids and offending their parents, but you might offend the teacher and/or other school employees as well.
As a mom who adopted kids with emotional and behavioral challenges, I will chime in and say that I agree with the "25% rule." If you invite 75% or more, invite all -- but whatever you do, do NOT exclude just one or two (and, yes, that does happen, or at least it did when my kids were young about a dozen years ago).
With my kids, it was so heartbreaking. Every year until they were about nine or so, I would invite the whole class for their birthday parties every year, and MAYBE three or four kids would show up (usually it was just one or two); and in their whole elementary school "career", they each got invited to just ONE party in return. (And this was in a fairly affluent middle-class suburb where almost every kid had a party.)
It was just so awful for me to realize that parents and children can be so cruel.
P.S. To clarify, my kids did not have absolutely horrible behavior to the point that they could not function in "regular" classes. My son's main problem was that he was hyperactive, and my daughter had major control issues in that she felt she had to be the boss of everyone and had no respect for adult authority. However, neither of these conditions were such that they could not behave themselves for a couple of hours at a birthday party (and in their entire school career, they "only" got in one physical fight each.)
I'll also add this note to the OP. You are at risk of getting a bad reputation among the other parents with this decision. Maybe that won't happen if you know all the parents already and already have your social dynamic down and that'll be the plan for the next 12 years.
But, let's say my boy is one that got invited. His best friend did NOT. I find that out when I ask his parents about car pooling to the party or "you drop off, I'll pick up". Now, my son's best friends parents are mad and my son is mad that his best friend won't be there. So, guess what, he's not going, and your daughter may have just lost a friend (or potential friend) at the age of six.
If this happens with a few other parents, you won't need to worry about inviting very many people in the future because you've become the bitchy parent that excludes kids already. Hey, maybe there is universal agreement on those four boys and you'll get away with it, but I tend to doubt it.
And again, don't create unneeded drama and problems for yourself as a parent - it's not the time. Invite them all or just a few!
As a mom who adopted kids with emotional and behavioral challenges, I will chime in and say that I agree with the "25% rule." If you invite 75% or more, invite all -- but whatever you do, do NOT exclude just one or two (and, yes, that does happen, or at least it did when my kids were young about a dozen years ago).
With my kids, it was so heartbreaking. Every year until they were about nine or so, I would invite the whole class for their birthday parties every year, and MAYBE three or four kids would show up (usually it was just one or two); and in their whole elementary school "career", they each got invited to just ONE party in return. (And this was in a fairly affluent middle-class suburb where almost every kid had a party.)
It was just so awful for me to realize that parents and children can be so cruel.
P.S. To clarify, my kids did not have absolutely horrible behavior to the point that they could not function in "regular" classes. My son's main problem was that he was hyperactive, and my daughter had major control issues in that she felt she had to be the boss of everyone and had no respect for adult authority. However, neither of these conditions were such that they could not behave themselves for a couple of hours at a birthday party (and in their entire school career, they "only" got in one physical fight each.)
I am very sorry that you and your children had to face this, and I can well understand how heartbreaking it must have been. May I offer the suggestion, though, that "cruelty" might not be the only explanation why so few classmates would attend your kids' parties. I can just as easily envision something like this:
Mom: "Hey, Jane, you got an invitation to Mary's birthday party."
Jane: "Aw, Mom, do I have to go? Mary is so bossy! She's always telling me what I have to do! It's so annoying! And she doesn't even listen to Mrs. Jones when she tells her to settle down and pay attention. Please, Mom, don't make me go!"
Mom (thinking to herself that, by agreeing to her daughter's request, she can get out of yet another activity that would be added to her already overburdened social calendar): "Well, OK dear. But be sure to wish her a happy birthday when you see her in school."
I know it's hard, but expecting elementary-aged kids to be sensitive to the underlying emotional considerations, when all they see is the surface behavior, is a tall order. And the parents, instead of actively aiding and abetting cruelty in their children, may just be taking the path of least resistance.
None of what I'm saying is intended to minimize your hurt or your children's hurt. I'm simply trying to offer an alternative explanation for what they experienced.
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