Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We have a new trend in our household. My oldest (17) wants to bring friends home for dinner.
The problem is the younger (14). she is a true introvert and doesn't often want to eat with these guests of her sister.
So do I tell younger that the family expectation is that we all eat together? And establish what consequence if she refuses to join us?
or do I tell older she can't have friends over except on nights when her sister is at Dad's?
Or do I eat with older and friend and let younger sulk in her room/eat later.
Each option sends a different message. BTW, younger doesn't have as many friends and rarely invites anyone over.
We were always welcome to have friends over however, everyone ate at the table at the same time and if there was any "sulking" later that would have been the end of any friends being over.
I believe the younger child needs to learn how to adapt to social situations because her boss is not going to allow her to be excused or sulk when there is a business luncheon whether she is comfortable or not.
We were always welcome to have friends over however, everyone ate at the table at the same time and if there was any "sulking" later that would have been the end of any friends being over.
Are you saying you'd allow one child sulking ruin having friends over in the future for the other child who had guests?
Having friends to dinner is a normal thing most people do. You should be celebrating that your daughter wants to bring her friends to the house, and her friends want to eat dinner with you. This shouldn't be restricted because of her sister's issues. The introvert needs to be exposed to uncomfortable situations so she can learn to cope. As an adult, there will be many functions she will need to attend that involve eating with other people. Her boss could decide to take everyone out to lunch, work Christmas parties, dinner with her boyfriend's family, etc.. She needs practice and help adjusting to these situations. Now is the time because you won't have an opportunity when she's older.
we all have quirks and issues, why exploit them, in the name of "she should learn to not be so shy"
the younger daughter lives in the house, and has precedence over "guests"
if overall, she is a great kid, but is a bit hung up on eating in front of others,,,then respect her views
there may be a 1000 reasons the younger one may not like/enjoy one of these other girls....from one of their brothers being a jerk to her,,to they talk down to her,,
my point is,,, is she's an overall good kid,,,do NOT exploit what the kids uncomfortable.. with..
I like the daughter and her friends go and eat in the bedroom
schools really suck for a lot of kids,,,and who felt comfortable in their own skin as a teenager??? that's right not many - and home should be a safe haven,,,
why punish your youngest daughter??
yeah, im being bullish,,,,ive seen this similar scenario but with boys,,and the situation boiled til
it got real ugly..
I would work out some sort of compromise. maybe the younger daughter will be amenable to having dinner guests a certain number of times a month. Maybe she gets to pick the menu or dessert. Maybe she gets alone time with mom or dad at the ice cream shop after the meal.
Some people don't like to eat in front of others. It's their right. I'm not saying forfeit older daughter's friendship time but forcing someone to do something doesn't make them more comfortable--rather the opposite. I have a friend who has lived alone since the age of 18 and swears she never wants to dwell with another human being as long as she lives. You're forgetting that as adults we make our own lives. Introverts and shy people should be allowed to make adaptations, just as I politely excuse myself when an extrovert begins shouting in my ear.
I take it that she eats lunch at school. If she wants her dinner to herself, let her be. I would let one or the other eat in their room, it doesn't really matter.
we all have quirks and issues, why exploit them, in the name of "she should learn to not be so shy"
If I recall, the OP's daughter's issues are deeper than just being shy. Requiring her to have a meal with guests is not exploiting. Children need exposure and practice to overcome quirks and issues that can hinder them socially and professionally when they are adults. Having meals with strangers is something that can't be avoided in adulthood sometimes.
If I recall, the OP's daughter's issues are deeper than just being shy. Requiring her to have a meal with guests is not exploiting. Children need exposure and practice to overcome quirks and issues that can hinder them socially and professionally when they are adults. Having meals with strangers is something that can't be avoided in adulthood sometimes.
So eating lunch at school in front of a bunch of kids isn't enough "practice"? In your own home you better be able to avoid it!
All the time? I don't think so. There will be times in her adult life where she will need to dine with strangers in her own home at her own dinner table. Her husband might need to entertain his boss and his wife. Her own children might want to have friends over for dinner or a boyfriend/girlfriend at least. Sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable. Her discomfort shouldn't dictate how the rest of the family lives.
In my experience many introverts struggle more in smaller group settings. There's expectation for taking part b in conversation. I think she should be at the table however big sister needs to be told eating over is limited to X number of days. Say 2x a month while younger sister adjusts.
I think it's important she acclimate herself to small group settings. There's really no way of avoiding them as she enters the work force eventually.
Have her eat alone before the friends get there and when they ask, just say, "Oh, she was really hungry so she eat before you guys came." This will allow her to go to her room. Make sure she comes out and says "Hi".
Your younger child is going to have to work on this. People won't always modify things to fit her needs.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
