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It sure sounds as if something significant were going on. But will she listen if you suggest getting help? And maybe that's not even the best solution. Maybe she just needs to stay home with the baby.
just got back from lunch with my wife, she asked me to join her and apologized. she agreed she/we have some issues to work out and she might need to talk to someone else besides me. she comes from a pretty strict asian household whose family don't ever really talk feelings, i come from the opposite spectrum.
to answer some of the questions, the cameras (2 of them) are also our baby monitors and were my wifes idea. i dont spy on her but do check in to see our baby, i dont like being away from her just as much as mommy. i dont second guess my wife and her parenting methods at all since i know she means well and has certainly spent more time in books, forums, and other mommies than me. its more she second guesses anything i do and labels it the "wrong" way because its not her way.
as for her job, shes never not liked it before, just with the baby she rather be at home, i cant blame her but so do i. this would be a non issue if she didnt spend 6 years getting a doctorate and have such a good salary but financially it would be stupid, day care runs about 15k a year. to someone who mentioned i'm forcing her to stay at work or something to that effect, this is her decision, i have supported many scenarios of her working less or not at all but she realizes its silly and leaving our daughter at daycare is just a mental hurdle we both have to accept. millions of people do it.
thank you all for the replies thus far, i will tread lightly with her but i know shes hurting inside and all i want to do i be there for her, just tough when you get beat up the whole time.
Please give her sometime to adjust, she is perhaps overwhelmed right now. If it doesn't sort itself out soon, would she be able to take a break for a couple of years from work? One very important thing is that while it is hard to leave the baby at home and start working, a few months down the lane it will be great for mom to have that change. She might enjoy having both a family life and a career.
Also, I would actively look into cultivating a sufficient support network. Joining mother groups or sharing her experience might make her feel that her emotions are common while transitioning from being a full time care provider to being a working mom.
She's probably exhausted from watching the baby and the last thing she wants to do is go to work. Is she depressed? Maybe. Is there anyway she can quit? Why don't you ask her how she feels? Let gently know that you're worried about her.
As for her job, shes never not liked it before, just with the baby she rather be at home, i cant blame her but so do i. this would be a non issue if she didnt spend 6 years getting a doctorate and have such a good salary but financially it would be stupid, day care runs about 15k a year. to someone who mentioned i'm forcing her to stay at work or something to that effect, this is her decision, i have supported many scenarios of her working less or not at all but she realizes its silly and leaving our daughter at daycare is just a mental hurdle we both have to accept. millions of people do it.
thank you all for the replies thus far, i will tread lightly with her but i know shes hurting inside and all i want to do i be there for her, just tough when you get beat up the whole time.
You haven't supported her the way you're imagining you have. Let me explain, she's looking for you to tell her to stay at home. She wants you to say, bluntly, "I think it's best for you to stay home for a few years. I want you to stay home with our child."
Her time in school? What's that got to do with anything? She had a baby. Her doctorate isn't going anywhere. It will always be there. I suspect she feels guilty for wanting to stay at home and is afraid to tell you for fear you'll judge her. If she isn't used to open communication without criticism then it is harder for her to imagine you are okay with it unless you tel her so. The cost if daycare would be next to zero if she stayed home. She wants to stay home. It's not just her decision, it affects the entire family. Telling her it's her decision isn't fair. It leaves room to blame later on. Stating that you'd "like to stay home too" is a classic passive aggressive admittance that you truly believe that if you work, she should work too.
You haven't supported her the way you're imagining you have. Let me explain, she's looking for you to tell her to stay at home. She wants you to say, bluntly, "I think it's best for you to stay home for a few years. I want you to stay home with our child."
Her time in school? What's that got to do with anything? She had a baby. Her doctorate isn't going anywhere. It will always be there. I suspect she feels guilty for wanting to stay at home and is afraid to tell you for fear you'll judge her. If she isn't used to open communication without criticism then it is harder for her to imagine you are okay with it unless you tel her so. The cost if daycare would be next to zero if she stayed home. She wants to stay home. It's not just her decision, it affects the entire family. Telling her it's her decision isn't fair. It leaves room to blame later on. Stating that you'd "like to stay home too" is a classic passive aggressive admittance that you truly believe that if you work, she should work too.
Thank you for putting it in those words, thats what I meant but it didnt come out right when i posted. I 1000000000% agree with you Jaded. Come on OP- take our advice!
2. You have completely different work schedules. Do you get to spend time together as a couple? That can cause some of the marital issues. Also, when you ignore your wife's ideas completely it can make her feel disrespected.
^^This is prime! I can understand wanting to minimize day care time with an infant, but this schedule is trouble! How about another day a week with grandma, and one day off for everyone? If her job requires her to work both Saturday and Sunday, maybe you could all take Friday off and you work Saturdays (or something). As an RN, I could have worked weekends so the kids wouldn't be in day care, but I decided I'd rather have some time together both with DH and with the whole family. This problem will resolve as the child gets into school, but I realize that's a long way off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madeline2121
My take on what the OP posted was that the wife was feeling overwhelmed after a morning of therapy and doctor appoint with baby. Baby wouldn't stop crying so wife put baby in crib so she could step away from screaming baby for a second and catch her breath. Meanwhile, OP was watching all of this on the cameras while at work and then called his wife, who was already dealing with a screaming baby, to ask her why she wasn't doing things the way they had agreed upon. Wife got angry, so she said something hoping to make dh angry then unplugged everything to get some peace from husband so she could deal with baby. My question is why is OP trying to parent over mom's shoulder via video cam while he is at work?
Agreed. I thought the camera was for when Grandma had the baby on Fridays. This set-up is like back seat driving. Stop it!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Penga25
just got back from lunch with my wife, she asked me to join her and apologized. she agreed she/we have some issues to work out and she might need to talk to someone else besides me. she comes from a pretty strict asian household whose family don't ever really talk feelings, i come from the opposite spectrum.
to answer some of the questions, the cameras (2 of them) are also our baby monitors and were my wifes idea. i dont spy on her but do check in to see our baby, i dont like being away from her just as much as mommy. i dont second guess my wife and her parenting methods at all since i know she means well and has certainly spent more time in books, forums, and other mommies than me. its more she second guesses anything i do and labels it the "wrong" way because its not her way.
as for her job, shes never not liked it before, just with the baby she rather be at home, i cant blame her but so do i. this would be a non issue if she didnt spend 6 years getting a doctorate and have such a good salary but financially it would be stupid, day care runs about 15k a year. to someone who mentioned i'm forcing her to stay at work or something to that effect, this is her decision, i have supported many scenarios of her working less or not at all but she realizes its silly and leaving our daughter at daycare is just a mental hurdle we both have to accept. millions of people do it.
thank you all for the replies thus far, i will tread lightly with her but i know shes hurting inside and all i want to do i be there for her, just tough when you get beat up the whole time.
This is a problem with people with doctorates, with all due respect to Jaded. Also, is she paying off student loans? That's an issue too. But whatever the situation, many families less well off than yours, OP, afford day care. I think getting one day a week when you can ALL be together (and you and DW can maybe leave the baby w/grandma for dinner and/or a movie) would help.
You haven't supported her the way you're imagining you have. Let me explain, she's looking for you to tell her to stay at home. She wants you to say, bluntly, "I think it's best for you to stay home for a few years. I want you to stay home with our child."
Her time in school? What's that got to do with anything? She had a baby. Her doctorate isn't going anywhere. It will always be there. I suspect she feels guilty for wanting to stay at home and is afraid to tell you for fear you'll judge her. If she isn't used to open communication without criticism then it is harder for her to imagine you are okay with it unless you tel her so. The cost if daycare would be next to zero if she stayed home. She wants to stay home. It's not just her decision, it affects the entire family. Telling her it's her decision isn't fair. It leaves room to blame later on. Stating that you'd "like to stay home too" is a classic passive aggressive admittance that you truly believe that if you work, she should work too.
wow. That's assuming a lot! I think I might be pissed if my husband said that. If he says anything at all it should be a suggestion, or a "have you ever considered taking a year off?" kind of thing.
"day care" would cost $100,000 if she stayed home - her lost salary.
OP, this is a very difficult, emotional, hormonal time. There is a lot going on. She might be depressed. She might want to stay home. She might just need some time to adjust. Tread lightly and don't make any rash decisions.
she is a pharmacist at a hospital, her normal schedule is m-f 6:30am- 3pm, she is only doing the weekends from august to october because she wants to keep baby out of daycare as long as she can. shes back to work fulltime but using 2 vacation days a week. she will be back to m-f and then we will use daycare.
my wife has always had angry issues but since going back to work, shes been upset, angry, mad, spiteful but head over heals with our baby.
also, why is it odd that i let my baby fall asleep in my arms. its not my "way" i usually put her down for naps when shes yawn, rubs eyes, etc. if shes inconsolable i dont just let her cry it out in bed with tears running down her face, i hold her and usually in a few minutes shes out and i put her back in her crib.
Well, I can see a problem here ~ not saying one of you is right and one is wrong - but terrible inconsistency with getting baby to sleep.
IF she is trying to get baby to sleep on her own (crying it out) and you are holding her each and every time, baby is never going to learn to sleep on her own and crying it out will just take longer and longer. For this to work - you will have to be on the same page.
I have mixed feelings about crying it out myself (Yes, I did try it) but either do it consistently OR don't do it at all right now.
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I 1000000000% agree with you Jaded. Come on OP- take our advice!
