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I realize I am being presented with the opposite side but what exactly was I supposed to do? For the first 2 years of my son's life my ex did not work. I worked, paid for everything, and then he took my savings. He spent 3 months a year in Russia, which I paid for. He took my savings before that. So basically he took $60,000 in savings plus whatever I earned that was not spent on myself. I started his business for him and then he put aside anything he made from it. In the meantime, he was extremely abusive to the point where I was very depressed and it was not possible to live with him. I literally thought he could kill us or something. So was I supposed to move out of our shared apartment and into a box somewhere? Ok, maybe the court sees it like I just left him and broke his relationship with our son. At the time he did nothing to contest it. Now, I am only doing the best I can for our son. The move is solely so I can provide for him better than I can now. I'm not moving to be near a guy or for any other random reason. Currently my ex has managed to visit once every 4-6 weeks. He will be able to maintain that same visitation if I am in NC. I've been told I should not let him stay with me. Then he can stay at a hotel. That also doesn't change anything from what the situation was before.
I realize I am being presented with the opposite side but what exactly was I supposed to do? For the first 2 years of my son's life my ex did not work. I worked, paid for everything, and then he took my savings. He spent 3 months a year in Russia, which I paid for. He took my savings before that. So basically he took $60,000 in savings plus whatever I earned that was not spent on myself. I started his business for him and then he put aside anything he made from it. In the meantime, he was extremely abusive to the point where I was very depressed and it was not possible to live with him. I literally thought he could kill us or something. So was I supposed to move out of our shared apartment and into a box somewhere? Ok, maybe the court sees it like I just left him and broke his relationship with our son. At the time he did nothing to contest it. Now, I am only doing the best I can for our son. The move is solely so I can provide for him better than I can now. I'm not moving to be near a guy or for any other random reason. Currently my ex has managed to visit once every 4-6 weeks. He will be able to maintain that same visitation if I am in NC. I've been told I should not let him stay with me. Then he can stay at a hotel. That also doesn't change anything from what the situation was before.
Expecting him to pay to come to you, to pay child support, to pay to say in a hotel, and to pay to drive back is too much. You're going to have to stop being selfish and are going to have to take on some of the burden for the best interest of your child to have a relationship with his father. Everything that happened while you two were together does not matter anymore, so let it go...
If he was only able to see his son every 4-6 weeks before and it can be worked out between the both of you were your son can see his father more often, then why do you have an issue with this?
I realize I am being presented with the opposite side but what exactly was I supposed to do? For the first 2 years of my son's life my ex did not work. I worked, paid for everything, and then he took my savings. He spent 3 months a year in Russia, which I paid for. He took my savings before that. So basically he took $60,000 in savings plus whatever I earned that was not spent on myself. I started his business for him and then he put aside anything he made from it. In the meantime, he was extremely abusive to the point where I was very depressed and it was not possible to live with him. I literally thought he could kill us or something. So was I supposed to move out of our shared apartment and into a box somewhere? Ok, maybe the court sees it like I just left him and broke his relationship with our son. At the time he did nothing to contest it. Now, I am only doing the best I can for our son. The move is solely so I can provide for him better than I can now. I'm not moving to be near a guy or for any other random reason. Currently my ex has managed to visit once every 4-6 weeks. He will be able to maintain that same visitation if I am in NC. I've been told I should not let him stay with me. Then he can stay at a hotel. That also doesn't change anything from what the situation was before.
NinaMarie13, my advice to you is to put yourself in his shoes and do for him what you would want done for you...
If he got custody, how would you feel about your proposal?
Would you be okay with only seeing your child 1x a month?
Would you be okay with your ex moving your son further away from you?
Would you think that less time and a further distance from you, one of his parents, was in your son's best interest?
Really answer all of those questions for me please...
1. He does not pay child support
2. I generally let him stay with me (which everyone seemed to find outrageous but I was attempting to be accommodating)
3. Sure, stuff that happened in the past is over. I am not holding a grudge. This is his character. Do you think he cares about his kid? The fact is he does not. When he comes he does not even play with our son but follow me around, scream at me and harass me and/or try to have kiss/hug/ have sex with me.
If he got custody? He does not want custody. I think you are missing the picture. He's the dad, ok, he wanted a son, ok. There's good reason to believe that he only wants to get at me and that's the whole point. Initially he used me to come to the US and wanted a child to secure his green card. He does NOT even want custody. Actually he does not WANT to take our son alone or even see him, but only uses it as an excuse to get at me. Every time he comes I tell him to play with our son, to go out in the yard, and he does not want to. Half the time he leaves our son with my mother and goes by himself to Starbucks o something. I'm not preventing a great or even decent father-son relationship. He is a sociopath. Do you want a sociopath involved in your child's life? Sure, it's not up to me. On the other hand, I need to do my best to protect my son. My ex never did anything that was in our son's best interest. He did not buy him anything, let him have a birthday party, allow him to go to any activities for kids etc. He did not want me to spend any money on our son. The second to last time my ex came, he stood in my driveway and tried on all of these jackets and sweaters he had bought for himself. He was showing off hoping the neighbors would see or something. He had not brought anything for our son. He did not give him a Christmas present, birthday present, etc. I call him to let him talk to our son and he does not want to. He only wants to talk to me.
Expecting him to pay to come to you, to pay child support, to pay to say in a hotel, and to pay to drive back is too much. You're going to have to stop being selfish and are going to have to take on some of the burden for the best interest of your child to have a relationship with his father. Everything that happened while you two were together does not matter anymore, so let it go...
If he was only able to see his son every 4-6 weeks before and it can be worked out between the both of you were your son can see his father more often, then why do you have an issue with this?
Doni, - Did you even read her posts?
Her ex-husband was abusive, has severe anger issues, bit her, even bit her mother during an argument (yes, BIT), she was afraid that he would kill her and their son, police needed to be called on several occasions, he stole her life's savings, refused to work, allows her son to be in dangerous situations, doesn't "watch" his son or even want to play with him or talk to him and you think that she is being too hard on her ex-husband? Sheesh!
If he really wants to be a part of his son's life don't you think that he would want to talk to him on the phone, spend time with him & play with him when he visits, give him a birthday or Christmas present (instead of show off the presents that he bought for himself) ?
PS. The OP just added an important detail. He got married to get to the US and had a child to keep his green card. What a great guy (very heavy sarcasm).
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-01-2014 at 03:09 PM..
If my ex DID have custody, I would MOVE to live near my child. There is NO WAY I would see my child only one time per month. I love my son and do everything for him. There was NO reason my ex did not move closer when I left. Let me state again - I HAD NO OPTIONS. He emptied my bank account, and previously took my savings. I had nothing. I did not have a job in Philly. He did not have a job in Philly. He had no reason to stay there. There's a Russian community in Philly. Ok. My ex does not associate with the Russian community or live near it. He likes being where he is because he thinks there are attractive women and there are a lot of cafes. That is why he chose to stay there. I am not being bitter or resentful. It's merely the truth. If he wanted to be closer to our son, he would move. I am not moving to Philadelphia, where I have no job or family, so that he can be near our son, who he does not support or even really care to see.
By the way, for the last three months my ex husband has said that I could move to NC and that he would move as well. He has since changed his mind because we are divorced and he said he wants to find a woman where he is currently living.
He currently lives 400 miles from our son, by his choice. Why is he in Philly? People are not believing when I say he has no job. He cleans carpets and advertises on craigslist. He gets like 2 jobs per week. That's how he supports himself. He has to be in Philly to do that????
So far I have tried the polite and courteous way. It does not work with sociopathic people. Have you seen "Orange is the New Black"? The character "Vee" reminded me so much of him. He will say anything but he only has a personal agenda. He really wants ME to get back together with him. He thinks if I am afraid of losing my son (even part of the time) I will get back together with him. Why does he want me back with him? So he can resume stealing my money. When I am done with grad school I will have decent money. I made decent money when I lived in Russia (where we met). He is used to feeding off people for his personal gain. That is his personality. Sometimes I feel like he is really just a shell of a person. There is no depth, soul, moral compass. You can feel that when talking to him that he is saying things in order to manipulate and that is all. You think my son needs that in his life, just because of a genetic connection? If I were in HIS shoes, I would focus ONLY on my son, be near him, buy him things, read to him, send him surprises by mail, meet by skype and show him toys or books by skype etc. etc. You think my ex does these things? no he does not.
So far I have tried the polite and courteous way. It does not work with sociopathic people. Have you seen "Orange is the New Black"? The character "Vee" reminded me so much of him. He will say anything but he only has a personal agenda. He really wants ME to get back together with him. He thinks if I am afraid of losing my son (even part of the time) I will get back together with him. Why does he want me back with him? So he can resume stealing my money. When I am done with grad school I will have decent money. I made decent money when I lived in Russia (where we met). He is used to feeding off people for his personal gain. That is his personality. Sometimes I feel like he is really just a shell of a person. There is no depth, soul, moral compass. You can feel that when talking to him that he is saying things in order to manipulate and that is all. You think my son needs that in his life, just because of a genetic connection? If I were in HIS shoes, I would focus ONLY on my son, be near him, buy him things, read to him, send him surprises by mail, meet by skype and show him toys or books by skype etc. etc. You think my ex does these things? no he does not.
OP, do you have any proof that the man has been violent towards you, and more importantly, towards your son?
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