Unruly 19-year-old under my roof (child, classes, six year old, husband)
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Then they should both move out. This is not a roommate situation. You haven't admittedly made mistakes raising your roommates. It's not cool to arrange to move out leaving your child, regardless of their age, for the landlord to evict has some have suggested.
This isn't some stranger that you got off of Craigslist. What do you think the landlord is going to do if you talk to them? Do you think they want to be stuck with this? They aren't social services. The daughter has no means of support, can't pay rent, so you are knowingly sticking the landlord with a bunch of problems that you (the OP) admit you created.
I didn't say anything about disciplining the daughter. If you want to move, move. But don't leave your mess for others to clean up. It's not right.
Society is going to be supporting the OP's daughter for a long time. An angry adult child with no skills and no sense of right and wrong is going to be let loose on society either way. Can't wait til she gets knocked up!
But yeah, there is something slimy about leaving the daughter behind for the landlord to deal with. My father has dealt with such people in his rental properties and he kind of views it as "recreational" since he enjoys battling idiots, but he's not dependent on that income. Even when he's doing it without a lawyer, the amount of time and money it costs him would be devastating to someone who was reliant mainly on their rental income or even just trying to hold down a normal job.
You can still tell them to move out -- and different states may have different laws on grown children demanding their parents house and feed them forever. I am not afraid to throw my kids out -- and they know I'm not afraid.
In fact I start showing my kids where the door is before they turn 18 and remind them I'm only obligated to support them until age 18 then the deals' off -- unless I want to keep them and they want to stay.
In this case, maybe telling the adult child that the lease is up and then the OP will go her own way and the adult child can go her own way so it's time for her to get off her lazy rear end and get a job.
A parent doesn't do a child any favors at all when the parent allows the child to lay around doing nothing with themselves. The whole goal of parenthood is to get the child to independent adulthood.
What Hopes is pointing out is not that she has a legal obligation to support her daughter (at least she doesn't in all but a few states); it's that they're both on the lease and OP doesn't own the property. These are different issues.
Then they should both move out. This is not a roommate situation. You haven't admittedly made mistakes raising your roommates. It's not cool to arrange to move out leaving your child, regardless of their age, for the landlord to evict has some have suggested.
This isn't some stranger that you got off of Craigslist. What do you think the landlord is going to do if you talk to them? Do you think they want to be stuck with this? They aren't social services. The daughter has no means of support, can't pay rent, so you are knowingly sticking the landlord with a bunch of problems that you (the OP) admit you created.
I didn't say anything about disciplining the daughter. If you want to move, move. But don't leave your mess for others to clean up. It's not right.
Legally, even if OP moves out, it's just as much her responsibility. She could end up with a judgement against her for unpaid rent or damages and, if she leaves anything at all behind, be evicted herself (though the former will have the same effect as an eviction).
Legally, even if OP moves out, it's just as much her responsibility. She could end up with a judgement against her for unpaid rent or damages and, if she leaves anything at all behind, be evicted herself (though the former will have the same effect as an eviction).
I'm saying they both need to move out, when the lease is up, having paid the rent, owing nothing - obviously the OP pays the rent now. That would be the right thing to do. There should be no need to evict or sue anyone for anything.
Why was the daughter added to the lease? She doesn't have a job, has no income. Is the mother on Section 8 or some other charity voucher, that mandated that the adult daughter be added to the voucher and the lease? This may be why the OP cannot so easily separate her living situation from her daughter's - if mom is on a charity voucher together with daughter, it's a lot of work to get this separated.
if you kick her to the curb she'll just end up with some meth addicted druggie who will knock her up. It's pretty much too late to change her from a discipline standpoint at 19. Too many hormones floating around, with not enough life experience to deal with them.
You could try having a heart to heart and asking what is bothering her... otherwise she just has to 'live and learn' since most people do not learn anything by being told what to do once past say the age of 10 or so... they have to live it, fall on their butts, and hopefully get back up.
Do not bail her out when she screws up. Emotional support only. Bailing people out financially just enables them to keep up self destructive behaviors and not learn from their mistakes. The government does a good enough job already basically letting women raise their kids without having to work at all....
Except that at age 19, she's not really a problem child any more, she's a problem adult. If she were a spouse, it would be time for divorce. Once a child becomes an adult, it's really too late to try to raise them or discipline them. It seems like a bad roommate situation, what would you do if you had a terrible and abusive roommate? I think talking to the landlord would be a good first step. If the lease is about over, it's a good time for the OP to go her separate way. It would be good to let the daughter know now that she intends to move on without her, that their roommate situation just isn't working.
That is a good point, as it is a "bad roommate situation", with one tenant is not contributing towards living expenses. After all, it was the landlord who wanted the unruly adult daughter on the lease.
if you kick her to the curb she'll just end up with some meth addicted druggie who will knock her up. It's pretty much too late to change her from a discipline standpoint at 19. Too many hormones floating around, with not enough life experience to deal with them.
You could try having a heart to heart and asking what is bothering her... otherwise she just has to 'live and learn' since most people do not learn anything by being told what to do once past say the age of 10 or so... they have to live it, fall on their butts, and hopefully get back up.
Do not bail her out when she screws up. Emotional support only. Bailing people out financially just enables them to keep up self destructive behaviors and not learn from their mistakes. The government does a good enough job already basically letting women raise their kids without having to work at all....
The OP is an alcoholic who is still deciding if she wants to get sober. The daughter is exhibiting behavior that is common among children whose parents have not been steady parents and who were often incapacitated or "checked out". I've seen it over and over again.
The daughter is angry at her mother, at how unprepared she is for starting her adult life and her lack of prospects. She feels trapped with her mother and she's lashing out at the person she sees as the source of her problems. She needs to feel empowered, but with a likely indifferent academic record and no actual skills or history of responsibility, it's going to be hard for her to find that.
She's not going to listen to her mother and probably the best thing for her is to get far away and surround herself with functional people who can provide stable examples. But how many teenagers can do that?
I had a relative in a similar situation (so so so so much rage!), and it was only through blind luck that he pulled himself out of it - he managed to find himself in some jobs where he encountered some very stable and admirable mentors who saw how talented he was. Most kids in the situation of the OP's daughter don't get that kind of luck.
Until the OP gets her life together and addresses her addiction, she's in no position to be a model or a mentor to her daughter. Her daughter will not listen or pay attention.
That is a good point, as it is a "bad roommate situation", with one tenant is not contributing towards living expenses. After all, it was the landlord who wanted the unruly adult daughter on the lease.
Okay. So stick the landlord with the bill. There's some more responsible parenting to add to the long list above. Way to set an example. Sheesh.
The OP is an alcoholic who is still deciding if she wants to get sober.
That's what I thought.
OP, you need to seek help in the real world, not post to an internet forum. Posting is not the same as actually addressing the problem.
Many churches allow AA meetings in one of their rooms. You might start with finding a nearby meeting and attending that and then as you get stronger, you'll be in a better position to deal with your daughter. She would also benefit from attending Al-Anon (for relatives of alcoholics), if you can get her to go.
The first step starts with you. Go for it!
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