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Why the heck do so many people in this country resent what their parents did? So many seem to have this deep seated need to distance themselves from them...
What in the world did those parents do to you around here?
I am trying pretty hard to copy about 80% of what my mom did, with some modifications for the remaining 20%, but nothing resentful. And I am desperately trying to copy 100% of what my grandmother did and was, all while remaining aware that I will never be able to benefit from the advantages and slow pace of life she enjoyed in her time.
I know that both my mom and my grandmother had it easier than I do, overall, so I end up not blaming myself too much for not being able to be what they were.
Otherwise, I could only hope to be able to do what they did as parents...and it's just not working out that well with contemporary pressures.
I know I have this intense pressure to be an awesome parent 24/7....and I know that's not realistic, and I know that many people subscribe to this myth of the Perfect Parent........but I still don't know where it came from and don't know how to "fix" it.......when I am with my kids (ages 7 and 4, girl and boy) I tell myself to just relax, be yourself....because that's what they really need......but it's almost impossible for me to relax and be me with them.......maybe I blame my own parents for a lot of my adult "issues" and so I have placed overimportance on parenting and its effects on the children......if I blame my parents for my emotional pain, then I have told myself that the quality of parenting is critical to children's wellbeing later in life........just a thought..................whatever it is, it ssuuuucckks!!!
The myth of being the perfect ANYTHING comes from us worrying about what other people think and not following our own hearts. I think part of the problem is that we as parents don't always share our challenges. Sometimes we only talk about the successes, in potty training, meeting other milestones, graduations, etc. I actually blogged about my teen daughter stealing and wanted to call a radio station the other day when they asked about the worst potty training stories, lol. I think its good for people to share their "failures" and "successes" so we all see that no one has the book on how to be the perfect parent.
Two suggestions:
1. I think you need to forgive your parents, whether you let them know or just do it in your head. Then you can let that go and be the parent that your kids need you to be.
2. Stop over analyzing parenting. Yes, what we do as parents can affect our children as well as what they are exposed to outside of us. Its our reactions and coping to situations that's more important than the situation itself.
You will be surprised at how much your children will appreciate and remember of you (things that you didn't even realize were significant). For example, my 3 year old son loves for me to dance with him while waiting for the microwave to finish. Yes, the microwave. He doesn't care that we don't always have a fresh home cooked meal daily. He just likes that I dance with him .
Why the heck do so many people in this country resent what their parents did? So many seem to have this deep seated need to distance themselves from them...
What in the world did those parents do to you around here?
I am trying pretty hard to copy about 80% of what my mom did, with some modifications for the remaining 20%, but nothing resentful. And I am desperately trying to copy 100% of what my grandmother did and was, all while remaining aware that I will never be able to benefit from the advantages and slow pace of life she enjoyed in her time.
I know that both my mom and my grandmother had it easier than I do, overall, so I end up not blaming myself too much for not being able to be what they were.
Otherwise, I could only hope to be able to do what they did as parents...and it's just not working out that well with contemporary pressures.
Because some of us had pretty horrible parents. ...I did not parent at all like my father did (because he called the shots and mom went along).... and even mom even says thatv we did a better job. Why would i want to raise my daughter to think she is second class and can't do g what she dreams simply because of her gender?
Because some of us had pretty horrible parents. ...I did not parent at all like my father did (because he called the shots and mom went along).... and even mom even says thatv we did a better job. Why would i want to raise my daughter to think she is second class and can't do g what she dreams simply because of her gender?
My parents were pretty terrible too, if not with any particular malicious intent. My Mom could inspire the made for TV movie about How Not To Raise a Teenager. My Dad was mostly absentee, and a drunk when present. I'm pretty much doing the opposite of all that stuff. But I've always forgiven them, because here's the thing...they, like pretty much all parents, were doing the best they knew how with the tools they had. And somehow I turned out fairly confident, successful, and very functional. I can't complain about the end results, although I think I sought better role models elsewhere.
Both of them had one thing in common though. Their own head problems, their own issues, their own self centered realities, were a LOT more consuming and important to them than whatever may have been going on with their children. They are fullll of excuses as to why they couldn't or didn't do better. So I grew up to despise excuses and demand some accountability from myself and those in my home.
OP: It really, really sounds to me like you're overthinking this. Yes, be yourself. Go with your gut. Love your kids. Don't sweat the small stuff. But if you're as freaked out as your post sounds, please seek some therapy. I normally don't recommend therapy, because it hasn't been that effective in my experience, and I think many people (especially here) are too quick to go there. But in your case, I'm not saying you have a medical problem needing a diagnosis, I'm saying it sounds like you need to talk things out. Bounce your thoughts off of someone and let them help you make sense of it. Counseling type therapy might be really helpful to you. Just my 2 cents. Best of luck.
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