What to do when your child doesn't like one side of the family? (parents, wife)
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My son(4 years old) is always playful and talkative when he is with my family (extended and all) but when he is with his fathers family he is quiet and hides under us. I have never been the biggest fans of them because they can be somewhat ill-mannered; however his father wants him to be close to them. He has even told us he doesn't want to go to his grandparents house or stay with them. He has never spent the night even though his grandparents always ask. Out of all seven of my husbands siblings he only speaks to one aunt and one uncle. I also spoke to my brother in-laws wife and their sone refuses to go see the grandparents as well. What should I do? I do not want to hurt my husbands feelings.
I don't think it's a stretch to assume your son has picked up on your feelings about your in-laws. Why not let your husband take him to visit them a couple of times on his own? Your little boy may come out of his shell if you aren't there.
I would not arrange a sleepover until he is comfortable with the idea.
You can't do anything, it's the job of the adults to behave in ways that foster a close relationship. If that side of the family doesn't feel emotionally safe to him there is nothing you can do about it, this is on them. The fact that some other kdis feel the same way speaks volumes, I don't think he's picking up on your feelings here.
My son(4 years old) is always playful and talkative when he is with my family (extended and all) but when he is with his fathers family he is quiet and hides under us. I have never been the biggest fans of them because they can be somewhat ill-mannered; however his father wants him to be close to them. He has even told us he doesn't want to go to his grandparents house or stay with them. He has never spent the night even though his grandparents always ask. Out of all seven of my husbands siblings he only speaks to one aunt and one uncle. I also spoke to my brother in-laws wife and their sone refuses to go see the grandparents as well. What should I do? I do not want to hurt my husbands feelings.
Through your actions toward this side of the family you have taught your child it is okay to dislike them the same way you do.
Whether they are "ill mannered" to you or not if this child is to get to know them he has to be exposed to them more than a couple hours every holiday.
Perhaps your husband should take your child to visit the family without you a few times and see if the dynamic changes without your influence.
Try to investigate why your son reacts so differently to your husband's family. Or better yet, have your husband try to figure it out.
It could be as simple as Grandpa having a beard and a big booming voice. Or they give big bear hugs. Or their breath smells like garlic. Or they always have loud music playing at their house. Or there is always so many people at their house that it is overwhelming to your son. Or they do not give bear hugs. Or their breath does not smell like garlic & pizza & Italian food (like your family).
Or perhaps your son overheard you talking about them being "ill-mannered" and that you don't like them so he doesn't want to like them either. Or he "senses" that you aren't comfortable with them.
Or they have different household rules than his other grandparents. Or his other grandparents do not have rules at all. Or his other grandparents always give him toys, gifts and treats when he visits and your son now "expects that" from all grandparents.
Or maybe it could be something worse. (very unlikely)
Or maybe he gets a lot of attention when he is not talking to them, "Oh honey, what is wrong? What can I do to make it better? No, you can stay home with me, you don't have to gothere."
What does your husband say about it? Does he know why your son isn't comfortable.
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PS. I know a family where the grandchildren did not visit the paternal grandparents very often because grandma was in a wheelchair (physically disabled but mentally alert) and the mother said that they did not have to visit her in-laws because she did not want to force her young children to "have to see a disabled person". The mother would say disparaging things about people with handicapping conditions to her children when their father wasn't around. Sadly, Dad didn't realize until years later why his children were reluctant to visit his parents.
OP, I am certainly not implying that you would say anything bad about your in-laws in front of your son but I wanted to point out that sometimes that does happen.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-01-2014 at 01:38 PM..
Through your actions toward this side of the family you have taught your child it is okay to dislike them the same way you do.
I agree that could be what is happening.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
Whether they are "ill mannered" to you or not if this child is to get to know them he has to be exposed to them more than a couple hours every holiday. Perhaps your husband should take your child to visit the family without you a few times and see if the dynamic changes without your influence.
I agree.
Often it is the mother that sets up the family social calendar. Could it be that you are setting up numerous fun events and outings with your parents and your son, or with your family so there is little free time left over for your son to have fun times with your husband's family?
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-01-2014 at 01:42 PM..
He has gone over there with his father many times without me and when he comes home he says he doesn't want to go back.They scream and yell and curse and he is not use to that.
He has gone over there with his father many times without me and when he comes home he says he doesn't want to go back. They scream and yell and curse and he is not use to that.
Did your husband's parents "scream and yell and curse" when he was growing up? Did you husband turn out OK?
Perhaps, you could suggest to your husband that he and your son visit with his parents in places where they are not likely to "scream and yell and curse" such as the park, school activities, church, a museum, or a restaurant?
What would happen if your husband politely suggested that they not "scream and yell and curse" as much in front of your son? What if your husband is honest and says "Mom and Dad, I love you but Junior gets upset with all of the loud yelling & screaming and he does not like to visit you. I think if you can 'tone it down a little' Junior might want to visit you more often."
Maybe his parents would try to be quieter and curse less if it meant that they would see their grandson more often.
Good luck to you.
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-01-2014 at 02:06 PM..
Did your husband's parents "scream and yell and curse" when he was growing up? Did you husband turn out OK?
He would of turned out like the others; however, two of his siblings and him were raised by his aunt the rest were in and out of foster care.
But we will try to get her to stop cursing. Since we did get her to stop smoking around our child.
Yeah my kids had one set who barely acknowledged them, and one set who thought the sun rose and shone around them.
Guess which set they spend Christmas with?
FWIW I am so incredibly thankful they didn't get close to my dysfunctional mob.
I am literally the only one with a heart or soul, my alleged forbears are made of granite.
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