Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Your friend must have thought you had a closer relationship than you did.
Actually, I'd known the woman who wanted me to be the guardian of her son since I was a child and she was like a mother to me. We remain close to this day. She chose me because I was a tremendously responsible 20-something with her values. And I was shocked the day she casually turned to me and said, "If something happens to me you've been named as guardian for Jack." Who had issues.
I spent a lot of time urging her to wear her seat belt and eat her vegetables. (Jack turned out to be a great guy without my help. )
Last edited by DewDropInn; 12-06-2013 at 04:24 PM..
My father had a very good friend who was diagnosed and died of ovarian cancer within about 4 weeks. She left a 12 year old daughter in complete limbo. In the end, a family member took her but it was agonizing seeing this poor kid so lost and feeling completely alone.
Someone does not need to be a blood relative to raise your children. The possibility of this happening is slim but it does happen and your children should not be left dealing with the loss of their parent(s) and wondering what will happen to them.
We approached my Aunt as well as several good family friends. As our children grew up, we changed up the guardians. At this point, DS would take over the care and keeping of his sister. We treated the list just like one does with their references on their resume, we did ask prior to listing them.
I completely agree with the person who also noted to state specifically who you do not want to be able to get their hands on your children. The can not have my kids list is what prompted the guardian list back when my DS was only weeks old.
A single-parent friend of mine did that. She listed me as guardian of her under-age child when she had her will drawn up. She told me about it after the fact. I was never asked my opinion on the subject. I was in my 20's and her son was about 13 and was, to put it mildly, a handful. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the proposition.
The polite thing to do is ask ahead of time.
That's what we did. Asked ahead of time. It's a tough process to think through and we were surprised at who didn't "make the cut." I'd hate to surprise someone with the responsibility of raising children they never planned for - talk about being blind sided!
This is a problem for us too. Right now we have it as my husband's sister and her husband, but I'm not really thrilled about that choice. It's just that we don't really have any better options. I would like to pick my middle sister, but she is so much younger than me that she is not really in a stable place yet herself. She hasn't even finished college yet. We do have friends who I would also pick, but I feel weird asking them, as both couples have 2-3 kids themselves who are younger than ours, so taking on our two would be a lot to ask. Our parents might be possibilities, but my mom has already taken in her other grandchild, and my in-laws take care of their other grandchildren daily too. My step-mom gets along great with the kids, but I don't know if she'd really be up for it in retirement, though I'm sure that she would figure it out if need be, so she could be another possibility. As it is, we still have it down as my SIL, but I am hoping to change it to my sister when she's more stable. And though we keep saying we should revisit our wills, we haven't done it because we are still avoiding dealing with the guardianship issue.
One way to combat some of these issues is to make sure you have enough life insurance to support your children and the family to which they would go, not that you have to support their total lifestyle but enough money to cover added expenses to their budget, including costs for college, weddings, etc. and any changes they would need to make to their living situation, bigger house or adding on, etc. Knowing that financially it will not be a burden makes it easier to ask.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
If you're too uncomfortable approaching people, there's nothing wrong with letting it be a surprise. You'll be dead anyway. And honestly, their answers to the question are only relevant at that very moment in time. Nothing they say now is written in stone. Some could say yes, and then later not be in a position to do it. Someone could say no right now, and develop very deep feelings for your family as the years progress. I think people believe they need to ask because they think the will requires a commitment. Nobody is committed to anything. Having guardians in your will merely allows the state to understand your wishes. The people in the will can accept or refuse.
Sorry but that is just really not a good idea. Many lawyers will even ask for a signed document stating that these people have agreed to take your children.
For those with no relatives, ask friends. Also know that you can change if needed. I know we started out with one couple but as they changed and we didn't really like what we saw, we changed who we listed to people we felt were a better fit for our kids. Our kids are all over 18 now so I'm glad we don't really have to worry about that any more.
Another thing to look into is to see how your state deals with temporary guardianship. In our state, until the will is read, your children can be removed from your home and placed in foster care or other state-appointed care until your will is executed. Having a temporary guardianship drawn up, outside of the will, allows those people to care for your children right away.
Many lawyers will even ask for a signed document stating that these people have agreed to take your children.
That not how it's done in my state. Here, there is no commitment to another person's will. They can change their minds at any time without notifying the parents. Signed document or not, nobody is bound to taking another person's child, and parents wouldn't want people bound to it after their feelings and situations change anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by golfgal
I know we started out with one couple but as they changed and we didn't really like what we saw, we changed who we listed to people we felt were a better fit for our kids.
That reminds me of why I was glad that I selected a long list of potential guardians. Once my children were older, their opinions on who they wanted to be with changed through the years. I felt their opinion mattered and stated so in our will.
I understand how hard this decision is, but you need to designate someone, and you need to ask them first. No one will be perfect. No one will be good enough, but they will be better than a string of foster parents.
As others have said, the person who gets the kids and the person who gets control of the money should be different people.
This thread has got me thinking. I really ought to sort out guardians but the problem is all my family is in another country (and most of her father's family is out of the question). Which is worse - her having to go to another country or having to go to someone less than ideal?
Another way to look at it is who DON'T you want to take your kids. If you don't designate someone, the court will and what if it's one of the people on your "don't" list.
This thread has got me thinking. I really ought to sort out guardians but the problem is all my family is in another country (and most of her father's family is out of the question). Which is worse - her having to go to another country or having to go to someone less than ideal?
Another country is better than living with someone less than ideal.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
)
