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Am i the only one around here who thinks 15 year olds should not go to PARTIES without a parent present?
I feel like i'm taking crazy pills here.
When i was a kid, we 'wanted' to go to parties....but never were actually 'did' or 'could'.
What has the world come to! This has become such a norm, with noone even noticing the difference anymore!! JEEEEEBUS! lol
No, my daughter is a senior in high school and she does not go to parties where adults are not present. None of her friends try to sneak in alcohol, and, at the one party where the friend of a friend did, the KIDS were the ones that asked him to leave.
However, OP says that adults were there but obviously not supervising properly.
. Unfortunately, it now looks like her days working as a teen, cheerleading, driving a car and graduating as a member if the NHS are also over.
Are you basing this on any real, concrete information? Or what you've heard from various people? Have you actually spoken to her school? To the lawyer? To anyone at all?
Your extremist attitude here reminds me of when you were sure DD2 could never ever get into med school. Because she was getting a C in an AP highschool course. It's a little bizzare that, an adult..one who is a teacher and works with teens....can't seem to get that not everything in life is one extreme or the other. Good grief.
Quote:
Our next stop will be a suicide lock down.
Again. Based on what? Perhaps YOU need to tone down the "life as we know it is over" business and move on to "what's done is done, how do we move forward in a positive way, making the most of this lesson."
Research what her options are. The real ones not the ones you fear. Talk to the lawyer. Stop blaming your husband or allowing your daughter to. The misbehavior was on your daughter and it wasn't the first time she's done this. She's been punished and apparently, that didn't have a lasting impact on her did it? I'm in the camp that your husband is tired of tiptoing around your failure to accept that DD2 can do anything wrong, and, given the family history, was willing to go to extremes to make his point. It may end up saving her life if handled well. Focus on that. Then sit down, as a family and figure out how to move ahead. It's your job to show her that life is NOT over. It's a serious bump in the road, but part of growing up is learning to accept responsibility for one's actions and move forward from there. Please don't rob your daughter of this life lesson.
Pull yourself together and be the parent your daughters both need.
Last edited by maciesmom; 11-06-2013 at 02:10 PM..
Reason: addl thought and spelling
Where did I say I never took any action.....Do you people make up the "facts" of my life as you go here? She has been grounded in the past for drinking. She has lost privilidges and had to earn them back (this is the second time she came home under the influence but we also found a bottle at one point too that she claimed belonged to a friend. Didn't buy it. Grounded her for two weeks. Grounded her from going to parties after she came home under the influence. This was the third party she had attended after earning back the right to go. She seemed fine after the other two.). I never said there have been no consequences up until now. However, I"ll agree with you that this is the most extreme thing that could have been done and that there were lesser things that could have been and should have been done first. Hauling a child off to the police SOBER (drunk makes no sense at all because she couldn't possibly get anything positive out of the encounter) would be a last ditch effort. That's what you do when you've tried everything else...or in dh's case, last Saturday.
If my daughter had come home just one time from drinking at a party, that would be the last party she went to. Fifteen year olds do not need to be out at parties where alcohol is served. Who is giving these parties, and where is the supervision? It's not just the fact she's coming home drunk, how is she getting home? Who is driving her? Are they also under the influence? You're lucky she's alive and not another DUI fatality.
If the girl has already been caught drinking, and grounded as a result, and yet did it again and again, it was indeed time to up the consequences. I can't fathom how you don't realize you have a serious problem on your hands, and a slap on the wrist is not going to change her behavior.
Suicide lock down? For you, or her? She'll be fine, and may end up more mature for her experience. The major drama appears to be in your head.
What's so bizarre to me is OP seems more concerned about her daughter's ability to cheer and such and the illegal alcohol abuse is taking a backseat to it. So what? She cannot cheer. Find another activity be it school or community based.
The more you post about your husband and his alcoholism, the more it seems that he is extremely worried about your daughter and wants to protect her from going down that same road. Again, JMHO.
You claim it's because he doesn't like her, but it appears more likely that it's because he's been there.
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Originally Posted by maciesmom
Are you basing this on any real, concrete information? Or what you've heard from various people? Have you actually spoken to her school? To the lawyer? To anyone at all?
I don't know about the other stuff, but the NHS has a specific code of conduct. If she ends up with a criminal record, she may be ineligible for NHS.
Last edited by raindrop101; 11-06-2013 at 01:59 PM..
As far as I know, she did not drink at the last two parties she attended. She says she didn't and she didn't come home smelling of alcohol. So yes, I gave her the benefit of a doubt. The kid's parents were home for the party. It was just a halloween party.
OK, the kids parents were home. I guess they have no idea how much trouble THEY could get in when they allow (knowing or not knowing) underage drinking in their home. They'd better get themselves a real good lawyer. And IMHO, I would NOT allow my 15 year old to ever go to a house where the parents allowed drinking. I don't care whether or not there were designated drivers. These are still underage teens.
As for not smelling of alcohol...it's pretty easy to do after drinking.
Hauling a child off to the police SOBER (drunk makes no sense at all because she couldn't possibly get anything positive out of the encounter) would be a last ditch effort. That's what you do when you've tried everything else...or in dh's case, last Saturday.
Why do you feel this way? I think taking her drunk probably (I am assuming your dh was at the end of his rope) was not a bad idea. Let her handle it like the adult she obviously thinks she is (by drinking).
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Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
Given the legal fees are already over $2K, I'm going to say he's regretting that right about now. The only way I'd haul a kid in is if they were a danger to themselves or someone else. Otherwise, I'd handle this within the family. Given that dh was the kid who threw the parties growing up, I'm kind of amazed that he took the action he did. It came out in therapy that he started raiding the liquer cabinet when he was 9.
Sounds to me like even though it's over $2K, it's a bullet your entire family has to bite. But if what comes out of is your daughter learning an extremely valuable lesson, then it's money well spent.
Ivory, I'm sympathetic to you because I, too, have a 15-year-old daughter and raising a teen isn't easy.
But your comments about your daughter's drinking are disturbing because you sound like a classic enabler--letting her do it and making excuses. Feeling sorry for her when she has to suffer the consequences. Does your husband still drink? I have a feeling that alcoholism in your household is the root of what is going on here. Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting?
I don't think it should be at all acceptable for the parent of a teenager to condone underage drinking. Yes, it goes on, but parents should make their expectations about drinking clear to their kids and let them know there will be serious consequences. If I learned that my daughter had a drink at a party she'd be grounded, plain and simple. And if she ever drinks and drives, she'll lose driving privileges for a long, long time.
You're saying that if your daughter loses everything she cares about, she'll no longer care about anything. To the contrary, this might make her figure out exactly what she cares about and realize that poor decision-making can have huge costs.
Also, did it ever occur to you that maybe she's in over her head with older kids and came home drunk on purpose to get your attention? Maybe she wants you to put your foot down and give her a reason to stop partying with older students.
I have to second this. The more you reveal about alcoholism in your family, the more alarmed I am. Ivory, was someone in your family an alcoholic while you were growing up?
Yeah, if my 15 year old came home from anything and had been drinking that would be the end of all social activity outside my home for a YEAR. you gave her two weeks? I wonder what kind of community you live in where drinking at parties where parents are supposedly supervising is considered a norm.
I am now firmly on your husband's side. He did the right thing. I'm sure he is sorry about the legal fees but he realized what you can not. SOMEONE had to try to stop this train wreck. He should use the money you were going to spend on her 16th birthday for her car.
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