charge him rent, kick him out or ??? (decent kid, pregnant, parent)
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DS is 19 and just graduated this year. He was supposed to be attending an area community college this fall but decided he didn't want to go. His tuition would have been completely covered by financial aid. He works around 32 hours a week at a minimum wage job. He works nights (7pm-2 or 3 am) and sleeps until around 3pm, gets up and goes to hang out with friends then goes to work. That's basically it. On his days off sometimes he gets up early (9ish) and goes out and sometimes he sleeps until noon then goes out.
He doesn't seem to have any long term plans for his future. When I press him about it he says he's going to join the navy but he just stopped taking ADHD meds so he needs to wait until spring before they will even consider taking him. He's also talked about getting tattoos which I've warned him might mess up any chance to join the navy due to changing tattoo regulations. He doesn't seem concerned about that. I don't think he really wants to join the military at all but he just says that so I will stop asking him what he's going to do.
What can I do to motivate him or make him start planning for his future? He seems perfectly happy the way things are right now and I can see him being this way as long as he can. Should I start to charge him rent? He is supposed to be paying us back for the car we bought for him but he blows through his money as soon as he gets it. (BTW, the only reason we bought him the car is because of his work hours. I cannot pick him up at 3am when I need to go to work myself in the morning) We've already told him that he will be out of the house BY june 1 of next year. Is that too far off? He seems to think he has all the time in the world and is not concerned about how he's going to support himself. I've told him that he needs to get a second job if he's not going to school but he's not even trying to find anything. He basically just comes home to sleep or eat when he's run out of money.
Any HELPFUL suggestions without bashing?
Our daughter was still living at home at 24 but she was going to college. We let her live there rent-free and made sure her car was full of gas as long as she was going to school. She was also working full-time. She got her AA, but then decided to quit and not get her 2nd degree. So we started charging her rent plus her portion of all the utilities, made her get her own phone, and she had to help clean up around the house.
She stayed about 6 months before she moved out and got her own place.
There is really nothing I can cut him off from.
...
He was supposed to pay us on Aug. 1 but he only has $100 left in his account as of sunday and he got paid on friday.
Um, you take away his car. Park it somewhere he can't find it until he pays you, including any amount in arrears.
His job hours and how he gets there are not your problem. He can get his buddies to take him to work.
You are enabling this kid, you just don't realize it.
To me your son doesn't sound all that terrible for a 19 year old who has been on ADHD drugs. For one it might take some time to detoxify. He's working, he's not just laying around doing nothing.
Kids mature at different rates. It doesn't sound like yours is causing you a whole lot of trouble, but I would make him pay you back for the car since he's not in college. Even if he were in college, he could pay you back. He could pay some rent -- but if he's paying his own insurance, that looks like a pretty big chunk of his income.
It's up to you if you want him out of the house -- is there any way he can advance in his job? College isn't the only possibility. What kind of friends doesn't he have, is he drinking or doing things you don't approve of? I'm all for kicking a problem-child-adult out but a good enough kid who is just not quite hitting the floor running might be better off living with parents -- in my opinion, adulthood isn't necessarily right at age 18, it's more a range with 18 being on the young side for it, and 23 or so being the upper end.
I would tell him that you accept whatever career direction he might take, college is great but maybe he could consider a trade of some kind, or be promoted up in the line of work he's in. He may not be considering enough options.
I would agree with this. Being 19 and just graduating from high school is a time to gain experience in life. It sounds as if the OP's son is doing just that by working 32 hours a week. There is nothing wrong with this at all, and in fact in many ways it can be extremely beneficial for young people figuring out what they want to do.
Obviously, the OP's son is going to have gradually keep taking increasingly greater financial responsibility for his own life (and that can be worked in through the car loan and rent), but he's 19, not 27 or something. He's barely started in the real world. Maybe through this job he'll decide he eventually wants to go to community college, join the Navy, or keep working there. As long as he's not causing trouble, being supportive is the best thing the parent can do.
DS is 19 and just graduated this year. He was supposed to be attending an area community college this fall but decided he didn't want to go. His tuition would have been completely covered by financial aid. He works around 32 hours a week at a minimum wage job. He works nights (7pm-2 or 3 am) and sleeps until around 3pm, gets up and goes to hang out with friends then goes to work. That's basically it. On his days off sometimes he gets up early (9ish) and goes out and sometimes he sleeps until noon then goes out.
He doesn't seem to have any long term plans for his future. When I press him about it he says he's going to join the navy but he just stopped taking ADHD meds so he needs to wait until spring before they will even consider taking him. He's also talked about getting tattoos which I've warned him might mess up any chance to join the navy due to changing tattoo regulations. He doesn't seem concerned about that. I don't think he really wants to join the military at all but he just says that so I will stop asking him what he's going to do.
What can I do to motivate him or make him start planning for his future? He seems perfectly happy the way things are right now and I can see him being this way as long as he can. Should I start to charge him rent? He is supposed to be paying us back for the car we bought for him but he blows through his money as soon as he gets it. (BTW, the only reason we bought him the car is because of his work hours. I cannot pick him up at 3am when I need to go to work myself in the morning) We've already told him that he will be out of the house BY june 1 of next year. Is that too far off? He seems to think he has all the time in the world and is not concerned about how he's going to support himself. I've told him that he needs to get a second job if he's not going to school but he's not even trying to find anything. He basically just comes home to sleep or eat when he's run out of money.
Any HELPFUL suggestions without bashing?
hes only 19 why make him grow up so fast? let him chill out for a couple years do you want him to kick you out when your 80 into a nursing home?
do you want him to kick you out when your 80 into a nursing home?
I'd rather plan to be in a nursing home than assume my kids will be there for me when I get old, besides, I would rather die than force my own children to wipe my a**.
My daughter was not ready for college, she pretty much blew the first year. So, forcing him to go to college is not going to work.
You may not want to hear this, but maybe a minimum wage job is his comfort level.
My daughter has picked her own path, she works seasonal jobs, summer at National Parks, where housing is provided, winters at ski resorts, where housing is provided for employees. She hangs with us during interim.
He doesn't see? He's 19. He sees and does what works for him.
Exactly!
I have a friend with an 18 year old going on 19 H.S. drop-out, who is living off his mother's hand-outs and the meagre salary supplied by working as few hours as possible at his grandmother's restaurant. He's working two hours less hours than he agreed to, but grandma still pays him the originally agreed salary anyway...he's the only male grandchild.
His salary goes to buy marijuana and to entertain himself with his friends, he recently charged some new furniture for his bedroom (1,000!), and the latest hand-out from his mother went to buy a ground squirrel and a cage, etc. as a pet.
His father has just given up. The mother has always raised hell whenever structure and discipline were put on the menu when the kid was growing up ("You're mean, I understand him!" was her war cry)....and this is the result: a parasite. My guess, a lifelong one.
Ummm... he is a legal adult. He is not growing up too fast.
Not fast enough.
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