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Good morning!
So we are considering a HUGE move to PA in the next 3 or so years after I retire, which is very exciting for my husband and I. Together we have 4 kids, he has 3, and I have 1. All 4 kids are attending college, 1 is married with a baby on the way, and they are all working and creating their own lives and future.
Problem is, I cannot get the thought of "abandonment" out of my head if we go through with our plans in the next few years. I am not overly concerned with my step-children feeling abandoned, as they will still have their mother here in the same town. I will however, feel like I am abandoning my son, who is currently 22 years old. My husband adopted him when he was 8 years old, so we are the only parents he has. Of course he tells me to go, and it's our time to live the lives we want, but I feel so guilty thinking that we could just up and go. For 8 years of his life, it was just him and I. We see each other weekly, mostly when he comes to pickup mail, or the once in a while lunch date with each other. We see each other as often as we can, but he is still in that "mom, I've got my own life going here" sort of mode. I try not to be over bearing, and let him have his space.
He is a good kid, makes some dumb decisions sometimes, but is working to pay his way in life. I figure in 3 years from now when we are ready to go, he will be 25 and set in his life, hopefully have a nice girl in his life.
Looking for some words of wisdom from parents who have left their adult kids for better retirement, or even from the kids who have been left by parents moving out of state.
Personally, I could not plan to go so far from my kids.
They could choose to go that far from me, and I would be fine with watching them fly the nest, so to speak.
But it just feels unnatural to me for a mom to go that far away herself.
When kids leave to venture out into the world they will come back to "home base" throughout their lives (if you are close to begin with). But when a mom leaves to move across country there is no "home base" in common any more.
Your son is only 22. That's still pretty young. By going so far from him you will likely miss out on many things in his life. In fact, from the time you leave you will only ever after that be a "visitor" in his life.
Just be really sure you can live with that before you make a final decision okay?
When my husband was 26 and his brother was 25, their parents moved out of state to what is now a 10 hour drive.
We are all thrilled for them to be living in an area they want, accomplishing the jobs they worked so hard to achieve. No one for one second felt "abandoned". Husband and I are now expecting our first child. I'm still fine with their choice to move away. This is a very close knit family, but with phone calls and holidays, it's FINE.
My own parents live a 10 hour plane ride away (2 plane transfers, across the country). I see them for 2 weeks a year--once in the summer, once at Thanksgiving or Christmas. They are happy for me because I am following my dreams. I am happy for them because they are where they want to be. Never once have I thought, "Ugh, how selfish that they won't consider moving here to be with their grandchild." Never once have I felt like I abandoned them because I moved away.
You did your job, raised your kids, now enjoy your retirement (or the rest of your career) with your spouse, knowing you raised your kids well.
Personally, I could not plan to go so far from my kids.
They could choose to go that far from me, and I would be fine with watching them fly the nest, so to speak.
But it just feels unnatural to me for a mom to go that far away herself.
When kids leave to venture out into the world they will come back to "home base" throughout their lives (if you are close to begin with). But when a mom leaves to move across country there is no "home base" in common any more.
Your son is only 22. That's still pretty young. By going so far from him you will likely miss out on many things in his life. In fact, from the time you leave you will only ever after that be a "visitor" in his life.
Just be really sure you can live with that before you make a final decision okay?
Sorry I couldn't be more help to you!
This is how I felt. I felt like it was okay for the birds to leave the nest but it was a whole nother matter when the nest up and left the bird. My son is a college grad and currently pursuing his Doctorate, he is successful but ME personally hated him being so far away due to our having moved. It may not be rational but I felt like I abandoned him. He is almost 24 years old. Thankfully his grad school is near where we now live and he has returned to the nest, I cannot describe the sense of contentment that was missing for the 1.5 years he was 2000 miles away. A week in the summer and a week at Christmas just was not doing it for me.
Soooo, Here is an update. Hubby and I have gone rounds and rounds, and the 3 years has turned into a 1 year!! We have some serious 'stuff' occuring here at work, and it's just time to quit while I'm ahead (the 'stuff' has nothing to do with me personally, I am a good person haha. I work for the City, nuff said. Ha)
Anyways, we have jointly decided that PA is going to be too far for us to go, and just too costly for everybody involved to travel. We decided that a 10-12 hour drive would be the furthest that we would move to.
I have read every response, and appreciate them all! Thank you!
We are looking at smaller communities outside of Seattle, which meets our travel requirement.
We have family up there, and I think it 'exciting' enough of a place that the kids would definately visit.
I have asked my son to move with us, but he informed me that he is planning on moving to Portland,Or. sometime in the next 2 years. (even better! Shorter commute from Seattle to Portland than Seattle to Nor Cal)
A lot of you have brought up some very interesting viewpoints, and opinions. I especially enjoyed the Moonstruck video. Made me laugh...
I'm a little puzzled...in my world it is the kids who move away and make a life for themselves, leaving parents to grow old and die in their childhood home.
You can't make plans around your kids and expect them to stick.
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