8 year old daughter lies and lies.... (punishment, baby, spanking, games)
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I have two girls, first one is 8 years old and second one is 4 years old. 8 year old is very jealous and she lies for everything. Even for simple things, she will make up stories.
I told first one to stand up even when she makes a mistake, tell the truth. She is very stubborn and she will cry and make the situation to something else by crying so much.
Many times I caught her red hand but she will refuse to admit it. She will jump up & down saying she did when I can prove to her she didn't.
I spoke to her many times but she doesn't seem to get it. What should I do?
I have two girls, first one is 8 years old and second one is 4 years old. 8 year old is very jealous and she lies for everything. Even for simple things, she will make up stories.
I told first one to stand up even when she makes a mistake, tell the truth. She is very stubborn and she will cry and make the situation to something else by crying so much.
Many times I caught her red hand but she will refuse to admit it. She will jump up & down saying she did when I can prove to her she didn't.
I spoke to her many times but she doesn't seem to get it. What should I do?
My granddaughter nine, does the same, and has been acting that way from an early age. She was an only child until her brother was born two years ago. I have caught her in so many lies. She also cheats at games and makes up the rules as she goes along to insure she wins. I love her dearly, but she is hard to like. She does not have many friends, because she is so bossy.
It has gotten to this point, because my son and DIL always ignored the behavior and never called her out on it or punished her. When she was punished she too screamed they screamed back, that is the pattern in their house.
My advise is to absolutely not let her get away with any more lies. Take away tv or computer time if that is what she likes. Say it once and do not get into a shouting match. Walk away from the screaming. She knows how to push all the buttons. Follow thru and do not give in.
I am just sick to see what my granddaughter has become. I have her stay with me sometimes and she now knows that she cannot behave in that way at grandma's house. I don't shout, I talk to her in a stern voice, and then give her a hug.
Give lots of love and hugs. The child that is the hardest to love is the one that needs it most.
I think you need to stop talking so much and make out some direct consequences. Rule and result of noncompliance given and clear. Immediate result given to noncompliance without fail. Repeat until the lesson learned.
Kids learn really early to tune out parents who are known to not follow thru. They are great at turning off the ears and the brain to nag, nag, nag.
There must be something here beyond telling lies. Maybe look for a professional answer. Try believing everything she says and not getting mad for the things she does and see how long it takes for the behavior to change. The new baby came and she does not feel loved anymore might be the problem. If you believe her and accept her she will realize that you still love her. Just a guess. I am not a professional but know this can follow a child into adulthood. Wish I had known what to do. Don't let it go. Find out.
Regardless of the need to determine and work through the underlying cause for this change in behavior, the issue is that you cannot permit this behavior to continue. At 8, she is old enough to understand this concept: If you lie, the punishment will be severe. If you have done something wrong, then lie about it; there will be a 2-part punishment. First for whatever the child did wrong and the second will be at least double for the lie.
Often, what a child fears - punishment for a minor infraction - can be made as minimal as possible reserving a very strong punishment for the lie. For instance, child lies about being late/taking cookies/not sharing toys. Make the punishment for that a simple verbal reprimand but a strong punishment for the lie: no tv that day. Be clear what is being punished.
Before you implement this new rule, discuss it with your child. Say something like,
I am concerned with your not being truthful and, no matter why, it must stop. Right now. Today. So to help you with learning this new lesson, from right this minute, when you lie, you will receive a very strong consequence just for lying. If you also did something wrong and are lying about that, you will get something like a 15 minute time-out or helping with vacuuming. But for lying, you will have to stay in the house all day or not have TV for the rest of the day, etc.
As said above, there needs to be punishment / consequences for her lying.
With that said, a punishment should make a kid "miserable" or "not happy"! So maybe you are attempting to punish, but the punishment is not effective? (For example some kids do not feel pain, spanking does nothing.)
Figure out what the kid likes and does not like. When the kid does not lie, do the things the kid likes. When the kids lies, do the things the kid does not like. (Make life miserable for the kid for a day.)
The first thing to ask yourself is what is she afraid of. Is she safe to be herself, or is her worth determined by being "good". Is it safe for her to make mistakes? Does she know how to face a mistake honestly and how to make amends?
Beat her up with punishment, and she will get sneakier and smarter, I promise you.
Jude1948: Often children's lies are based in fear, avoidance, defensiveness and insecurity. From what you tell us about your granddaughter's home life, I'd venture that all of these may play a part in her behavior. So - try to determine what it is that is behind her fear and need for control. Is she scared of being harshly punished by her parents? Is she distressed by the screaming that ensues when things don't go well? Has she ever been truthful about something that went wrong, yet been punished because of it? Is she trying to avoid punishment, parental fighting, accusations?
Until you can figure out what's behind her behavior and address it, I don't know that harsh punishment is going to do much good, as she is more likely to do whatever she can, lying included, in an attempt to avoid conflict and punishment. Punishment will just make her more shut-down and more devious, and will put a cap on productive communication.
Yet at her age, she is quite capable of understanding the difference between lying and being truthful.
So, when everything is going well, sit down with her and have a little talk about it, calmly and matter-of-factly. You can offer examples from your own childhood - if it were me, I'd say, "I was so scared that my father would be angry when my best friend accidentally broke our car's taillight that I taped clear red plastic over it! I thought my father wouldn't notice it - but of course he did, but he didn't get mad at us. Have you ever done anything like that?"
Meanwhile, make your relationship with your granddaughter as peaceful and productive as possible. She needs a safe place, where she doesn't feel compelled to resort to lying out of fear of truth's consequences, and she needs a consistently calm, patient, reasonable and loving adult with whom she can talk about anything without fear of being judged or harshly punished, in her life as well. That doesn't mean that she should get away with lying - but it will help her realize that lying is unnecessary when she's with you, and that will help build her trust in people in general.
Also - see if you can have a little talk with her parents about all that "screaming" they're doing. That doesn't sound helpful or productive for anyone. The little two-year-old is probably scared to death when mommy and daddy scream, too...
SamNYC: You mentioned that your daughter will "make up stories" - can you put this trait to productive use? If she starts to tell a whopper in a transparent effort to get out of trouble, instead of calling her on it, have her sit down with pencil and paper and write her version of what happened. Of course, it's likely to be her version of what she WISHED had happened! So, once it's written, read it and compliment her on her imagination - then gently talk about what you think really happened. Tell her you understand why she might wish her version of things had really occurred - it would have been a lot more fun, a lot less trouble, whatever - but unfortunately, that's not what happened, so you both need to think about what should happen next to keep such things from occurring again.
Keep calm, even if she pulls the jumping up and down behavior. Don't get into "You did - I didn't" accusations at this point. Lowering the emotional temperature is key. So if she starts to cry and act out, just tell her, "You are too upset to talk about this now, so you will have to go to your room and lie down for half an hour so you can calm down. After that, when we both are calm, we can talk about what happened and why it happened."
Then follow through. When she emerges, give her a smile, tell her you're glad she's feeling better and have some lemonade ready, along with a quiet spot ready to talk with her where you won't be interrupted until you both make some headway.
Use examples from your own childhood (or you can always say, "I once knew a girl who would...[tell stories about things that never happened because she was scared of being punished, or was afraid no one would like her, or whatever seems apt) to keep the focus on the problem rather than on putting your daughter on the hot seat. She needs to realize that she will profit more by being truthful than by lying to avoid whatever it is she's attempting to avoid (Punishment? Sense of self-blame? Conflict? Guilt?), and for that to occur, things need to remain calm and not escalate into crying and jumping up and down on her part, or into accusations on your part.
My daughter did the same thing at about the same age. It broke my heart because telling the truth was a big deal in my family of origin. My reaction was as much a problem as her behavior.
Luckily, we were living in student housing and I asked a neighbor how to deal with this. She told me not to put my daughter into a position of being able to evade an issue by lying. For example, if I knew my daughter had not taken out the trash, I shouldn't say, "Tina, did you take out the trash?". I should say, "Tina, you didn't take out the trash. Do it now please."
If my daughter told something which I knew to be untrue, I was to just call her on it without getting upset or bringing up the issue of lying. "Now Tina, you know that isn't true" and move on.
These are over simplifications of course, but it worked. She wasn't evil or bad. We had just gotten into a pattern of behavior that needed to be altered.
She also had a little sister.
Good luck.
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