I am back on here, but my son is still gone..... (infant, average)
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Son not responding to text messages, living with dad, run away, rebellious teenager, develop new kind of relationship, visitations, court agreement, limit communication
Here is my original thread from a week ago for those who didn't follow it but may have some advice for me...PLEASE REFER SPECIFICALLY TO MESSAGE #34 for the latest update: https://www.city-data.com/forum/paren...ctful-mom.html
It's been 10 days now since he has been at the dad's house. I have text messaged him ~3 times, all either saying 'ilu' (I love u) or 'please call us soon'...with NO response back from him. This is completely expected. But, very frustrating. He has the stubbornness of way beyond a mule. To put it mildly.
I raised him myself till he was 4 when I met my husband who has had a very good relationship with son. Otherwise, I would've never married him. My son always came first to me. Maybe I put him up on too high of a pedestal and that could be part of the problem? Who knows but anyway.....
For the first time ever (well since we parted when son was 18mo), he lived with the bio dad from October 2006 to August 2007-10 months of agony for me. For a few months prior to this, he was becoming increasingly rebellious towards me mainly. For that whole 10 months, he ignored my msgs, texts, IM's for the most part and would only give me a few word responses to the more important issues that I would email to him....he basically CUT ME OFF from his life that whole time. And had minimal interactions with his 2 little brothers-one of which was just an infant.
He has been back here since August, I picked him up from the dad's for an ortho appt one day and he never went back! I am not kidding. Not him nor the dad ever said to me....'oh he's gonna stay at your house again for awhile...' and I never asked cuz I didn't want him to leave.
Well, he left 10 days ago as you know. Not one word from him. I had his guidance counselor call him down and meet him last week to see how he was. She tells me today she 'can't meet with him more than once a week, too busy...' She is my only link to his welfare. The bio dad is impossible and very poisonous to me and I and him should not communicate. He is not on my side at all, and as a result not supportive at all of my and my son's relationship issue.
I am posting here to ask this opinion:
MY SON IS GOING TO CUT ME OFF AGAIN-WELL ALREADY HAS-BUT I MISS HIM DEARLY, I AM ALSO QUITE ANGRY AT HIM FOR WHAT HE IS DOING TO ME AND HIS FAMILY HERE...HOW HE'S TREATING US ALL....HOW OFTEN SHOULD I CONTACT HIM BY TEXT MESSAGE OR LEAVING HIM VOICE MAILS? HE IS NOT GOING TO RESPOND TO ANY OF THEM I KNOW....BUT I WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT I LOVE AND MISS HIM......I NEED SOME COMMUNICATION ADVICE. I DON'T THINK NOW IS THE TIME TO BEGIN LECTURING HIM ON HOW HE'S SO DISRESPECTFUL TO ME.....ADVICE???
I WANT TO SAY 'YOU NEED TO COME HOME HERE WHERE IT'S STABLE AND CONSISTENT AND YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BEDROOM BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR TO ME AND CONSENT TO THERAPY APPTS'.....BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO COME HOME SO THAT WON'T WORK!!!!!
WHAT TO DO ABOUT TEXTING HIM AND HOW OFTEN TO LET HIM KEEP KNOWING THAT I LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY? BUT WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE I AM BEGGING HIM BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT HE WANTS ME TO BE MISERABLE AND SORRY THAT HE LEFT....HE SAID IT IN SO MANY WORDS...
This may seem weird, but maybe what he needs is no contact from you...and I don't mean this in a mean way at all. Maybe if you just sent him one text message that said someting like "I miss you soo much and will always love you" and then cut off contact with him completely for a while. Doing this might make him realize what he's missing, a loving, caring mother. I think he is simply being defiant. He's 15 years old and wants to rebel against his parents, specifically you, his mother. He needs to know that he is not allowed to "run away" whenever things don't go his way.
Or maybe you need to go to court? Have it in writing that he is required to live/visit with you? I wish you the best
Two, what if you call him and act like nothing is wrong and simply invite him to have dinner with you? Treat it like visitation- if he agrees, just have dinner. Don't address what's happening right now, just visit with him, see how he's doing, let him know you love him and let the conversation take a natural course that he leads.
If things go well, mention that his little brother misses him, would he like to do something on >>>>> night with you and the brother.
Maybe developing a new kind of relationship will allow for healing on both sides. I know the current situation will be an elephant in the room but if he knows you're not going to confront him he may relax and find his way back.
As mom of a 14 year old boy with a history very similar to yours, I feel for you. One moment I'm his best friend, the next I'm his worst enemy.
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goldpolkadots
This may seem weird, but maybe what he needs is no contact from you...and I don't mean this in a mean way at all. Maybe if you just sent him one text message that said someting like "I miss you soo much and will always love you" and then cut off contact with him completely for a while. Doing this might make him realize what he's missing, a loving, caring mother. I think he is simply being defiant. He's 15 years old and wants to rebel against his parents, specifically you, his mother. He needs to know that he is not allowed to "run away" whenever things don't go his way.
Or maybe you need to go to court? Have it in writing that he is required to live/visit with you? I wish you the best
I agree with limiting communication.
Don't show him how miserable you are. It will be hard to do, but he may come around after a while.
I would not text him again, unless its something like this " I love you, no matter what, when youre ready to talk let me know "
Then cut off contact, there is NO reason for you BEGGING him. I know it sounds harsch,,but I believe someday he will come back to you .
He will have learned that his dad is no good and you were the bigger person to let him figure this out himself.
My first husband tried to poisen the kids against me,,,,,, I let him... after a while the Kids told him " WHY are you always making Mom out to be the bad guy? She never badmouthes you!"
I really wanted to be there and see his face
give it time,,,, it will all come together at the end
[WHAT TO DO ABOUT TEXTING HIM AND HOW OFTEN TO LET HIM KEEP KNOWING THAT I LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY? BUT WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE I AM BEGGING HIM BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT HE WANTS ME TO BE MISERABLE AND SORRY THAT HE LEFT....HE SAID IT IN SO MANY WORDS...[/quote]
He probably is sorry he left, but has dug himself into a hole that now he doesn't know how to get out of and keep his pride at the same time.
I agree with the other posters, let him know you love him and will always love him...but that would be the extent.
I think the old saying is..."never let them see you sweat."
It will be extremely hard on you but I would limit it to maybe once a week.
I think it may not be healthy for twowolves to cut off all communication with him- she has expressed that this is hard on her. I still believe that establishing a new kind of relationship may help her to get through this and may help him to grow up and respect his mother.
This may seem weird, but maybe what he needs is no contact from you...and I don't mean this in a mean way at all. Maybe if you just sent him one text message that said someting like "I miss you soo much and will always love you" and then cut off contact with him completely for a while. Doing this might make him realize what he's missing, a loving, caring mother. I think he is simply being defiant. He's 15 years old and wants to rebel against his parents, specifically you, his mother. He needs to know that he is not allowed to "run away" whenever things don't go his way.
Two, what if you call him and act like nothing is wrong and simply invite him to have dinner with you? Treat it like visitation- if he agrees, just have dinner. Don't address what's happening right now, just visit with him, see how he's doing, let him know you love him and let the conversation take a natural course that he leads.
If things go well, mention that his little brother misses him, would he like to do something on >>>>> night with you and the brother.
Maybe developing a new kind of relationship will allow for healing on both sides. I know the current situation will be an elephant in the room but if he knows you're not going to confront him he may relax and find his way back.
As mom of a 14 year old boy with a history very similar to yours, I feel for you. One moment I'm his best friend, the next I'm his worst enemy.
Been there done that last time he left here Oct 06-Aug 07. I virtually would get in AIM or text him or email him and BEG him to come home even for a few hrs....or go to a movie....or out to dinner.....I either got NO reply or turned down completely every time. I think HE LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
I even resorted to letting my then 2.5yr old leave messages on son's cell phone VM.....didn't work.
As for your advice on developing a new kind of relationship with him, ever since he was back here August on till last week...I did that. He had the life any teen would love while back here. As long as he abided by the rules, did h/w, kept up his grades, I was hands-off. But his mouth started getting unruly and more disrespectful.
It got to where he not only had a fit if I even so much as asked him about h/w, grades (which was only average of once a week that I would bring it up), projects etc......if I just brought up something like 'it's a beautiful day today....' he would take that topic and somehow in some twisted way that he is so good at, initiate it into a FIGHT with me! That's just how confrontational he was getting....and only with ME!
I tried in those 2+ months, to establish a new and 'better' relationship with him.....but he prevented it from happening. He sabotaged it, I guess for lack of better words.
And, now he's back at the dad's where he says that 'my dad leaves me alone, he says as long as I do my h/w, keep my grades up and do what I need to do, then he doesn't have to keep track of me....'
This is what my son wants, no authority, no questions, nothing. He obviously gets 'this' at the dad's, and here we 'occasionally' ask about school...OH NO!!! Time to run back to the dad's! I have never heard of such a thing, a teen at 15, becoming defiant and hating his mother because 'Oh My Gosh-she occasionally asks him about school!!!' It's just ridiculous.
I would not text him again, unless its something like this " I love you, no matter what, when youre ready to talk let me know "
Then cut off contact, there is NO reason for you BEGGING him. I know it sounds harsch,,but I believe someday he will come back to you .
He will have learned that his dad is no good and you were the bigger person to let him figure this out himself.
My first husband tried to poisen the kids against me,,,,,, I let him... after a while the Kids told him " WHY are you always making Mom out to be the bad guy? She never badmouthes you!"
I really wanted to be there and see his face
give it time,,,, it will all come together at the end
You're so right. He WANTS me to beg him, I am sure of it. He has so much as almost said that himself. In fact, last week as he was 'packing' his clothes, he said 'You are going to be sorry I left, this day was coming, don't you remember last time I left, how you cried and begged me all the time to come back....?'
I might text him one more time and it would be to possibly use your example above. That's good.
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