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I think, like pretty much everything, it requires a balance. Sure trust them until they breach the trust (and they will all kids test boundries). But you have to check up on them a bit (surreptitiously) in order to catch a breach of the trust (kids are clever). When they breach the trust you give them, come down on them like a ton of bricks. Make sure they understand even a little breach of your trust is a major major issue with major consequences. As long as you are consistent in you limits and enforcement, you will get few breaches of your trust. At least that has been our experience and that of many other parents we know.
So yes, if they slept over at a friends house we would find some reason at times to stop by in the morning or call in the evening. Or if they had a opposite sex friend over - they could (at a certain age) sit in the gameroom together and watch a movies, but we would find reasons to walk through once in a while or send little brother i to ask if they want popcorn or water, or the company of the dog, etc. When I meet a girl form the high school, I frequently ask her weather my son is a gentleman and treats her with respect. And yes, I investigate new friends and their parents a bit (using resources from work, not so as the kid knows). We also make an effort to get to know the parents of all their friends socially at least to some extent.
While she was off running around with her friends I was chatting with another parent in the hospitality center. I have gotten to know this parent a bit and I cannot stand her husband, I think he is mean and controlling. I also find that their rules are IMO just ridiculous but I keep my mouth shut and make lots of excuses when DD is invited to their home since she has no desire to go. Their DD is at our house often.
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She then went on to say several times "our children will live by our rules, we have raised them to do that"
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This woman looked horrified, she said "oh we could never do that, DH would never trust the kids to do the right thing, I need to be there to make sure they do what we have taught them"
Now, is it just me? I find this a very difficult way to parent. How can one not trust their kids at some point? I think it would be horrible to think that badly of my children. I just found the whole conversation bizarre
I might add, we are talking about 14 year olds, not 6 year olds.
There are certainly control freaks in this world, and some parents appear to thrive on the ability to control and bully their own children. There is another thread going on right now (something about "lying and sneaking around" in the title) in which some parents support the "You will do exactly as I say without question, whether it makes sense or not" kind of mindset. I cannot imagine anyone actually wanting to teach their children blind obedience to authority, rather than to develop critical thinking skills, and to engage in respectful dialogue when rules are being set down.
The fact that the parents in OPs story don't trust their children to make good choices seems to say they don't believe their method of parenting is actually working.
There are certainly control freaks in this world, and some parents appear to thrive on the ability to control and bully their own children. There is another thread going on right now (something about "lying and sneaking around" in the title) in which some parents support the "You will do exactly as I say without question, whether it makes sense or not" kind of mindset. I cannot imagine anyone actually wanting to teach their children blind obedience to authority, rather than to develop critical thinking skills, and to engage in respectful dialogue when rules are being set down.
That is true, although it's important to remember that what may be sensible when the child is 6 is not necessarily what will be sensible and helpful much, much later.
I think parent philosophies are the same as skinning a cat. There's always more than one way to do it, and not one way is the right way. Just because you feel their way isn't exactly the way you would parent doesn't mean their way is wrong. I'm of the philosphy of "whatever makes your boat float." If it's not harming my family or myself, have at it. Life's too short.
That is true, although it's important to remember that what may be sensible when the child is 6 is not necessarily what will be sensible and helpful much, much later.
Yes, of course. And the general trend should be to loosen the rules and the control with each passing year, so that when they hit 18, or whenever they move out, they have gained experience making their own decisions, their own mistakes, and are prepared for life as an independent, discerning adult.
Sadly, when they do let this child out of their sight (age 18?20?) and she rebels, instead of seeing the error of their ways, they'll say "see, we knew we couldn't trust her."
Sadly, when they do let this child out of their sight (age 18?20?) and she rebels, instead of seeing the error of their ways, they'll say "see, we knew we couldn't trust her."
Yes, they will never understand or accept her behaviour could be a result of theirs. It's always amazing to me how many parents never take responsibility for their actions or choices. They seem to believe they can do and say whatever they want and there will never be any consequences .
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