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"I am going to be my child's friend, not some tyrant or lordly boss" - Poor kid. Unfortunately not all kids get to have parents.
I think that the phrase I highlighted above is what the OP was trying to express. I don't think parents need to be controlling to be good parents. You can maintain a friendly demeanor with your children and only control what you absolutely have to control in their lives. That is still not being their friend. You still need to be their parent even if your philosophy tends to be less controlling.
I think that the phrase I highlighted above is what the OP was trying to express. I don't think parents need to be controlling to be good parents. You can maintain a friendly demeanor with your children and only control what you absolutely have to control in their lives. That is still not being their friend. You still need to be their parent even if your philosophy tends to be less controlling.
I agree with this. But I think what you were responding to is not so much what the poster thought was good parenting (poster correct me if I am wrong) but a false dichotomy that exists in some people's heads. You see examples of this with people who think the opposite of controlling / "strict" discipline is permissiveness. One is either a pushover friend who wants Jonny to think you are cool or a tyrant. It is often not understood that there is a whole world of possibility that does not live on a mean / bad ------- permissive/ pushover axis.
I adore my children and we've had years of wacky fun, but I'm the mom. That means they can always count on me to have their back, listen to their problems as non-judgementally as possible, and be completely honest with them, even if it means they're going to be mad at me. My oldest is 23, and we are now more like friends, but "Mom" will always be my primary job.
Though I would imagine that this is the same way you treat your friends?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear
I think that the phrase I highlighted above is what the OP was trying to express. I don't think parents need to be controlling to be good parents. You can maintain a friendly demeanor with your children and only control what you absolutely have to control in their lives. That is still not being their friend. You still need to be their parent even if your philosophy tends to be less controlling.
Pretty much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew
I agree with this. But I think what you were responding to is not so much what the poster thought was good parenting (poster correct me if I am wrong) but a false dichotomy that exists in some people's heads. You see examples of this with people who think the opposite of controlling / "strict" discipline is permissiveness. One is either a pushover friend who wants Jonny to think you are cool or a tyrant. It is often not understood that there is a whole world of possibility that does not live on a mean / bad ------- permissive/ pushover axis.
Yes
Being a friend to your child does not render you incapable of disciplining them, it doesn't make you a pushover. There is a balance and it isn't hard to maintain. My children have always been aware of my parental role and that in the end mine and my wifes word is final, what we say goes. Knowing there are limits does not affect your ability to have a friendship with other 'adults' so why would it affect your ability to do the same with your child? Your children are certainly aware that their are limits with regards to their friendships, lines that can be crossed with some and not others, that within theirs and others social circles that there is an hierarchy and that this can fluctuate depending on who's present and what is going on.
Being a friend to my children (who are 22, 19 an 14 as it happens) hasn't had any adverse affects on them and it certainly hasn't had any on me. Maybe (apparently) what i've done, albeit subconciously, wouldn't work for others but there you go.
I believe in being a parent now so that I can be a friend later. Right now my focus should be on raising them to be respectful to others, helpful to others, do well in school, be responsible, learn how to manage things like money, stress, relationships, emotions, physical changes, and spiritual matters. Once they go out on their own using the tools I've instill in them, then I can be their friend.
I think you can still be a parent and have a good relationship with your child, but friendship on equal terms won't happen until they are adults on their own. My former neighbors were excellent examples. They set rules and expectations on their son from toddlerhood, and in the end he abided by their rules and expectations even through high school when temptations to disregard his parents were everywhere. The son is now married with a kid of his own and they are all very close. But the friendship portion of their relationship did not begin until after he graduated college. Until then, while very close, they were still in a parent/child relationship.
Though I would imagine that this is the same way you treat your friends?
Pretty much.
Yes
Being a friend to your child does not render you incapable of disciplining them, it doesn't make you a pushover. There is a balance and it isn't hard to maintain. My children have always been aware of my parental role and that in the end mine and my wifes word is final, what we say goes. Knowing there are limits does not affect your ability to have a friendship with other 'adults' so why would it affect your ability to do the same with your child? Your children are certainly aware that their are limits with regards to their friendships, lines that can be crossed with some and not others, that within theirs and others social circles that there is an hierarchy and that this can fluctuate depending on who's present and what is going on.
Being a friend to my children (who are 22, 19 an 14 as it happens) hasn't had any adverse affects on them and it certainly hasn't had any on me. Maybe (apparently) what i've done, albeit subconciously, wouldn't work for others but there you go.
It seems many of us misunderstood your idea of being a friend to your child. I've seen way too many kids whose parents were more concerned about their kids liking them, than actually raising them. One mom couldn't figure out how we got our kids not to be on their phones all night. Really??? The first time it happened, we started collecting cell phones at bedtime! She said she could NEVER do that because her daughter would be SOOO mad at her.
That's the mentality I think most of us here are opposing.
One mom couldn't figure out how we got our kids not to be on their phones all night. Really??? The first time it happened, we started collecting cell phones at bedtime! She said she could NEVER do that because her daughter would be SOOO mad at her. That's the mentality I think most of us here are opposing.
Opposing that mentality is perfectly reasonable, i'd have to join you on that one.
it seems many of us misunderstood your idea of being a friend to your child. I've seen way too many kids whose parents were more concerned about their kids liking them, than actually raising them. One mom couldn't figure out how we got our kids not to be on their phones all night. Really??? The first time it happened, we started collecting cell phones at bedtime! She said she could never do that because her daughter would be sooo mad at her.
That's the mentality i think most of us here are opposing.
It seems many of us misunderstood your idea of being a friend to your child. I've seen way too many kids whose parents were more concerned about their kids liking them, than actually raising them. One mom couldn't figure out how we got our kids not to be on their phones all night. Really??? The first time it happened, we started collecting cell phones at bedtime! She said she could NEVER do that because her daughter would be SOOO mad at her.
That's the mentality I think most of us here are opposing.
My wife and I used to compete to see who could get the most "I hate yous" on any given day. It did not go over well when a frustrated child would scream "I hate you" and we would cheer, dance around happily and call out to one another "hey I got five today, how many you get? Whooo hoo I am winning today!" Don't know whether that is good parenting, but it sure beats getting angry or crushed about it. Also pretty much guaranteed there were not a lot of I hate yous. Making us happy was not really what they had in mind at the time, although sometimes it was so absurd their anger would turn t o laughing.
The worst of this "friend" situation we see is when a parent desperate to remain their kids friend allows the kid to manipulate them into being opposed to the other parent. Nothing is more damaging. Kids are smart and can learn to be very manipulative. You have to be a team or you have no chance.
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