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Your job as a parent is to help a child deal with the truth. The parent that has abandoned the child has burst the bubble, there is no good reason for the remaining parent to lie to the child or try to pretend it's something other than what it is, you don't put out false hope. What some parents in such a situation might do is tell the child that the dad really loves him and wants to see him but that only teaches a child that love means abandonment, that love is a useless emotion.
You don't come out and say "your dad doesn't want to see you" but don't have to cover up or make up lies that the dad really does want to see him but cannot.
What can happen is later dear ole dad reenters the child's life and wants to manipulate the child against the stable parent by saying things like "your mother kept you from me", "your mother wouldn't allow me to see you", "nothing was my fault, poor little me", trying to put the blame on the abandoned parent.
Deep down kids know that if that other parent is alive, then that parent chooses not to visit or see him. Yes, it might hurt but that's how facing the truth head on is more helpful. You acknowledge the reality and then help the child go on from there. Dad's out there somewhere, Dad's alive, who knows if Dad's ever going to call again or come and visit, he can when he wants to. A three year old might not understand much more than just that, an older child may need to discuss how he or she feels about Dad never coming around anymore, never calling, and then you can admit you don't know why a parent can be that way.
Totally disagree. You don't know what the child can handle at a particular time. No need to make a point of telling the child he has been abandoned. You don't KNOW what is going to happen. Just parent the child, love the child - no need for drama - it will all come out in the wash. YOU just be the BEST parent YOU can be.
Not to mention the child is only THREE years old. How much of the "truth" should a 3yo toddler have to handle? I can see being upfront with an older child, but to burden a baby with the truth, no matter how well intentioned, is probably going to do more harm than good. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't give detailed information either...not until he is older and able to process that information appropriately.
My children's father and I split up last night permanently. My three year old is asking for his daddy. But, the truth of the matter is his dad no longer wants to see them - "they are no longer his responsibility". Keep in mind this is their biological dad that they have known their entire lives and have seen frequently. How I am supposed to respond to my son asking for his dad when I know he is not going to see him again?
I don't have any advice, but I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope your ex comes to his senses and doesn't follow through on his threat to abandon his children.
[quote=AnnaNomus;28172903]Not to mention the child is only THREE years old. How much of the "truth" should a 3yo toddler have to handle? I can see being upfront with an older child, but to burden a baby with the truth, no matter how well intentioned, is probably going to do more harm than good. I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't give detailed information either...not until he is older and able to process that information appropriately.[/quote
I can't believe this advice to "tell him the truth." These people must not have raised children. You don't tell a THREE year old that his daddy has left and doesn't EVER want to see him again - that is just ridiculous!
And then when will it be ok to tell him his dad is an ahole who abandoned him?
I don't know how to say this so you and others will understand - a child of three is too young to hear "your dad has left and is never coming back" or "doesn't want to ever see you again." First of all, who knows how things will play out? Secondly, if that was the truth (and there is no way to know that or assume that at this early stage of the game) you wouldn't bring it to a three year old's attention (or any young age) . . .it's unnecessary cruelty . . .
If you don't understand that, I don't know what to tell you.
Last edited by imcurious; 02-09-2013 at 07:45 PM..
My children's father and I split up last night permanently. My three year old is asking for his daddy. But, the truth of the matter is his dad no longer wants to see them - "they are no longer his responsibility". Keep in mind this is their biological dad that they have known their entire lives and have seen frequently. How I am supposed to respond to my son asking for his dad when I know he is not going to see him again?
Don't say anything to him. Tell him Daddy is on a trip or at work or something. His father will change his mind and just said that to make you angry.
Sorry, but I am just so heartbroken for your children - you and the father must be so young to simply "split up permanently" in a night. Mature people don't do that. They certainly don't even think for a second that the father of their child isn't coming back and then actually accept that.
I hope dad was just blowing off steam at you and has more maturity than that.
I don't know how to say this so you and others will understand - a child of three is too young to hear "your dad has left and is never coming back" or "doesn't want to ever see you again." First of all, who knows how things will play out? Secondly, if that was the truth (and there is no way to know that or assume that at this early stage of the game) you wouldn't bring it to a three year old's attention (or any young age) . . .it's unnecessary cruelty . . .
If you don't understand that, I don't know what to tell you.
I agree it's too soon, but you have failed to tell us what you would say to this kid if the really does leave forever...he will keep asking.
The point is that the guy left the mom...the kids were collateral damage (as they usually are).
Sorry you think telling your kids the truth is cruel...I think fostering false hope is much, much sicker.
I agree it's too soon, but you have failed to tell us what you would say to this kid if the really does leave forever...he will keep asking.
The point is that the guy left the mom...the kids were collateral damage (as they usually are).
Sorry you think telling your kids the truth is cruel...I think fostering false hope is much, much sicker.
How about "I don't know" since she really DOESN'T know? What happens when, after she's given the kids the lowdown on what a jerk their dad is and how he wants nothing to do with them, he comes around? Then SHE looks like the liar and the troublemaker, and they've been hurt unneccesarily. They will figure out on their own, when they're old enough, that their father will not be a part of their life, and at the right time, perhaps she can explain in an age appropriate way why he's not. I can't imagine telling a child of any age "your dad said he doesn't want anything else to do with you." Yes, that might be the truth, but how much harm would it cause a child to be told point blank that their own parent doesn't want them? There are ways of letting him know that his dad won't be around without destroying him with the "truth."
And kids adjust...the little boy will get used to his dad not being around, and it will become the new normal. Kids don't question what is normal to them. When he gets around school age, he may begin to want to know why he doesn't have a dad and that would be the time to sit down and gently explain to him that his dad has issues that prevent him from being the parent that he should. But, she has time before it comes to that, and it may never get to that point.
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