My kids' relationship with their father (teens, divorced, babies, support)
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My kids are 20 and 18. I've been divorced from their father for about 4 years now. Here's the problem I've had with him. Ever since we are not together anymore, he's been trying to build a new life, which I completely understand. The problem is he hasn't included the kids in anything and that's caused them to be pretty disappointed in him. He's had a girlfriend for over a year now. They are serious and live together and he has not been willing to share that part of his life with our kids. He doesn't want to introduce them. My daughter said she checked his facebook page and there's pictures of the girlfriends kids all over it. No pictures of his kids at all. He also told the kids a couple weeks ago that if they wanted a relationship with him, they know his number and know how to reach him. Otherwise, he's not going to reach out to him. In my opinion, being a parent is being there for your kids no matter what. It breaks my heart to see my kids hurt over this and I'm not really sure how to handle it.
What you have to do is let those young adults handle it. You can sympathize, but do not throw their Father under the bus while doing that. There is nothing you can do, you are divorced and his life is no longer your business. I know how you feel, but for the long term good of your family...w/ respect to your children...butt out. Their relationship w/ their father is theirs, the absolute best thing you can do, is listen, support and validate their feelings....but tell them they are old enough to make their own decisions about how to involve themselves in their fathers life. And the "how" of that is between them and their father. I know this from personal experience...Please take my word for what I suggest. Good luck to you. Love those kids!
Last edited by JanND; 01-25-2013 at 12:03 PM..
Reason: edit text
You're absolutely right. I need to let them handle it, but it just breaks my heart that he's this way. I would never throw him under the bus, even though I cannot stand him.
I had to change my phone number and cut off contact with him because he is a very controlling person and he tried his hardest not to let me move on. He would harass me constantly about who I was with and what I was doing, even though he was with someone else. He would also use the kids against me constantly.
Some men are like that, even after they divorce, they can't stand the idea of the exwife having someone new.
But about your kids and their relationship with him, they've got to work that out for themselves. Possibly he will grow up some eventually and realize he can love his kids without ignoring the new girlfriend's kids. Maybe he'll never figure it out and the kids will be better off without him.
All you can do is reassure your kids that it is not *them*, and give them extra love and hugs.
It sucks but that is the reality. I remember my 15 year old son crying himself to sleep because his father wouldn't return his phone calls or emails. He was 10 or 11 and he just kept asking me "Why does my Dad ignore me?"
It was heartbreaking. He is now 15 and he just has much lower expectations of his father, which seems to be the way to go.
My kids are 20 and 18. I've been divorced from their father for about 4 years now. Here's the problem I've had with him. Ever since we are not together anymore, he's been trying to build a new life, which I completely understand. The problem is he hasn't included the kids in anything and that's caused them to be pretty disappointed in him. He's had a girlfriend for over a year now. They are serious and live together and he has not been willing to share that part of his life with our kids. He doesn't want to introduce them. My daughter said she checked his facebook page and there's pictures of the girlfriends kids all over it. No pictures of his kids at all. He also told the kids a couple weeks ago that if they wanted a relationship with him, they know his number and know how to reach him. Otherwise, he's not going to reach out to him. In my opinion, being a parent is being there for your kids no matter what. It breaks my heart to see my kids hurt over this and I'm not really sure how to handle it.
I am a man and I can say this. Some men just don't get it. Your kids are your kids for life. Unless THEY don't want you, you need to be there for them. 20 and 18 year olds are not finished growing up. They still need their dad. They still need to be affirmed and included by him. That's not their job, it's his. It is his job to let them know that they are still his children and that he still loves them although their parents are divorced.
The facebook page is very telling. What we put on facebook is how we want the world to see us. It may not be entirely factual but it's a version of our lives. The version we want.He has in effect, edited his children out of his life! Not putting up pictures of your kids and putting up pictures of his girlfriend's children is very telling. Let me guess, her kids are younger, right?
I don't know that there is really anything you can do that will make him continue to parent your children, take pride in them or love and nurture them.
Even so, I'd call him out on it. Don't let him think it's OK to do that. Older teens and young adults need their parents. He is able to brag about his girlfriend's kids on Facebook, but not his own? Pretty disgusting.
I'd also see a competent therapist with your children. Even if they say no, force the issue. They need to know that what their dad is doing is wrong and that they are lovable human beings. Rejection hurts.
I am a man and I can say this. Some men just don't get it. Your kids are your kids for life. Unless THEY don't want you, you need to be there for them. 20 and 18 year olds are not finished growing up. They still need their dad. They still need to be affirmed and included by him. That's not their job, it's his. It is his job to let them know that they are still his children and that he still loves them although their parents are divorced.
The facebook page is very telling. What we put on facebook is how we want the world to see us. It may not be entirely factual but it's a version of our lives. The version we want.He has in effect, edited his children out of his life! Not putting up pictures of your kids and putting up pictures of his girlfriend's children is very telling. Let me guess, her kids are younger, right?
I don't know that there is really anything you can do that will make him continue to parent your children, take pride in them or love and nurture them.
Even so, I'd call him out on it. Don't let him think it's OK to do that. Older teens and young adults need their parents. He is able to brag about his girlfriend's kids on Facebook, but not his own? Pretty disgusting.
I'd also see a competent therapist with your children. Even if they say no, force the issue. They need to know that what their dad is doing is wrong and that they are lovable human beings. Rejection hurts.
Best of luck.
It is disgusting.
A friend of mine has a daughter, age 13, and her ex has remarried and had two more kids, little ones, with the new wife.
He has pics up on Facebook of himself, new wife, and 2 babies, and none of his older daughter, and when she sent him a "daughter" family/relationship request on FB he refused it!
She also spent weekends (every other) at his place until the new wife was expecting baby number 2, then he told his daughter that she needed to take all her stuff home so they could make her room into the baby's room. After that she slept on the sofa. New wife told her, "I don't like older kids, sorry."
I don't' have anything else to add that is of any use.. I just don't understand how someone can willfully hurt their child like this though. It is heartbreaking at 5 or 10 or 13 or even 20. It's just that the 20 year old will probably hide their heartbreak better. I remember being about 7 or 8 and listening in while my mom was on the phone, begging my father to take me for my scheduled month long summer visit, telling him "I know you have stuff going on but she needs her father!" He was too busy with his multiple girlfriends to have a kid cramping his style in his bachelor pad. Ugh. Even when he did take me he usually sent me home after 2 weeks for "something" I had done (I never had a clue) vs the full month.
I never had much of a relationship with him. Things were very slightly better when I was in my late 20's and he was old enough and getting sick and knew he was gonna die so he started being "nice" out of guilt. Sad that it often ends that way.
A friend of mine has a daughter, age 13, and her ex has remarried and had two more kids, little ones, with the new wife.
He has pics up on Facebook of himself, new wife, and 2 babies, and none of his older daughter, and when she sent him a "daughter" family/relationship request on FB he refused it!
She also spent weekends (every other) at his place until the new wife was expecting baby number 2, then he told his daughter that she needed to take all her stuff home so they could make her room into the baby's room. After that she slept on the sofa. New wife told her, "I don't like older kids, sorry."
I don't' have anything else to add that is of any use.. I just don't understand how someone can willfully hurt their child like this though. It is heartbreaking at 5 or 10 or 13 or even 20. It's just that the 20 year old will probably hide their heartbreak better. I remember being about 7 or 8 and listening in while my mom was on the phone, begging my father to take me for my scheduled month long summer visit, telling him "I know you have stuff going on but she needs her father!" He was too busy with his multiple girlfriends to have a kid cramping his style in his bachelor pad. Ugh. Even when he did take me he usually sent me home after 2 weeks for "something" I had done (I never had a clue) vs the full month.
I never had much of a relationship with him. Things were very slightly better when I was in my late 20's and he was old enough and getting sick and knew he was gonna die so he started being "nice" out of guilt. Sad that it often ends that way.
Was it out of guilt? Or perhaps he needed YOU at that point?
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