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my 22 year old daughter is going to prison for one year for fraud related charges. I told her I can't really feel any sympathy for her because she committed the crime and this is the punishment she was given. I never taught her to participate in illegal activities,And maybe it will be a good learning experience for her and toughen her up. Is this too harsh? Am I a bad person for saying this?
is there anything else I should tell her before she goes?
Neither you or your daughter can undo or take back the crime that she has committed, what's done is done. You are right to feel no sympathy for the consequences of her actions, however, as a parent of an adult child who made a serious mistake you can encourage her to think about her future in terms of making a better one for herself by learning something from this harsh (but necessary) reality.
Yes, there is life after prison so please don't allow this to be the albatross around her neck for the rest of her life. Her prison time is the consequence of her actions and the price she must pay according to a civilized society. While she is serving her sentence it would be worthwhile for her to do the best deeds that she can while incarcerated and be a model prisoner.
I am sure that you are not a bad person but more importantly I hope you have the compassion and parental kindness to tell her how very much you love her and you will be there for her when she needs you...because she does need you very much right now. If a parent doesn't love you...who will?
I wish you both the very best during this difficult time, sincerely.
I will tell you my experience, differnet, but similar, my Mother grew up in a strict, religious home, at age 14, she got pregnant. She had the baby, me, did not want a baby, her parents "forced" her to keep me, as "punishment" for her "sin". They never forgave her, treated her like she was "damaged goods", for the rest of her life.
It was dysfunctional for everyone. Try to move forward, towards a positive relationship with your daughter.
Thank you for sharing that jasper12, it's not often easy to share our personal stories, however, I am sure it gives hope and encouragement to others here who will be able to read your mother's (and yours as well) story.
We are human beings and we make mistakes for the entirety of our lives, sometimes minor, sometimes major, and sometimes horrific. The secret is learning from our mistakes and the mistakes of others so we can live satisfying and perhaps average lives with all the joys that go with it.
Good grief - concern for the fate of an offender is not enabling and does not mean that one is codependent, nor will it make the offender think s/he is not culpable. Actually, the belief that the offender can't accept responsibility for his or her own acts unless others express disdain seems a bit codependent to me.
I failed academically as a young adult and did all sorts of other things that disappointed my family, and I am grateful that they loved me unconditionally through all of it. It has not caused me to blame others for my shortcomings but has instead humbled me and made me hope to be able to show others even half as much grace as was given to me.
I don't think one should be loved unconditionally. Love should be earned. In fact, the idea of unconditional love is inherently evil.
my 22 year old daughter is going to prison for one year for fraud related charges. I told her I can't really feel any sympathy for her because she committed the crime and this is the punishment she was given. I never taught her to participate in illegal activities,And maybe it will be a good learning experience for her and toughen her up. Is this too harsh? Am I a bad person for saying this?
is there anything else I should tell her before she goes?
Tell her just to do her own time and to not get involved in any prison politics. Tell her to not accept any favors or gifts from anyone, no matter how small (i.e. free envelopes to write home, hygiene products, etc....). Tell her that prison is a breeding ground for Hep-C and MRSA and to not get any prison tattoos or share any needles. Tell her that she will be an inmate of the state and surrounded by life-long convicts, but although she is dressed like them, she does not have to be one of them. Tell her that this is her first time down and that she is still young enough to change. Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions or concerns regarding prison life. Good luck and God bless.
if she's only got a one year sentence, she is likely going to JAIL and not PRISON. Also, on a one year jail sentence, a person usually gets "time off for good behavior" and can be out in 8 months or less.
I had seen so many guys in my old neighborhood in Queens go away for these one year sentences and, next thing you know, you see them walking up the block.
no this is her first offense and it was a total shock to us. Honestly, though that actually just makes me more frustrated since she was doing well in life and then decided to participate in illegal activities. Now her entire life might be ruined and education gone to waste. She also now embarrassed herself and her entire family
Well, maybe she wasn't doing as well as you thought. She was probably embarrassed and it does seem you sympathize with that. You do share her embarrassment.
You said participate, was that with others at work? She might have felt some pressure there and being young and starting out maybe she let it get to her. I can't tell by the info but being a first offender with you not being aware of anything in her youth it seems odd she was intending for all this to happen.
Listen, sympathy and enabling or condoning bad behavior are different things with a different meaning. I wouldn't suggest you pretend to sympathize with her if you've never let yourself down, or been a disappointment to yourself or others, made a big mistake, then you can't exactly lie and say you sympathize with her. Tell her you can't sympathize because you've never made a mistake like that. But you do share her embarrassment so go from there. I'm sure she is beside herself with wishing she could turn back the hands of time. If you've never thought that way then you can' t share it but if you have then nows the time.
Just remember, she didn't do this to you, she did it to herself. Your shock and embarrassment is just a side effect. Don't let your friends and relatives get in the way of your mother daughter bond. She is still a part of your family, like it or not. Good and the bad as they say. This to shall pass.
Then all love is evil, because everyone falls short, and no one has truly earned it.
Love is not approval.
Not true at all. All of us are able to earn love from those that are close to us on a daily basis. By behaving rationally, morally, and lovingly.
If and when one stops behaving in that fashion, he is no longer worthy of love, no longer deserves it, and should no longer expect it.
Love is MOST DEFINITELY approval.
The idea that you can be an evil person, but receive "unconditional" love from someone else (a parent, friend, etc.) is ludicrous. If you are evil you should NOT be loved at all. You are not of value. In fact, you are a negative value, and you should be shunned, if not outright hated.
Hate is justified and correct in the appropriate circumstances. And so is love. Both represent a measurement of value, or lack thereof.
Not true at all. All of us are able to earn love from those that are close to us on a daily basis. By behaving rationally, morally, and lovingly.
If and when one stops behaving in that fashion, he is no longer worthy of love, no longer deserves it, and should no longer expect it.
Love is MOST DEFINITELY approval.
The idea that you can be an evil person, but receive "unconditional" love from someone else (a parent, friend, etc.) is ludicrous. If you are evil you should NOT be loved at all. You are not of value. In fact, you are a negative value, and you should be shunned, if not outright hated.
Hate is justified and correct in the appropriate circumstances. And so is love. Both represent a measurement of value, or lack thereof.
Evil?? Is this a God thing?
Some people in your family might have problems, real problems. They might not be defying you at all. I've seen many kids with Turrets and ADHD get beat because their parents viewed it as not behaving rationally.
My son has Turrets and I'm sure glad I investigated his odd behavior and didn't see it as defying me.
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Excellent perspective and advice
