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You had my sympathetic ear until I started reading personal criticisms, where you say that she is mopey, depressed and that your husband feels she should help more. After reading that, it seems the woman just isn't who you wish she'd be. She never will.
Take control of the situation. Either allow her to visit for more than 3 days (maybe it's an excuse and she has no intention of visiting anyway) or hop in the car and go to visit her yourself. (I know grabbing a hotel room isn't the easiest option, but where there's a will, there's a way.)
I wanted my kids to get to know their great-grandparents, so I drove them from Phoenix to San Jose (sans hubby). My youngest was 8 months old at the time (and my other kids were 6yrs old and under). It sure wasn't easy dealing with strollers and walkers. But their great-grandpa has since passed on and we have tons of photos, great memories.
If you decide you don't want to visit, then don't. After that, it's time to just put it out of your mind.
I'll leave the details of your mother's and husband's responses to other posters and instead focus on the bottom line: give it your best go and 1) actually set up a time for her to visit - that is good for her - with specific details, making it ridiculously easy for her to come, (and cover expenses), and plan activities she knows about in advance... essentially making it impossible for her to say no, and 2) visit HER once with the kids even if it's difficult.
Once you do both and evaluate the outcomes, I would use that opportunity to guide your expectation of how involved she wants to be with your family and her grandkids.
One thing I've learned about parents (grandparents), especially as an adult child, is you cannot make them into someone they are not, you cannot will them to be different; you must accept them as they are and determine what role they will play in your family and move on.
I can understand and empathisize with you have I have mother in law and father in law that are the same way. Excuse!!!!Excuse!!!! Excuse and I have let it go the people that are missing out are the grandparents not the children. I do not send pictures I did in the beginning and never a thank you. I would say if you want to send her and invitation but if your expectation is going to be hurt if she does not respond or come then don't send the invitation.
Let you husband know it hurts your feelings that your mother does not want to be involved and you and him have to let it go. This could hurt your relationship and if he cares about you then he needs to stop.
I have let my husband know just because his parents are not active in our kids lives, we will be when the time comes for us to be in our grandchildrens' life.
PS it has been 2yrs since I send pictures and just now mother in law is wanting pictures of kids. I am still debating it out if to send or just tell her she needs to come and see them! Yes, I am spiteful but I always sing the song Cats in the Cradle. Life is to short to have to work to have someone you love be apart of your life if they do not want to be.
I can understand and empathisize with you have I have mother in law and father in law that are the same way. Excuse!!!!Excuse!!!! Excuse and I have let it go the people that are missing out are the grandparents not the children. I do not send pictures I did in the beginning and never a thank you. I would say if you want to send her and invitation but if your expectation is going to be hurt if she does not respond or come then don't send the invitation.
Let you husband know it hurts your feelings that your mother does not want to be involved and you and him have to let it go. This could hurt your relationship and if he cares about you then he needs to stop.
I have let my husband know just because his parents are not active in our kids lives, we will be when the time comes for us to be in our grandchildrens' life.
PS it has been 2yrs since I send pictures and just now mother in law is wanting pictures of kids. I am still debating it out if to send or just tell her she needs to come and see them! Yes, I am spiteful but I always sing the song Cats in the Cradle. Life is to short to have to work to have someone you love be apart of your life if they do not want to be.
Just tell her to come visit and to bring her camera
Thank you for the comment, however, been there and done that even offered to pay for tickets for new husband and her to come, gave phone card to call-instead of husband calling-she never wants to talk to children only him.
Sometimes, people are raised with the option of making excuses all the time and they never know the only boundries they place on themselves are themselves.
I used to take the children there every summer even without husband the last time I did both parents whom are divorced mentioned they would rather see their son than their grandchildren that was 2 years ago. My husband will mention to them that he is busy with work and cannot take time off every year to come see them but we will pay for airplane tickets for them to come and stay with us. We are 18 hour car ride trip away but 7 hours by air. They are both retired with significant others and mostly they say it is to hot where we are in the summer to come or in the winter it is to cold where they are to come. Tried the Skype thing and one parent says they do not want a computer even if we pay for it, the other says they would rather see my husband in person and it is just not the same. I was just there and less than an hour away and they never came to see their grandchildren after numerous calls and even saying I would bring the children to them.
Enough with my problems I can understand where the author comes from and I say go on with your life do not let it bother her spend her time with the children and enjoy it because she will never have that chance again with her children.
Thank you for the comment, however, been there and done that even offered to pay for tickets for new husband and her to come, gave phone card to call-instead of husband calling-she never wants to talk to children only him.
Sometimes, people are raised with the option of making excuses all the time and they never know the only boundries they place on themselves are themselves.
I used to take the children there every summer even without husband the last time I did both parents whom are divorced mentioned they would rather see their son than their grandchildren that was 2 years ago. My husband will mention to them that he is busy with work and cannot take time off every year to come see them but we will pay for airplane tickets for them to come and stay with us. We are 18 hour car ride trip away but 7 hours by air. They are both retired with significant others and mostly they say it is to hot where we are in the summer to come or in the winter it is to cold where they are to come. Tried the Skype thing and one parent says they do not want a computer even if we pay for it, the other says they would rather see my husband in person and it is just not the same. I was just there and less than an hour away and they never came to see their grandchildren after numerous calls and even saying I would bring the children to them.
Enough with my problems I can understand where the author comes from and I say go on with your life do not let it bother her spend her time with the children and enjoy it because she will never have that chance again with her children.
And I agree with you.
I have a three year old grandson. He is in Geneva, Switzerland (son is working there) and we are in Arizona. But we try to visit in Switzerland twice a year for at least a week at a time and they came for two weeks vacation this year (which did wonders for grandson's English - he speaks a lot of French in Geneva).
So I guess what I am saying is that where there is a will there is a way ...... but if there is no real desire on their part then there is no point trying to force it.
Some people just don't want to be involved/hands on grandparents. I have a set. Yes, it is sad and disappointing. You grow up with ideas and expectations of cookies and holidays but it doesn't always work out like that.
The road goes both ways and if she does not want to leave her home and come and visit then so be it. My Mother is the same way, we live 5 hours drive from each other and she is always busy with what she does in her life since she is 71 years old has been retired for years and enjoys the volunteer work she does and spending time with her church hens so be it. I am not physically able to travel long distances by myself any longer because of health issues so we did the next best thing. We bought my Mother and iPad and she can now "FaceTime" with myself or my husband any time she wants to. She is in her home and I am in mine 5 hours away and we have wonderful visits via the iPad.
Thank you for all of your replies. Yes, I have offered to buy her a plane ticket. When she visited 3 years ago I bought her a train ticket to visit. She is a very unhappy person and lonely. Three years ago when we moved 5 hours away (we were originally 15 hours away) she came 3 times, and it was so nice to see her and visit and let the kids get to know her. Two years ago on her last visit, she came for Christmas and was depressed and sad. Her boyfriend and her broke up and she said to the kids (who were only 2 and 4) that she wouldn't see them for a very long time. I asked her what she meant, and she didn't answer me. It was omnious. Her boyfriend would sometimes drive here here and visit with her, and as much as I didn't want to allow someone I barely knew into my home, I did it for the greater good trusting my mom and knowing the bigger picture (time with me and the grandkids) was the priority. Since she no longer has him in her life, she chooses not to travel, even when I say I will pay, and is sad and depressed. I think that bright happy loving non judgemental young children should be a source of happiness for her, and that it would be a gift and fun for her to spend time with them and get her mind off of her sadness. But it is not the case. She has now chosen to talk to my dad (parents have been divorced for 15 years) every day and in fact went to visit him by plane last winter. I resent that. My parents put me through a bitter divorce always putting me in the middle and now they want to play games and talk and relive their old melodramas, yet not visit their daughter and grandkids. It confuses me. Two years have passed, and she has not seen her grandkids or me and my husband. Yet she visited her sister and mom, and took a second trip to stay with her exhusband (my dad) whom she has said the most nasty and hurtful things about to me for the last 15 years. Go figure. Reconciliation, they both say no, yet it seems as though they are dropping me and my family to work on their old relationship. For the past 12 years my husband and I have hosted my mom for holidays, countless visits for weeks on end, she stayed with us for 2 months one time. She has never had us or hosted us since Ive been married. Never. Tells us not to visit her and she has never hosted us for a holiday. When we have her to our holidays she pouts, throws food and screams at me telling me I dont do this or that right (yes in front of my kids). She goes to her room and sleeps, refusing to go anywhere and do anything and then threatens to leave early. I just dont understand any of this behavior when she visits, so that is why I have asked her to only come 3-4 days at a time. She sends my home into a tail spin. We try our best to do fun things for her, I cook all the meals and she doesnt do any house work or watch my kids, she sits and watches tv. We take her out for dinner, to a soccer game for our children, etc. she sits there silent. She saves her "happy" self for my brother (who is unmarried) and chooses to be a mom to him. I am happy to get in the car and visit her, she says "what would I do with you here? you can't stay here. dont bother it is too far for you." When I tell my dad my prediciment he says he doesn't want to get involved yet he can have her visit and talk with her every day. Is this strange or am I just being selfish. I send cards, birthday gifts, flowers on mothers day, ask her to get together for mothers day to take her out to eat or go to public gardens, asked her to do a day with me and get lunch and a pedicure. None of it interests her. She acts disinterested. When she last came to visit and was screaming at me about nonsense, I thought why have her visit ever again. Now it has been so long I think, I can do it, I can tolerate it for the kids. It seems like she punishes me for her failed marriage. Now it is my turn in life to have a family and she resents it and is jealous of it. I work hard for what I have in my marriage, with my adhd son, my daughter and job, saving and praying going to church, community volunteer, I really try so hard to be a good daughter, thinking of everyone all the time, I think I go above and beyond, holidays, brithdays etc. but it seems to be never enough. And she is doing nothing. Retired, wealthy and she has no responsibilities except dental work and gastric upset. She is not chronically ill or having cancer or assisted living, she is a 63 year old healthy woman. I dont ask for babysitting, I have one I pay, I just think it is unfair that she is in our childs life one year and then when the going gets tough ( break up 2 years ago with boyfriend - please!) she drops off the face of the earth for 2 years. Should I expect nothing at this point? or keep asking her?
It sounds like you really don't need her. She's not adding anything to your life except stress. Send her a card at Mother's day, her birthday and the holidays, and don't think about her the rest of the time. Be glad you have your own family now and don't need to depend on her for emotional support, or anything else. Who knows what her problem really is, but really, who needs the stress?
Your kids will adapt easier to not having her around at all than the cycle of her spending lots of time with them and then ignoring them for several years. My FIL was like that with my kids, we quit spending time with him and it was no big loss at all to my kids. He died a couple of months ago and again, no big loss to our kids or to us. Some people are just toxic.
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