What do your children 'owe' you? (legal, weight, daughter, insurance)
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The short version (which I've posted about before):
I'm the primary caretaker for my mother, who suffers from a cluster of autoimmune disorders. Some of the symptoms include memory loss and emotional outbursts. She's actually pretty 'stable' right now, but a month from now it could be like living with a different person.
I've been a caretaker for her since I was 13 and she was involved in an industrial accident. I have five siblings, but they aren't interested in helping (and have directly told me things like "she's your job" and "thank God you're there so we don't have to be")
I live with her, manage her doctor's appointments, revolve my work schedule around her, have turned down careers because she doesn't want to move, etc. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my mother. She was a fantastic mother growing up. But for about a year I've been struggling with where my responsibility to her and my responsibility to myself begin and end.
But I'm not really posting about my particular situation. In the old days, people had kids directly so they would support them. Now it seems like parents don't expect this- expect I wonder how many would really be happy if their kids traveled far away and left them in a nursing home.
I don't think my mom thinks I 'owe' her anything in the sense of it being a strict obligation. But she definitely doesn't want to be in a home and refuses any kind of in-home help.
I think this is a very interesting question. Obviously, you are a responsible person - many people would turn their backs and then what would your mom do?
I think it is selfish to expect someone to take care of you at the expense of them giving up their own life.
I believe in karma and I don't think anyone has a "right" to expect another person to SACRIFICE their life just so they can take a few more breaths or watch some more TV.
What would your mom do if you said, "Love you, mom, but now it is time for me to live my life. I will find you a nice place to live and will visit often, but I can't be your slave anymore." Is that even possible?
I just don't get the entitlement attitude, especially if you know the person taking care of you doesn't really want to do it.
If it is a family system that is set up to support EVERYONE, then that is different - if there are different people to help do different things and no one person is taken advantage of, then it is great if grandma is in the spare bedroom or whatever .. . but where is it written that a responsible female child MUST take care of the aging parents at the expense of their own health and well-being? Why does one life become more valuable than another?
I'm curious what parents feel their children's responsibility is toward them? Do you feel your children are obligated to take care of you when you get older or if you become disabled? If so, does that include paying for a retirement home or moving you into their home? How much contact in general do you feel is reasonable- a weekly phone call? Frequent visits home? As you age, do you feel your children should stay close or are you okay with it if they move across country?
my kids owe us nothing. if we raised them well, they should feel both a moral imperative and friendly compassion. If they want nothing to do with us it will be because we created such a response.
If we become disabled, I will insist they live their lives, something hard enough as it is.
If we held up our end of the bargain, there will be no need for a retirement home, though perhaps a room in one of their homes will be nice. I hope I can be of use to them.
I hope to speak with them often though I know at times there may be more time between calls. But the calls should be from both directions and out of love and interest and not obligation.
Same goes with visits. I will do my best to keep a bed ready for them.
I want my kids wherever their careers develop. Period.
My children don't owe me in particular anything but family owes it to family to take care of family. I hope not to NEED my children's help but if I do, I would expect them not to throw me out into the street if I did. While I don't expect to live with my kids, I'd accept such an offer simply because I'd love the company, want to feel I'm contributing and it saves that much more of my small estate for them to inherit.
The short version (which I've posted about before):
I'm the primary caretaker for my mother, who suffers from a cluster of autoimmune disorders. Some of the symptoms include memory loss and emotional outbursts. She's actually pretty 'stable' right now, but a month from now it could be like living with a different person.
I've been a caretaker for her since I was 13 and she was involved in an industrial accident. I have five siblings, but they aren't interested in helping (and have directly told me things like "she's your job" and "thank God you're there so we don't have to be")
I live with her, manage her doctor's appointments, revolve my work schedule around her, have turned down careers because she doesn't want to move, etc. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my mother. She was a fantastic mother growing up. But for about a year I've been struggling with where my responsibility to her and my responsibility to myself begin and end.
But I'm not really posting about my particular situation. In the old days, people had kids directly so they would support them. Now it seems like parents don't expect this- expect I wonder how many would really be happy if their kids traveled far away and left them in a nursing home.
I don't think my mom thinks I 'owe' her anything in the sense of it being a strict obligation. But she definitely doesn't want to be in a home and refuses any kind of in-home help.
You have done more than your share. It's time to send mom to live with one of your siblings. They are just as responsible for her as you are.
I don't think my children "owe" me, per se . . . but it is nice IF they care and act kind . . .I would not expect them to support me or take care of me, but I would expect them to "assist" me in finding care if need be and providing some kind of emotional support.
I think kids "owe" their parents respect.
In Asia there are filial laws . . .it is more about "we" than I, and I guess in the U.S. in some ethnic communities, that is also true.
But for Americans who have assimilated, it is "every MAN for himself." Conquering the Wild West was all about leaving the family behind . . .coming to America even before that was the start of the nuclear family . . .then moving "out West" and letting grandma croak in the covered wagon and dumping her body in a ditch was the next step . . .
If you really think that's how Americans are, why would you and so many others have come here?
American parents tend to not have children so they have free servants one day, we respect independence, both in our children and in ourselves.
I didn't raise children with the intention of getting free nursing care some day out of them. They need to have their own careers and families.
If you really think that's how Americans are, why would you and so many others have come here?
American parents tend to not have children so they have free servants one day, we respect independence, both in our children and in ourselves.
I didn't raise children with the intention of getting free nursing care some day out of them. They need to have their own careers and families.
I agree with Malamute - I have no desire to live in the Asian Culture - if I did - I would move there. No thanks to multiple families and generations under one roof. And I'm not going to feel guilty for that statement - after the 'letting Grandma croak in the covered wagon' sentiment supplied.
Back on point - I have no intention of allowing my son to care for me. Yes, I hope he includes me in his life for visits and phone calls. I hope that he finds me a great AL or nursing home IF that time ever comes. I would have no desire to have a room in his house, unless I was destitute.
I do not have the sense of entitlement that I'm going to live forever and my kid better take care of me. I've been taking care of my father, keeping him entertained, and generally giving him a life for far too many years. I will NOT do that to my son.
I'm curious what parents feel their children's responsibility is toward them? Do you feel your children are obligated to take care of you when you get older or if you become disabled? If so, does that include paying for a retirement home or moving you into their home? How much contact in general do you feel is reasonable- a weekly phone call? Frequent visits home? As you age, do you feel your children should stay close or are you okay with it if they move across country?
In all honesty I would hope my child would feel some sense of loyalty and responsibilty to us when we are older. Rather than expect her to move cross country and disturb her life, I or we would be more likely to move closer to her. If it was important to me that we speak once a week, I would have no problem asking for that. I hope that she has a sense of obligation to her family, without it interfering with having a life of her own. If I treat her badly from here on out, then I should not expect kindness down the road. Parents have to earn respect, just like everyone else.
I'm curious what parents feel their children's responsibility is toward them? Do you feel your children are obligated to take care of you when you get older or if you become disabled?
No.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat
If so, does that include paying for a retirement home or moving you into their home?
Heavens no.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat
How much contact in general do you feel is reasonable- a weekly phone call? Frequent visits home?
Whatever they choose is fine... there is no minimum or maximum.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ParallelJJCat
As you age, do you feel your children should stay close or are you okay with it if they move across country?
I have one 50 miles away and another 2600 miles away. They have to go where they can forge their own life, with their own friends, with their own hopes and dreams.
You have done more than your share. It's time to send mom to live with one of your siblings. They are just as responsible for her as you are.
I agree. If the other siblings think they can just foist off the parent on one sibling, they need to be made to understand that isn't going to continue.
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