child stealing from me? (custody, milk, toddler, daughter)
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Depression, PCOS and overweightness? Are there other things that I have missed?
In any event, I still think the only one who can change her is her.
I agree, but until she can I can't let her recovery avenues disappear.
I was arrested when I was 19 (bar fight). My parents locked the door and kicked me out (for a few weeks). It was a real eye-opener and changed me for the better. But I was mentally and physically healthy. So believe me I have thought about it. But here illnesses make that difficult.
Thank you. I acknowledge I am not free of fault. But after a long time you try anytyhing and when you get to this point it is grasping at straws. I am not proud of the fights, but I was going after the large negative reinforcements. Well, that didn't work and likely made things worse.
She turned worse in a big way in September. I couldn't stand her BF and tried to get her to see he was a piece of garbage. Well, he mistreated and harassed her causing her to drop out of college, and then started hitting her until finally he nearly killed her. He is up on a Class C felony. It was pretty bad. She says it was realizing the world sucks, but I think I had something to do with it.
I'm sorry - I didn't mean my post to cast blame, nor to say you can't see your own role in things. I think it can be hard as parents (well, as anyone, but especially as parents) to always do what needs to be done (objectively) 100% of the time, particularly when there are strong emotions involved. It's not like we parent in a vacuum - I'm sure you know that each person in the relationship "shapes" the other person's behavior to a degree. Sometimes it takes an outsider to see what can be tweaked a little or help give some new tools to change up the dynamic. I definitely understand the grasping at straws - if you didn't really love her and want what is best for her, you wouldn't be trying so hard. I really hope the family therapist can help you come up with a workable plan. Sometimes we don't need to try harder, we just need to try different, y'know? It sounds like she has been through a lot, and you, as well. ETA: I agree with somebodynew about thinking about seeing someone for you, as well, if for no reason than just to help you cope with everything going on right now.
I am looking into housing so she can get out of my house. But that is difficult because she hates everyone in the Central Time Zone and wants to be back East, but I am an only child and her SIL and cousins want no part of her.
I wonder why? </sarcasm>
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Plus, I don't think she can afford SH by herself and my option is to pay for hers and have nothing left for me when I need it (diabetes will be expensive as I age). I really would like an easy solution every once in a while.
We do have an extended family about 90 minutes from us, that me and DD like; but my mother hates them and whenever me and DD go there is hell to pay as my mother gets even. So we don't go often. We are still waiting to exchange Christmas gifts.
Your daughter is in massive crisis, and you are also enabling your mother's bad behavior. I really, really re-suggest that YOU get into a counselor
I think some people are being too harsh. SD, I completely agree that YOU should go to counseling for your own stress. I would not be able to toss a mentally ill child to the curb either. I would, however, make it clear that I could no longer pay for therapy she isn't interested in attending.
A roof over her head, food in her stomach, and nothing else. If she wants to get back on her meds, and wants to continue therapy, let her present her case.
You are having a really rough time between your mother and your daughter. You need to take care of yourself. Oh, and tell Mom to butt out and let you handle your daughter to the best of your ability.
Sad Dad, I want you to look up Borderline Personality Disorder on google and see if she fits the criteria. I think you are attributing her behavior to depression and PCOS, but it sounds like she may have a personality disorder. You need to know what you are dealing with. For the most part a Personality Disorder isn't treated with meds. Good cognitive behavioral therapy can help with the acting out behavior. If you just focus on the depression you may be seeking the wrong treatment.
I'm sorry - I didn't mean my post to cast blame, nor to say you can't see your own role in things. I think it can be hard as parents (well, as anyone, but especially as parents) to always do what needs to be done (objectively) 100% of the time, particularly when there are strong emotions involved. It's not like we parent in a vacuum - I'm sure you know that each person in the relationship "shapes" the other person's behavior to a degree. Sometimes it takes an outsider to see what can be tweaked a little or help give some new tools to change up the dynamic. I definitely understand the grasping at straws - if you didn't really love her and want what is best for her, you wouldn't be trying so hard. I really hope the family therapist can help you come up with a workable plan. Sometimes we don't need to try harder, we just need to try different, y'know? It sounds like she has been through a lot, and you, as well. ETA: I agree with somebodynew about thinking about seeing someone for you, as well, if for no reason than just to help you cope with everything going on right now.
it has been a rough few days. I wasn't taking anything as casting blame, but I do have blame and I acknowledge that. There is a lot, and I mean a lot, of background.
I have been somewhat of a helicopter parent, but then I almost lost her twice (prior to the divorce when DD was 3 her mother had twice left her with strangers at rest stops when she was an infant). And, needless to say, her mother has some serious issues. Some of DD's issues stem from that. Visitation was very limited (3 weeks total a year and no other overnights). But a lot went on that I was unaware of. For instance her mother's friend commited suicide when DD (then age 10) was there and mom told her to lie to me about it. DD was close to this friend as she often watched DD when mom would check herself in to the hospital (again I was unaware of any of this). Mom left DD at her apartment alone to go to the funeral, then said the friend would have called her but mom told her no calls that night because she wanted some time with DD, so DD internalized it. I am not blind to the causes. My mother has a lot to do with this as did my 2nd (x) wife.
My parents moved in with us about 6 years ago when my father took ill. Not to sound harsh but he was the good one that we both adored. A very good man who put up with more than anyone should have to. We enjoyed our time with him. After he passed there was nobody to constrain my mother's behavior. And it gbets worse. Perhaps it is because my dad didn't let things "get out". That pluse a grown child (me) and a teen grandaughter (who already has issues) coming to grips with the disruptive behavior of the grandparent.
I am seeing someone individually. It helps, but I have not gone in a while. If nothing else the venting helps, like here. Plus there are some good suggestions. Thank you, and everyone else. I feel your posts are very good and wise. And I thank you for your time.
I know how all this sounds. I am not making any of this up. There are probably way too many moving pieces to deal with here, but there have been some really good suggestions. I'm out of good, and even bad, ideas. Mental illness is not something to be played with. I don't want to make anything worse so I do float them past my therapist first.
Tell me about it. And it's not like I can blame them.
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Originally Posted by somebodynew
Your daughter is in massive crisis, and you are also enabling your mother's bad behavior. I really, really re-suggest that YOU get into a counselor
My mother needs to be out of the house. There just aren't too many options. She will not go anywhere here (an absolute blessing if you ask me) so she needs to go back East. But there are problems with that too. My Aunt (mom's SIL and one of the few people I can trust on my mom's side) had mentioned it and has since been cut off from communication.
I have seen a psychologist off and on when there was a crisis; which helped me. I now feel I need to get into something more regular so I can start to get a grip on all of this to enable the changes needed, and have unbiased support. I do not want to kick my DD out, I want support to help her. My mother, however, is a different story.
I think some people are being too harsh. SD, I completely agree that YOU should go to counseling for your own stress. I would not be able to toss a mentally ill child to the curb either. I would, however, make it clear that I could no longer pay for therapy she isn't interested in attending.
A roof over her head, food in her stomach, and nothing else. If she wants to get back on her meds, and wants to continue therapy, let her present her case.
Thanks
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Originally Posted by Mattie
You are having a really rough time between your mother and your daughter. You need to take care of yourself. Oh, and tell Mom to butt out and let you handle your daughter to the best of your ability.
If a person ignores you then anything you say is useless. I mean I can't even get her to put food away (not something new, has happened all my life). She leaves cooked food on the counter for 8 hours then puts in in the fridge. Given I hafve a compromised immune system (I am diabetic - types 1 and 2) I get sick. I don't eat leftovers at my house.
Sad Dad, I want you to look up Borderline Personality Disorder on google and see if she fits the criteria. I think you are attributing her behavior to depression and PCOS, but it sounds like she may have a personality disorder. You need to know what you are dealing with. For the most part a Personality Disorder isn't treated with meds. Good cognitive behavioral therapy can help with the acting out behavior. If you just focus on the depression you may be seeking the wrong treatment.
I considered that a while back but I don't think it is her. The physical symptoms of the PCOS have generated some very low self esteem, but she is not unstable where the relationships are with functional people. She has known her best friend here for 5 years and has a friend she keeps in contact with where we used to live. She did have a boyfriend for 1.5 years until they had different life paths (she wanted to get a PhD and he was nowhere wanting to go to school, he was a real nice kid). After him she dated the boy who beat her.
There were problems prior to this boy with lies, but a lot of that I think is attributable to her mother (and her family) lying to me and getting her to lie to me and lying to each other, my 2nd wife and her kids pretty much did the same, as did (and does) my mother. But it has gotten much worse since she started seeing this BF. It took me a while, but I saw he was real trouble. I tried to point it out which led to the "it's my life" rebuttals whcih escalated as his behavior became more and more detrimental to her schooling and family relationships (it was pretty bad), and then the abuse.
She has acknowledged the lying and the source. She tells me that it is second nature and she tries not to. There has been some improvement. But it is still bad.
She is also far from impulsive. Her self image is usually negative, but a lot of that I think is from the physical symptoms of the PCOS (weight, hair, ...). There are some things that fit BPD, but musch is rather vague so I can't really tell. She really doesn't have that black and white thinking that I thought was the core of BPD. She is also rather generous and caring. I think she picks poor friends because she doesn't want to be alone and then realizes they were a bad choice. But she does leave them when they turn bad. She did have a group of friends that started petty crimes and drinking in HS and she leftt he group. I verified that from another source. So there is something good there that can be built upon, I am just too frustrated to see a solution at this time - which isn't a good thing. I am not internalizing this, just trying to be honest with myself. I did have a part in this in that I didn't handle it the best way. I am trying to do that now.
I will follow up on BPD somehow, perhaps in Family Therapy. But I do think there are a few things at work, the PCOS, low self-esteem, depression, and the abusive relationship with the X-BF. I'm hoping you're wrong and I will check further. Thank you.
Last edited by SadDad; 04-04-2012 at 02:57 PM..
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