Friends of All Ages (teenagers, support, parents, boys)

[Kipcc]

Hi I'm not sure if this is the best place to put this thread, but I'm interested in the parents' perspective...

What do you think of having friends of all ages? I mean a 14 yr old friends with a 50 yr old, a 16 yr old friends with a 31 yr old, etc. Would you ever have a friend way older or way younger than you? And do you think it's appropriate?

(And by friend I mean a real friend; not JUST someone you'd be there to give advice to, but also someone you'd go to the movies with, go out to lunch with, etc).

I'll post what I think a bit later. I'm interested in what you all have to say first.

[pirate girl]

As the mother of a 14 year old I would be rather uncomfortable if my son suddenly befriended somebody who is older. If it were a family friend who had always been in the picture I might feel differently if they shared a certain bond and if trust had been established. If it were a coach or a teacher- someone who had any business being in my son's life I would probably be ok with a friendship- to an extent- but not a constant thing.

But overall, I would be suspicious of the elder person- why in the world would they be looking for a "friend" in a 14 year old? It's sad that the world has made us all cynical- but I'd have to wonder- and I likely would not condone the "friendship."

[christina0001]

Sounds like a great way to end up on Dateline: Predator.

A friendship implies that the people involved can both relate to one another, and give and take between one another in an emotionally satisfying way. That's pretty unlikely when there is a huge age gap. Also the younger party, especially if under the age of 18, may not be mature enough to be exposed to some of the adult issues that a much older person would experience.

[mommabear2]

I've always had friends of all ages - right now, my friends range from 15 - 65. When I was 16, I had an 80 year old friend named Wuanita who I used to visit after work. I'd bring her pizza and such and visit her as often as I could until she died - she was sweet and needed the company (her son was a POS). And even when I was really young... 8 or so, I used to visit my elderly neighbors. Granted, most of my elderly friends were women. Maybe I was just a weird kid for liking old people.

[lastra]

I am 20 now, and when I was 14, I used to be friends ( go to the movies etc. ) with 20 year olds - up to 26 year old (s ). When I was 17 I had one of the best friends who was 31. In the beginning ( when I was 14 ) my parents were really not comfortable with this situation and they would forbid me to go out sometimes, but as I grew older, they saw that my older friends had positive influence on me. Don't get me wrong, I still had friends that were my age, but on the other hand, I had a lot of older friends and I've learned SO MUCH from them. That's why I think that people used to tell me that I was much more mature than 17 year old should be ( I was 17 then ). I even had a friend who is 50!!!And till this day, I am friends with all of them, and if I can live my life again, I would still chose them as my friends.

[christina0001]

I should add, when I was in high school, I was friends with many people much older than I (mid-20s to early 50s). I didn't see it back them, but in retrospect, every single one of those folks had some serious issues with self esteem (either low self-esteem or narcissism), sexuality, addiction/unhealthy behaviors, inability to make friends their own age, depression, problems with their marriage...it made them feel young/special/whatever to have a younger friend, and I can't say it did me any real harm, but there was definitely something weird about it and I am lucky it didn't do me any harm. Also I missed out on a lot of fun stuff with the friends I had that were my own age (extracurricular activities, chatting with friends about going to college, etc.), because I was out doing things with older people.

[JinLA]

I think it depends on your definition of "friend". For example, I like to talk to my "friends" about my marriage, about work related issues, about having children, about our similar interests. I can't imagine that a 14 year old would have the same interests as me. In fact, I know they don't. Our 13 year old neice came to visit us and her life was consumed with Myspace and boys and just "drama" at school. I'm her aunt by marriage. If she weren't my neice, I don't see myself having any sort of relationship with her as a "friend". If there was to be one, I'd see myself as an adult sort of support system, someone she could look up to or turn to as more of a positive influence, not a friend/equal. I think, if I'm understanding your post, it's kind of creepy...

However, on the contrary, my father became a mentor to a 16 year old boy with behavioral issues as part of a Boys Club of America program. He was a mentor. Maybe some might say a "friend" to him, but I think his primary role was to serve as a figure of support and someone that this boy could count on and look to as a positive roel model. Not someone who is a "friend" in the sense where my dad would talk about his relationships with him (he's single).

So, it depends one what you are referring to as "friend'. Sure my dad would take him fishing, and to plays and to the movies, but it was more as a father figure, or role model for this troubled teen, than a "friend"....

[Marlow]

I agree 100% with JinLA and Pirate Girl. I would be suspicious of any adult seeking out friendship, on an equal basis, with a child. A million times more so if they were of the opposite sex. And if there were any type of "grooming" behavior, such as buying presents or gifts, or taking the child somewhere, I would hear loud alarms going off. Maybe I'm too suspicious, but I certainly wouldn't enjoy hanging out with teenagers on a social basis and can't imagine why any adult would. We just wouldn't have anything to talk about as "friends."

That's not to say that a 14 year old can't be "friends" with his or her 80-year-old grandmotherly neighbor, but the relationship should be grandmother-ish, not pal-ish.

[BusySocialWorker]

Well Said Marlow! I agree! There are many different "friendships" and a grandmotherly friendship is very different (or should be) from a peer relationship. I am all for a mentor who is a positive role model and "friend" but I would not consider that the same as a peer relationship

[pirate girl]

I have neighbors in their 80s- and my son is friendly with them. He helps them carry in groceries, they speak to him about school and sports............ but there is a definite pecking order- he shows them respect and they show him concern and love............ Great Example, Marlow!