Teens -- House cleanliness of friends and my standards
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I have a place where teens..now young adults..always hang out. I don't go thru my kids I just tell the freinds what I want when they are sitting around doing whatever they do. It's not perfect and sometimes they 'forget' but for the most part they do what I ask (dishes in the sink, bottles&cans on the counter for recycling, fast food wrappers in the trash, etc). It's awesome that people like to come to your place, it really does keep you in the loop during the teen years!
I try to stay more-or-less out of the way when the kids have guests over, so I have no real idea if at some point there are feet on the coffee table (or more likely, someone using it as a set while playing XBox). If I happen to wander through and see something icky I'll happily throw a "EWWW! Whose retainer is on the kitchen counter??" their direction. But generally...nah. Policing behavior's part and parcel of having guests. It's good practice for when they're forty and have to keep the lampshades off the in-laws' heads.
Yes, the condition of the homes where her friends live really has no bearing on this issue. Just explain that you expect the house to be as neat as it was when the friends arrived.
With one exception: my daughter once had a friend whose house was so nasty Eldest Miss Aconite was not allowed to bring home anything in a box from Friend's house without emptying the box on the porch first. I don't want hitchhiking critters, thankyouverymuch.
My problem is not that she won't do that (she will and has no problem) but that this gets interpreted as a slight on her friends. I've tried to explain that people are different and I don't impose my standards on them any more than i want them to impose thier standards on me.
Any advice? The issue is NOT the typical teen I don't want to pick up. It's the fact that she somehow sees this as me denegrating her friends.
Ok. First of all, she is a teen. A female teen. This is probably the least rational living creature on the planet. I mean, the fact that she takes you asking for her friends to put dishes in the dishwasher as some kind of an insult should clue you into that.
Second, I think that you can agree with her that people can pick their own lifestyles. I think you can honestly discuss the pros and cons of being a total slob and of being an obsessive-compulsive neat freak. I think those are fair conversations. However, the conversation ends at YOUR door, because it's YOUR house, and those who enter YOUR house live by YOUR rules.
So it's fine...if she doesn't want to embarrass her ill-mannered friends by asking them to pick up after themselves (something they SHOULD have been taught do do as guests even if they don't do it in their own home), then simply stipulate that she should be responsible for cleaning up after them.
It doesn't matter how messy her friends' houses are kept. If her friends leave a mess, then she gets to clean it up afterwards. I had some friends growing up who had extremely messy houses; they learned pretty quickly by example not to leave crumbs everywhere and to take dishes to the sink! Maybe she won't feel like you are slighting her friends once she realizes that she gets to clean up once they go home.
With three kids (11-17) one dog a husband and myself, we have adopted the your space, your responsibility and your guest, your responsibility attitude. When we moved into this house, each child had his/her own room. To stop but brother made this mess in my room or sister pulled out the video games arguments, we instituted the rule that in the person's room, they are king/queen. They can make up the rules of the room and kick one of the siblings out at will. But with absolute power comes absolute responsibility. If brother leaves a mess, it is sister's responsibility to make him clean it up. If sister leaves the controllers all over the floor, it is brother's job to get her to clean them up. In community areas, items specific to a child, they have to get, items from group play, everybody gets. Each child is in charge of their guests. If they let the guest go home without cleaning, then the child is responsible. We have been following these rules so long, there isn't any argument or hurt feelings.
In the case of being personally insulted by way of a friend's actions, eh, she will only continue that argument if you argue with her about it. "I'm sorry you feel that way, it is not my intention to say MaryCindyAnn is a slob" Poof no argument, her feelings are validated all is well in the teenage girl world... for 10 minutes
I don't get your kids' friends. I mean, even when we had maids and cooks at our house, we knew that when you go to someone's home, you help with *everything*. Even my brother knew that. Dishes, serving, clean-up. Whatever.
I suspect this is more of an issue these days with more people living like pigs. Our house is kept similar to the OP. I can't live in filth or chaos. At the end of every day, the floors are swept, kitchen spotless, everything in its place. Beds are made every morning, bathrooms cleaned once a week, carpets vaccuumed once a week, bedding cleaned about every five days. I don't think it's unreasonable to live this way. My kids are three and know to put back toys when they're done, and they put their dishes in the dish washer when they're done eating. Shoes come off at the door. As they get older and have friends over, they'll be expected to do the same.
One of the issues is that when kids come over they treat our house like its theirs which means when I come home there are dishes all over, crumbs on the floor, etc. Like what a stadium looks like after a game. I don't make a big deal but just tell her let's just pick up - about 5 minutes and a quick vacuum if its bad, and that's it.
Any advice? The issue is NOT the typical teen I don't want to pick up. It's the fact that she somehow sees this as me denegrating her friends.
^There's your problem right there. you SHOULD make it a big deal.
Next time they come over to eat, put their plates outside next to the dogs' bowl.
My favorite rule as a Parent is and always will be:
This is MY house, you abide by my rules.
period and end of it
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