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It applies to everyone, no matter what your particular dynamics with your particular mother might be.
I had it on my desk at work when I was reading it--EVERYONE stopped by and picked it up and said, "I should read this." Gay, straight, black, white, people from India, you name it. They all wanted to read it. It is sometimes sad, sometimes funny, but most of all good advice.
My mother is not an alcoholic, but she is narcisstic and everything is always about how it relates to her. She can't see anyone else's point of view. Once I realized that, we had a better relationship, but it will never be that ideal Mother-Daughter closeness. It's not anything you do, and just because your mother's relationship with you is not that great, it doesn't mean you can't someday have a great relationship with your own kids. You will just have to be mindful and aware not to repeat negative patterns you may have learned, but it can be done. I have a great relationship with my own daughter, because I worked to be a better person. Good luck to you.
And you know my husband and I have plans on starting a little family of our own soon, I think what i should focus on is breaking the cycle.. and loving my hopefully future children unconditionally and always being a good mom and doing the best i can
That's totally what helped me take my last step away from the dream. I had already made some peace with it before then, but as soon as I had kids I realized it was time to fully let go and focus on building the best future I could, and being the best mom I could, for them. You will be fine! Just the fact that you have enough self-awareness to even be asking these questions speak volumes. <3
I have no magic words to make you feel better. But you are not alone. I have the same problem with my mother. She never loved me for who I was; she could never stand my personality. Now in my 40s, my mom still does not really love me, has no time for me or my kids and is cold as ice. I have had to learn thru the years to mother myself and love myself a bit more. It's hard. The post about the alcoholic thing rings true for me. My mom IS alcoholic, high-functioning, but I do believe that has a lot to do with it and her alienation of affection towards all her daughters, but most especially, me. I have had to delineate boundaries as she was disrespecting me to my friends and other family members. I told her I would accept her for who she was but NEVER tolerate her meddling in my life. I also told those people not to respond by defending me if she approached them to talk me down, but simply and pleasantly change the subject.
All this has worked well. My mother will never be affectionate or there for me. But she did stop meddling in my affairs and talking badly about me to people I love. I have accepted her as she is and formed loving relationships with other significant people in my life. I can't change it. That much I know.
ALSO do not pass it on. Your kids deserve better! Mine get better from me.
I relate to your situation OP. And there's really nothing I can say that will help, except that I'm in my mid-thirties now and finally at peace with my odd and hurtful mother. Before I had kids I continually felt hurt and abandoned by my mother. After I had my own kids, I began feeling a lot of anger towards her. Now my kids are 16 and 11, and after years of reading and talking to helpful insightful people and the support of my husband, I finally am just at this place where that relationship doesn't matter much to me anymore. The very rare blue moon moment where she does make an effort to get in touch with me (perhaps once every three years when she calls up sounding drunk or emotional) I just listen and go "Uh huh..." and let her talk and then at the end of the phone conversation she'll say "I love you..." and I feel no obligation whatsoever to say it back, because I know it wouldn't be the truth. I don't know her, and she is not a part of my life aside from these odd little blips here and there. I don't say something unless I truly mean it, and unfortunately I don't respect or love the lady that gave birth to me. She's just done too many things over the years to hurt me, and I don't feel she deserves it.
Anyway - my only advice is to give it time. Tell your mom how you feel, but carefully critique her response. Don't waste time on a person who makes you feel hurt, neglected, or abandoned. Life is too short. We don't choose the people or family we are born into... but we do choose the circle of family and friends that we create for ourselves. Put your time and love and efforts towards those people who deserve it - not those that take advantage of it.
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