Custody and Moving out of State (child support, deadbeat, divorced, infant)

[KayAnn246]

I am going through a never ending custody and mediation issue with my ex.

Background- My ex is active duty military. He deploys very often. He is gone anywhere from 3-9 months at a time. But he was gone 24 months at one point. He leaves, comes back then leaves again very often. We were married and had a daughter about 5 years ago. He has been gone since she was born. We divorced this year. I was awarded primary custody but I wasn't allow to leave the state without requesting to do so through the court. I have a disability due to injury during military service so I can not work at this time.

The problem is that he will not agree to let me move back to my hometown. We both have no family in the state because we were both here for active duty. All of my friends have left to go to different duty stations so I currently do not have a support system. I also have a child from a previous marriage that would like to live close to family.
His work schedule takes him out of the country and state almost every month of the year. He will be station in another state at any time. He just doesn't know when that will occur.He states that he will retire from active duty which is 7 years away but since he is not from this state I doubt if he will retire here even though he will tell the judge different. I would like to move before my daughter starts school so that she will be stable.

We have went to mediation and he finally agreed to let me move based on him having 2 months in the summer and even holidays. But as soon as he spoke with his attorney, he changed his mind and told me to wait until he comes back from deployment. His attorney has suggested that going to court is a better option because he has rights.That was in March. He will not return until October. So I schedule a court date for October and he called and told me he will be extended so he will not be back for a few months. He or his family are not actively involved in her life. I have asked him to care for her many times and he makes excuses because of his work schedule. He has visitation every other weekend but he has only seen her 2 weekends this year.
I would like him to be more involved but I can only ask so many times. I am becoming frustrated because he wants me to stay in the state so his son can have a relationship with her but his son lives with ex's mother because he is gone all the time. I am the only person that care for her because everyone else I know lives in a different state now.

We have spend a lot of money of attorney fees only because he keeps requesting a extension since he is not in state or country.

I have proposed a parenting plan where he can visit her at least once a month and talk on the phone 3 times a week, 2 months in the summer and every other holiday as well as pay travel but how can I propose that when he only sees her 3-4 times a year now?

Any advice or recommendation on how I can express to the judge that it would be best for our child to move close to family so we miss no more holidays, birthday or just for support?

I don't know when I will be heard in court because it looks like my court date will be pushed back again. I have been on a month to month apartment leasing waiting for court and having to let my older child start school here because of this issue.

[MurphyPl1]

What does your attorney say?

[laysayfair]

Originally Posted by MurphyPl1

What does your attorney say?

Can you ask the court to let you go visit your family until he's back from deployment? Tell them you don't feel safe where you are.

[dr74]

Directed towards the OP..

I get the military life issue however judges usually do not vote in favor of what is best for the PARENTS but geared towards what is in the BEST interest of the children...

If I were you I would document document document...

By memory recall all the times your husband has had visitation and has not come to get your daughter not due to deployment but simply because he had other things going on...type it up on the form and try and recollect any words or statements made..

And also write a note for yourself to be orally presented to the judge at the time of your hearing...memorize it..

What you stated...
" Your honor the reason I am wanting to relocate at this time is due to my having no support system where I currently reside..My child will be starting school soon and I would like this to happen in my hometown where we will be around family and be around my support network as I return to school since I am no longer able to serve in the military."
"I would love for my husband to be in the life of our child however I have noticed that when he has had the oppurtunity to see his child there is always a reason as to why he cannot and this is not work related..As well as him being deployed often the longest being ( 2) years where he was not seeing our child except when he got leave."
"My wish is to enroll our child into a stable school system being that children need stability and I will have support for my family regarding pick up and so forth while I return to school..I opted for this schedule however he has not agreed"

Or something to this extent..

Good luck

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by Singlelady10

IHe or his family are not actively involved in her life. I have asked him to care for her many times and he makes excuses because of his work schedule. He has visitation every other weekend but he has only seen her 2 weekends this year.
I would like him to be more involved but I can only ask so many times. I am becoming frustrated because he wants me to stay in the state so his son can have a relationship with her but his son lives with ex's mother because he is gone all the time. I am the only person that care for her because everyone else I know lives in a different state now.

It's so sad what happens to military families. I feel terrible for both of you. But it's really unsettling for me that you talk about him like he's a deadbeat dad. You married him and had a child knowing that he would be gone like he is. Afterall, you were active duty yourself. I don't blame him for wanting to ensure that he can see her every single second possible since his time is so limited. I don't blame you for wanting to move closer to family.

Mostly, I'm sitting here wishing you wouldn't get divorced. It's very clear that you are divorcing because his is absent so much and you are lonely and done with it all. Add your recent disability to the mix and you have a lot of emotional issues on your plate that make it difficult to cope while essentially living the life of a single parent.

But there are many single parents in this country without a traditional support system. I was one when my children were young. I had to work at building a non-traditional support system. Honestly, it was a better support system than most traditional support systems. Once your daughter starts school, a whole new world of connections will open up to you through other parents.

Does the military base have support services for spouses of deployed soldiers? Are you open to counseling?

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by dr74

I have noticed that when he has had the oppurtunity to see his child there is always a reason as to why he cannot and this is not work related.

I don't see anywhere in her post that indicates that this is not work related.

[KayAnn246]

Originally Posted by dr74

Directed towards the OP..

I get the military life issue however judges usually do not vote in favor of what is best for the PARENTS but geared towards what is in the BEST interest of the children...

If I were you I would document document document...

By memory recall all the times your husband has had visitation and has not come to get your daughter not due to deployment but simply because he had other things going on...type it up on the form and try and recollect any words or statements made..

And also write a note for yourself to be orally presented to the judge at the time of your hearing...memorize it..

What you stated...
" Your honor the reason I am wanting to relocate at this time is due to my having no support system where I currently reside..My child will be starting school soon and I would like this to happen in my hometown where we will be around family and be around my support network as I return to school since I am no longer able to serve in the military."
"I would love for my husband to be in the life of our child however I have noticed that when he has had the oppurtunity to see his child there is always a reason as to why he cannot and this is not work related..As well as him being deployed often the longest being ( 2) years where he was not seeing our child except when he got leave."
"My wish is to enroll our child into a stable school system being that children need stability and I will have support for my family regarding pick up and so forth while I return to school..I opted for this schedule however he has not agreed"

Or something to this extent..

Good luck

Thank you very much that is excellent advice.

It is best for our daughter to be around family. We missed so many birthday's and family events even while he was gone. We are just here in the state. My ex's family is not involved. My ex only visits 3-4 times a year because he is gone. He will leave the state to go to another duty assignment(no time line). He will deploy again and he will retire but is not promised to stay in this state. In my opinion it is in the best interest of my daughter to have a family support system. She wants grandma or aunt at her dance classes when daddy can't be there. It is in her best interest for mom to have help to raise her. I've had to had surgery 3 times in 3 years and those times my family had to fly down to stay with the kids.

I was active duty and understand that deployment is necessary but I would want my child around all the family possible to ensure their mental, physical and emotional support. I am not superwoman and I do not understand why he does not understand that. When my daughter was born, he was gone for 2 years. I went back to work when she was 6 months old. I was driving a hour to work and coming home to take care of an infant and the house. Most weeks she would get sick 2-3 times a week and I would drive back and care for her while the burden was placed on my co workers to finish what I couldn't finish. It would have been a lot easier for me if his family or my family helped like everyone else.

I grow up around my cousins and aunts and it was a wonderful experience. I want my daughter to have that as well. If her dad had a regular 9-5pm job, I would understand. But when he is here, he doesn't attend her preschool events, take her to the doctor, nothing. He works 14-16 hours a day when he is not deployed. He can leave to go to another state for 2-3 years at any time. So I am not saying he is a deadbeat but I think it is reasonable for me to want us to be around support.

My attorney says I have a good chance but there is no telling because it is based on the judges opinion and decision. There are no set guidelines for
custody and move away unlike child support.
But our case was scheduled for September but ex called me and said he will be extended another 2 months so I have to sit around and wait again.

Also, of course I knew he would deploy and be gone but he deploys more often than regular active duty since he has a special top secret MOS(job). He was married before and they divorced. He was not honest with me about the extend of his work travels. His ex wife went through the same thing. He has a son that has lived with his grandma for several years so that shows he can not be there to provide a stable environment. Usually active duty deploy, then get a year of no deployments. He doesn't get that year off.