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I think it's safe to say that when parents raise their children, they teach them to be good honest people and not to tell lies. But what if you have a demanding mom who won't take no for an answer? Is telling a white lie acceptable?
Here's the situation I'm facing. My sister is graduating college for a second time (her 2nd degree) and the grad ceremony is Monday morning. Yes, talk about inconvenient. My mom recognizes the fact that I'm not an early bird and knows I have to work starting late morning until the evening that day. She's asked me to ask my supervisor for time off around noon to join some family members and her boyfriend/boyfriend's mom for a celebration lunch. I'm taking time off work already starting later next week and frankly don't feel appropriate to ask for more time off (Monday).
Mom keeps asking me if I've asked my supervisor for time off that day or not. I haven't and frankly I feel that I have a responsibility to my boss. I've tried telling her that while I care for sis and am happy for her, work obligations prevent me from coming to the lunch. She won't take no for an answer.
Dad is going to be away on business so he's missing the ceremony+lunch too. I suggested that we just wait until he returns to do a family get together but mom says that sis' boyfriend's mom (possibly the future mother in law) will be in town and so I should take off work. I've never even met the bf's mom, so I don't see how that's relevant to the situation.
Needless to say, I feel like mom won't back down and as a result it's put a strain on our relationship. She's known to be pushy and pouts until she gets her way. Note that we're all adults here. What would you do? Tell your mom a white lie and say your supervisor declined to give you time off on Monday? I'm torn between telling the truth and appeasing my mom.
Moms can be hard. I don't know what's going on here--if she wants to put on a good show for the bf's mom, or if she just wants what she wants. I think your suggestion for a lunch when everyone can be there is a good compromise.
I say stick to your guns. You all have taught her she can act like this and get her way. Say, "I really can't go that day, but if you decide to do a lunch later, I'd love to attend." And whenever she brings it up, say, "I've already given you my answer." Hard, I know. Good luck.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ValueAddedWorker
I think it's safe to say that when parents raise their children, they teach them to be good honest people and not to tell lies. But what if you have a demanding mom who won't take no for an answer? Is telling a white lie acceptable?
Here's the situation I'm facing. My sister is graduating college for a second time (her 2nd degree) and the grad ceremony is Monday morning. Yes, talk about inconvenient. My mom recognizes the fact that I'm not an early bird and knows I have to work starting late morning until the evening that day. She's asked me to ask my supervisor for time off around noon to join some family members and her boyfriend/boyfriend's mom for a celebration lunch. I'm taking time off work already starting later next week and frankly don't feel appropriate to ask for more time off (Monday).
Mom keeps asking me if I've asked my supervisor for time off that day or not. I haven't and frankly I feel that I have a responsibility to my boss. I've tried telling her that while I care for sis and am happy for her, work obligations prevent me from coming to the lunch. She won't take no for an answer.
Dad is going to be away on business so he's missing the ceremony+lunch too. I suggested that we just wait until he returns to do a family get together but mom says that sis' boyfriend's mom (possibly the future mother in law) will be in town and so I should take off work. I've never even met the bf's mom, so I don't see how that's relevant to the situation.
Needless to say, I feel like mom won't back down and as a result it's put a strain on our relationship. She's known to be pushy and pouts until she gets her way. Note that we're all adults here. What would you do? Tell your mom a white lie and say your supervisor declined to give you time off on Monday? I'm torn between telling the truth and appeasing my mom.
Say "I'm not taking time off because I have a job to show up at and you don't want me to be a bad example for the sis don't ya?" Say it and more importantly MEAN IT. Once she sees you not come to the lunch she will know you mean what you say. I've just gotten the hang of this concept.
There is no need to lie. Simply say you have to work and that is that. Send your sister a lovely card telling her you are sorry you were unable to attend but wish her all the best and some flowers. If your mom wants to pout and whine that is her problem.
To give another example of how Mom wants to remain in control, when I informed my parents that I was moving soon, mom stated that she'd like to help pack some boxes (I didn't ask for her help, she volunteered) , but only if I give her a copy of my house key and she can visit whenever she wants. The last time I moved and she "helped" out, she complained a lot about how I keep my apartment, apparently it wasn't good enough to meet her standards. She basically treats me like a child even though I'm an adult. It's hard to set boundaries with my mom, I tend to be too nice in that respect.
Sounds like my mom - who gets furious and has been known to pout for 18 months at a time if things do not go the way she has orchestrated them. I relay this to explain that it doesn't get better - you just have to draw boundaries and learn to accept that there will be times she will be upset with you.
My sisters and I have had to become somewhat conspiratorial over the years as to how to handle such situations. My sisters always seem to come up with acceptable "excuses" . . . I tend to simply be straightforward . . . and most of the time, it ain't worth it. It would have been better to have found an "excuse" (white lie?).
Please keep in mind my mom is over 80, so when I say it doesn't get better - I mean it. No amount of boundary drawing works with some personality types. They want it the way they want it and everyone around them is supposed to fulfill the expectation. PERIOD.
So . . . since you have already tried the "rational explanation" route . . . I would save yourself the anger and resentment you will feel if you comply (and possibly cause a problem with your boss) and tell her you couldn't get off work.
And just for the record - Alanboy's suggestion is one that would work with most folks . . . but with my mom, it would have gotten the retort - "THe message you are sending is that you don't respect your family enough to put them first. That's the message you are sending."
Maybe your mom isn't as difficult as mine . . . but if she is . . . just learn to negotiate terms that work for you when her expectations are unreasonable. It doesn't make you a bad person when she is the one making unreasonable demands and is totally dictatorial and inflexible about her expectations.
There is no need to lie. Simply say you have to work and that is that. Send your sister a lovely card telling her you are sorry you were unable to attend but wish her all the best and some flowers. If your mom wants to pout and whine that is her problem.
Well . . .you are assuming the mom in this case doesn't have a personality disorder (or isn't bipolar) . . . it isn't as simple as dealing with some whining and pouting if mom has "issues" (borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc). Even minor "infractions" can reap unbelievably vicious reactions, including sabotage, from dear ole mom - for MONTHS to come - if mom has personality problems.
My gut feeling is . . . something this small would not cause this much agonizing for anyone who had not spent a lifetime dealing with the emotional and verbal abuse that results when a child (even an ADULT child) doesn't meet the expectations and demands of a mom with a personality disorder.
This is between you and your sister. Call her and give her the scoop, then, when your mom asks, tell her that you have already addressed it with your sister and she understands why you can't attend.
Well . . .you are assuming the mom in this case doesn't have a personality disorder (or isn't bipolar) . . . it isn't as simple as dealing with some whining and pouting if mom has "issues" (borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc). Even minor "infractions" can reap unbelievably vicious reactions, including sabotage, from dear ole mom - for MONTHS to come - if mom has personality problems.
My gut feeling is . . . something this small would not cause this much agonizing for anyone who had not spent a lifetime dealing with the emotional and verbal abuse that results when a child (even an ADULT child) doesn't meet the expectations and demands of a mom with a personality disorder.
UMMMMMM The OP never disclosed that his mother has a personality disorder nor am I assuming anything. I gave simple advice. If the OP wishes to disclose more information that their mother does have such issues then let the OP do so.
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