Am I being a cruel daughter?

[california-jewel]

No i truly do not think so, i can see that this is bothering you, you are caring. Because she is not going to live with you, in no way means you do not care for her. She seems to have a awful lot going on that i believe would end up being too much for your family to consider taking her in. And so many times these situations do end up in divorce.

I know that you love your Mother, but also your children, and you do have to consider them, and their welfare, and their well being.

I don't think she is out there as you think, for it appears she is trying to lay some guilt on you. Therefore, she can think, and is trying to put a guilt trip on you. Leaving me to belive that perhaps she has some mental issues. Be there for your Mother, and love her, but you also need to think of your family and your children.

[DewDropInn]

Originally Posted by liloulou

Thank you all again for your postings today. It has really helped me see that I'm not neglecting her and being cruel by not buying into her thought process and guilt trips.

You could put her in her own wing of the house, hire a lady's maid and serve her breakfast in bed and there would still be problems. From what you've said about her she'll lay a major guilt trip on you when you tell her, "No." That type doesn't want help. They just want to complain.

My dad came to live with us. Luckily we were able to add on to the house to accomodate him. He and my DH were best friends, my kids adored him, and I loved him to bits. And it was still hard. He had to get used to us. We had to get used to him. But we all wanted it to work. And he was thankful for what we did for him. DH and I were thankful we had him there as a sitter/role model/cool grandad who knew how to fish. Doesn't sound like you would have those dynamics at all.

It HAS to be a two way street. Sounds like she'll just take and take. No. You are not cruel.

[h886]

Originally Posted by liloulou

Oh one more thing... I see my neighbors and they take in their parents, we would take in my dh's mom if she needed a place. My mentality is to care for and take in your parents when they need you, but I can't bring myself to do this with my mom. Maybe I feel guilty...

I think it's natural to feel guilty, even when rationally you understand that you are doing the right thing. If circumstances were different, perhaps you could have taken her in, but you have to face the reality of the situation. She is unstable, her presence is harmful to your children, and she is choosing not to work with what she has. As their mother, you cannot allow someone unstable to be in your house.

I really do think a lot of this sounds like she's throwing a big fit and hoping the worse she acts, the higher the chances are you'll take her in. No, she doesn't "need" a big car. A small one will do fine. No, she doesn't "need" a 2 bedroom. Section 8 will pay for a 1 bedroom and that will do just fine. She has enough to get by. She is the one choosing to turn her nose up at what has been offered.