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Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,554 posts, read 26,114,306 times
Reputation: 60015
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and
the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the
saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground
over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart
greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
The Marine Drill Instructor noticed a new recruit and barked at him, “Get over here, Marine.” “What’s your name?” “Paul”, the new recruit replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding heart pansy crap they’re teaching in boot camp today, but I don’t call anyone by their first name,” the Gunnery Sergeant scowled. “It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Marines by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker, like that. And I am to be referred to only as Gunny. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes sir, Gunny.”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The young Private sighed, “Darling”. “My name is Paul Darling, Gunny.”
A tour bus driver is driving with a busload of seniors down a highway when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps the driver on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When the little old lady is about to hand the driver another batch of peanuts...he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we don't have any teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Well, why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love sucking the chocolate off them.'
Location: Oklahoma(formerly SoCalif) Originally Mich,
13,387 posts, read 19,472,288 times
Reputation: 4611
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ‘Steve’s Place,’ and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the
spoon?’
‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back
to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
spare.. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’
‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice. ‘Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the
restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’
Well, he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one!
We were dressed and ready to go out for New Years Eve. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat that we put out in the back yard scooted back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My husband went out to the taxi while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my husband didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, he explained to the taxi driver that I'd be right out by saying, "She's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother. A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", I said, as we drove away. "She was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services. She walked in on a guy in the act of robbing her home of its valuables. She yelled out, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"Haha - that's no good!, sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see where the ball went?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?", says Arthur
"I don't remember..."
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Saying goodbye to Mother
