For those of you who decided not to have children... (cost, house)

[leavingcali]

I posted the same thread under "parenting" and was only hearing from parents--which is great--but I would also like opinions from non-parents too. Following is the original thread:

Lately, many people I know who are parents have been telling my husband and I, and anyone else who is thinking about having children, not to. They complain about how much it has changed their lives.

Additionally, it seems like many marriages go bad after having kids. The couple grows apart; the priority is the kids and not the marriage. My best friend, who has two younger children (4 and 2) is miserable--her marriage is falling apart, she feels lonely, I believe both her and her husband are having affairs, and she complains constantly about motherhood.

I often wonder if parents are honest with nonparents about parenting. I think parents feel that if they say outloud that they regret having children that that means that they don't love their children; I don't think that's true, but I think it sometimes prevents honesty.

So, is having children overrated? I would love to hear from both parents and people who chose not to have children. How have these decisions affected your life and marriage?

For the non-parents: do you regret your decision? What's your life like without children? Do you feel sure that you made the right decision for yourself?

[Racelady88]

I have never felt like I wanted to have kids. I think there are enough unwanted children in this world.

I have never been comfortable around children. I do not think babies are cute.

Being a parent is a forever decision. It is not like a job, you can't change your mind after you try it out for 90 days.

Having a dog completely fulfills my need to be "mommy".

[foma]

I'm 29, been married 3 years and we're at that point where family is bugging us and we both need to seriously start "planning". I love kids but I would be happy either if we had children or not. Don't get me wrong, I want kids but I can see myself happy with or without them. To me, having children is the "next step" in life, you know? It's not something you "want" or "don't want" - just if it happens, it happens.

I think being a parent is the most important and significant thing a person can do so if I were to get pregnant, it's not something I would take lightly. Given how selfish I can be and how childish my husband can be, I know that having kids also means changing our entire life around. I'm ready to make that committment if I were to get pregnant but I also think about how much "fun" life can be without them, you know what I mean?

I know my husband is dying to have kids. He totally wants them. I don't think this could ever be a "deal breaker" in our marriage but I do see this "issue" causing strain in our marriage. My only regret would be when I'm 60 and I regret not ever having kids. Imagining my life without kids sounds great and all but it's easier to live life with kids and make adjustments to make yourself happy than to get into senior-hood and imagining what life would've been like if you had them, IMO.

[Zig'sbird]

I'm a man and I love children. I have two myself, both boys.

Does it change your life? Completely. I went from having some extra money to being broke all of the time. What ever you plan on for the cost of children, realistally, double it and then you MIGHT be close. When both of my sons were in daycare, I was paying 1k a month on daycare costs

Marriage? Yes, it effected my marriage also. It meant that we had to grow up and not be selfish. Some people have no problem with the switch, while for others it makes their life a living hell. My wife and I were in the middle. It almost broke us but we moved past it and are now stronger then ever. I will add though that with children also comes a lot of stress from various sources.

[McGowdog]

The prospect of having kids scares me. My wife as well. I am not a father and have never been, so it's not my job to raise anybody's children. I don't feel as though I'm cut out for it. I'm not getting any younger, either.

Mrs. McGowdog may change her mind one day. I would have to deal with that, cross that bridge once we get there.

I see people, family and friends who are raising children and it looks harder than anything. I don't know how they do it. No one's got the perfect formula. I know a family that was raised well themselves and are as fair and strict with their kids as they can be, but the kids go through their "moments", nonetheless. All kids seem extremely spoiled, selfish, self-centered, etc. to me regardless of the parenting and it just seems like something they must grow out of. I think that couples' relationships with each other DO suffer while raising children, but tough cookie. That's just the way it is. Many people get married in a church and take these vows and sooner or later, they will be tested on this "for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse..." It either works out for them or it doesn't. Sooner or later, if they hang in there, the kids grow older and they sometimes make it! It seems like a miracle to me.

If we were to have children, I could see myself doing a lot of praying. Those folks on the other side of the fence tell me "We thought that way too. We were so scared. We knew that we didn't have enough money. But it just works out. We don't know how, but it just works out." Then they always say, "We couldn't imagine life being any other way. We are so glad that things turned out this way. You should have children! Come join us in Hell!"

This world really freaks me out right now. I couldn't imagine where to begin with children. Isn't the world going to end soon anyway?

[Roaddog]

In todays world I would not have kids, It just depends on you, if you really want children and want to focus your life on them then do it but you have to be commited to those children, they don't have a choice in being here and you have to do everything you can to ensure they have a chance at a good life, so many children don't get a chance at a good life these days.
Theres nothing wrong with enjoying life without having children, just because family wants you to have them doesn't mean you have to. You can always enjoy friends and relitives children without having to have your own, the plus part of that is that they go home. LOL

[mainebrokerman]

i have friends, that chose not to have kids,,,and i totally respect that, i also have friends that had kids "because it seemed to be the time and thing to do, a purpose" but that doesnt make them good parents, one poster used a word, that fits this thread, its "sacrifice"
we wear so many hats in life, as an employee, as a husband/wife/family member, etc., when you become a mother/father, that takes precedent over everything else. and unless the duties/tasks of raising a child is shared amongst the parents (that both are usually working) thats where the marital problems are born,,,, there's a superwoman complex, that the mother tries to do it all,,,be a perfect mother, keep the house clean, cook, and work full time, the father must contribute to this picture,,,or there will be issues,,,distance, and resentment.

couples that choose not to have kids, , doesnt make there lives completely kidless,,,,most have friends and family,,with kids, its not the same,,but thier are many awesome aunts and uncles in this world, that dont have kids themselves.

i have a teenage boy,,that id take a bullet for,,,or if i were on my deathbed, id still be thanking god,,,for the opportunity of being a dad,
from the day he was born, my life changed,, i think back to the years that fly by and the times i miss,,,when he was two to four,,and every-day when i got home or picked him up at day care,,he'd come running with a hug,,,,or id take him fishing, swimming, snowmobiling,,,,or just take him around "visiting" to family and friends,,some of the happiest days of my life,
now he's a young man with many friends,,,i spend as much time as i can with him,,whether its going golfing,,, boating, helping him with his homework, talking about "girls", drugs, and outlook on life.
forgive me for rambling on,,,,,but since the day he was born,,i made many promises to myself,, that above all i would try to build his character and self-esteem, to be a confident, understanding person,,,,something i lacked when i was his age.

so, to many "almost" parents, thinking they'd be "bad" parents because of the crap they had to tolerate themselves (growing up) and would probly pass it along to thier own kids,, thats simply not true,,,,cycles can and are broken every day!

[foma]

Originally Posted by Roaddog

You can always enjoy friends and relitives children without having to have your own, the plus part of that is that they go home. LOL

My sentiments EXACTLY!!!!!! Well said but too bad my husband doesn't think the same way!!

[mrdude]

my fiancee and i are both childfree; we don't hate kids, we just don't want any of our own. to be a good parent, you must put your kids first and yourself second. especially when they are in the baby stage, you must be with them at all times to protect and teach. we're both too self-centered and selfish to make the sacrifices of having children. we currently have two adult cats and a goldfish, and they're about as much as we can handle plus, we don't have to save up to send our cats to college

[Magnolia Bloom]

At first I thought- "I should have kids, otherwise, who will wipe my rear end when I get old?"

Now that I have them, I think, "OMG, they are going to be wiping my rear end when I get old."