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Well if you think he would be hurt no matter how tactfully you try to put it to him, try moving farther away.
Me personally, I wish I (a) had a dad to visit me and (b) lived closer to my family so they could visit me more often. Be careful what you wish for, because one day those knocks on the door are going to stop...permanently, and you'll miss him.
I understand your need for privacy and you want to avoid any awkward moments where you may have an overnight "guest" who is in your bed, but perhaps visiting him on your terms more frequently will keep him from showing up at your door so often.
My family has a drop in policy but none of us abuse it. Many times my dad will stop buy when he is in the neighborhood just as I'm about to leave or get in the shower or something and that's ok...he doesn't plan to stay long but just want's to say hi or share something with me. It's cool.
My dad will drop by whenever he feels like it, without calling first. I've asked him time and time again to call first but he never does. Is there a way that I can ask him politely to make plans ahead of time?
Just tell them contact me first before you call over pref text, whats so hard about that?
Grrrrr...this is a pet peeve of mine. I live an hour...an HOUR...from my parents, and they think nothing of dropping by when they're out on a Sunday drive. (They do this to other people as well.)
It's funny...it doesn't bother me so much when other people do it. But I grew up in a home where we kids had NO privacy. While we were at work or school, my mother would be rooting through our drawers and closets, or reading our mail. When I was about 20, I remember walking into my bedroom only to find her rummaging through my purse. So to me, my parents stopping by with no advance warning is another invasion of my privacy.
It bothered my husband as well. I remember asking my parents if they would just call before they stopped by. Now remember I said I lived an hour from my parents? One time, they stopped at a shopping center about 5 minutes from my house and called to say they were coming over. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell them, "Sorry...but we have plans and we're headed out the door. Wish you had called before you left YOUR house.".
As a parent of three independent young women, two with their own families, this is something I would never do. It has always been an unwritten "non-interference" clause in my home/with grandparents etc.
I prefer to have them invite me (or consult with me if it is convenient for me) to join them for special occasions - and likewise be "upfront" if they have made other arrangements for that special occasion where I have not been included.
This is a great arrangment for me. Never a visit without the courtesy "is it ok and does it suit you" conversation.
I do not visit, when I am in the USA, more than what is considered mutually convenient, and never, ever, more than few hours at a time, maybe a dinner or movie.....
My overnight stays are in a hotel close by and I drive my own car/bike to visit. They know where I am. Three generations should never live une the same roof, if they can.
My ex does the drop in thing to the children /grandchildren at random. On lunch breaks when one likes to have a break, on a Saturday night, and always just at mealtimes, is very dominant, likes to change furniture around, give an opinion on raising kids, and how to manage their lives/households. She will not take no for an answer and is constantly adding unecessary stresses on a happy marriage, interfeing in study times of the single daughter, and, in all cases, insisting that she be shuttled around at her convenience in their car
My middle daughter moved 2000 miles away and now has complete control of her visits, arranges a hotel, and has other plans to take her mother in small dosis.
You're going to have to get a backbone about this. It's not going to be pretty.
Coolhand68's tip of visiting, calling etc more often on YOUR terms is a good one. Unfortunately, it didn't work in my case. And believe me, my efforts were fervent.
When I lived 2 hours from my parents, they thought it was ok to drop in ...even at my place of work. Requests, civil discussion didn't help. During uni, I once spent a day studying in my dorm room rather than at the library bc a friend alerted me they'd arrived. They hung around ALL DAY, badgered campus security to let them into my room so they could wait there. After finishing school, I was surprised to find that they didn't take my full-time job more seriously than they had my work-study positions. I changed work addresses (just buildings) I told them I'd changed employers, and didn't give them a new address. They still dropped in at my home. On pre-arranged visits, they were intrusive and behaved in ways they'd never have done in anyone else's home. Then I moved, and gave them a post-office box address.
When I moved out of the country, they had my real address for a while, but I guess the risk of being turned away was too high for them to do further drop-ins. I did hear lots of whining from each parent about the other parent supposedly feeling unwelcome and rejected. Ahem, and that would have NOTHING to do with them being thoroughly offensive guests in the past. When I moved, I gave them a post-office address again and felt huge relief.
After freaking out over too many obnoxious voicemails, I had my landline changed and switched mobile numbers as soon as possible. Nasty, demanding e-mails and P.O. mailings were harder to put a stop to. They no longer have any means of contacting me.
I hope you don't have to go to those extremes. It's pretty sad, and I regret not having set tougher limits much earlier. Any behaviorist would explain a thousand ways I reinforced their preferred modes of contact, including rewarding them materially. They consistently demonstrated a lot more respect for their offspring who've set and enforced stricter limits and NOT given them money, presents etc. What can I say, pre-conception I didn't have the foresight to choose a father like DBCC ...
My dad will drop by whenever he feels like it, without calling first. I've asked him time and time again to call first but he never does. Is there a way that I can ask him politely to make plans ahead of time?
It's because your Dad doesn't view you as an independent adult. I have this same problem on my Mom's side of the family. They all, especially my grandmother, still talk to me and treat me as if I'm a 5 year old child. They don't realize that I make my own decisions and have certain things going on in my life like a typical adult, they think I'm still a naive little child in their eyes.
How do you fix this? You need to make your father realize you are a grown and independent adult. I don't know who you're going to accomplish this, but you need to change his perception of you. Good luck.
When I lived 2 hours from my parents, they thought it was ok to drop in ...even at my place of work. Requests, civil discussion didn't help. During uni, I once spent a day studying in my dorm room rather than at the library bc a friend alerted me they'd arrived. They hung around ALL DAY, badgered campus security to let them into my room so they could wait there. After finishing school, I was surprised to find that they didn't take my full-time job more seriously than they had my work-study positions. I changed work addresses (just buildings) I told them I'd changed employers, and didn't give them a new address. They still dropped in at my home.
If a non-family member did that, it would be grounds for prosecuting them on a stalking charge
When I lived 2 hours from my parents, they thought it was ok to drop in ...even at my place of work. Requests, civil discussion didn't help. During uni, I once spent a day studying in my dorm room rather than at the library bc a friend alerted me they'd arrived. They hung around ALL DAY, badgered campus security to let them into my room so they could wait there. After finishing school, I was surprised to find that they didn't take my full-time job more seriously than they had my work-study positions. I changed work addresses (just buildings) I told them I'd changed employers, and didn't give them a new address. They still dropped in at my home. On pre-arranged visits, they were intrusive and behaved in ways they'd never have done in anyone else's home. Then I moved, and gave them a post-office box address.
When I moved out of the country, they had my real address for a while, but I guess the risk of being turned away was too high for them to do further drop-ins. I did hear lots of whining from each parent about the other parent supposedly feeling unwelcome and rejected. Ahem, and that would have NOTHING to do with them being thoroughly offensive guests in the past. When I moved, I gave them a post-office address again and felt huge relief.
After freaking out over too many obnoxious voicemails, I had my landline changed and switched mobile numbers as soon as possible. Nasty, demanding e-mails and P.O. mailings were harder to put a stop to. They no longer have any means of contacting me....
My dad will drop by whenever he feels like it, without calling first. I've asked him time and time again to call first but he never does. Is there a way that I can ask him politely to make plans ahead of time?
No, I don't think so. He is your dad. I think u r just going to have to suck it up or risk doing harm to your relationship.
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