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This may be a strange place to post this, but I'm having a little trouble and need help.
First of all, I've been seeing an 80s cover band almost every week for the past few years. Well, the bass player (Matt) died in a horrible accident a week and a half ago. His public memorial was well attended, etc.
The band is continuing on, but Matt was an integral part of it, and the very rhythm of the show has changed completely. I didn't know him that well personally, so I'm not mourning him, per se, but more what he brought to the band.
Last night my friend and I carpooled together to the show. She had a great time; she tends to be something of an attention w h o r e (she's a wanna be actress), and was thrilled to be pulled up on stage, sing a little, etc. To her, everything is back to normal. Actually, for her it's better than normal, because she never got as much stage/singing time as she's getting now. I have a problem trying to be happy for her when such a tragedy is responsible.
For me, nothing will be normal ever again! Or at least not until they get another full-time bass player. Right now they're using whoever is available, and it's difficult.
In other words, she's ready to move on. I'm not. I've suggested that we go in separate cars from now on, at least for a while. That way she can bring another friend and they can drink together before the show, while I enjoy my moments of silence and reflection.
We're on very different timetables. While I'm trying to understand her viewpoint, I'm having difficulty. I never claimed to be the most sensitive person in the world, but honestly, it's only been a week since we found out that Matt died! I see a lack of sensitivity and self-centeredness in her that really bothers me.
I've known who/what she is for a long time now (we've been attending shows together now for the past 3 1/2 years), but this display is turning me off, quite honestly. She can be a lot of fun, don't get me wrong, but I'm not looking for "fun" right now.
Do I just give it some time, and hope that eventually I'll catch up to her and her apparent lack of feeling? Or do I go my own way, and figure that this friendship has run its course? She has been an integral part of everything for many years now, but maybe it's time for something different. Thoughts?
I would suggest riding separate for awhile.
Although I can understand this is a terrible thing that happened, and not that long ago, I also feel that if the band is trying to pick up the pieces and move on, which I`m sure that its not easy for them to do, and your friend is moving on as well, then perhaps it would be better for you, to stay away for awhile, so you can have time to reflect and mourn.
I know that its not easy to witness someone trying to take over, and to you, all you see is her having a great time, and enjoying the spotlight.
Do I just give it some time, and hope that eventually I'll catch up to her and her apparent lack of feeling? Or do I go my own way, and figure that this friendship has run its course? She has been an integral part of everything for many years now, but maybe it's time for something different. Thoughts?
Based on what you've said here, I wouldn't chuck the relationship quite yet. At least not just for this. People have different ways of dealing with things. Plus, friends don't always agree on everything.
If it bothers you this much, maybe it would be best to skip a few shows til you're feeling better about the situation.
I would give it time. It sounds like it's affecting you more deeply than it is her. I totally understand your frustration; it reeks when someone dies and there is a lack of caring. I think it's great that you respect that the man died and are not ready to move on. After only a week, it's totally understandable. I would ride separately or not go for a minute until you have time to grieve and process everything and you are ready to move on.
Yeah, go in separate cars for now. And perhaps skip seeing the band for a while too. Can you live without seeing them play for a couple of months? You just got more emotionally attached to the band than your friend did.
And since she doesn't play bass, she isn't actually replacing the bass player. Also, the band is trying hard to move on also. It doesn't help them to go into deep mourning mode for their bass player. Since they are a cover band, they are playing for the money. So try to wish for the band and your friend to do well both musically and business-wise.
Thanks, everyone, for the good advice. This may be a non-issue, because she hasn't answered an e-mail I sent her yesterday morning (that was when I suggested that we take separate cars from now on for a while). I'm hurt if this is the end of our friendship, but I have no control over how she behaves and what her decisions are.
Thanks, everyone, for the good advice. This may be a non-issue, because she hasn't answered an e-mail I sent her yesterday morning (that was when I suggested that we take separate cars from now on for a while). I'm hurt if this is the end of our friendship, but I have no control over how she behaves and what her decisions are.
Very true. And as cliche as it might be, a friend isn't really a friend if they can't understand how you feel about something, even if they don't agree with it
Over the years i've seen that folks grieve in many different ways.
You may see someone appearing happy on the outside, but grieving on the inside.
Very true statement. When my late wife died, one of her daughters was angry a couple days after her death because her mother's other children, siblings, visiting friends and I seemed to be jovial. She couldn't understand that.
Speaking for myself, I'd never felt so low in my life and probably never will again, but that didn't mean I had to mope around for days with no smiles nor laughter. My insides felt dead, but I was still able to communicate and wear a happy face at times. I needed to do that to survive, and I suspect others are the same way.
Don't judge someone by how they grieve. We all handle grief differently. It doesn't mean we don't care.
Oh honey come here... (hug)... its gonna be okay. Grief is a terrible thing but there will be sunshine again.
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