I keep losing friends; I need help figuring out what I'm doing wrong (father, husbands)
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Has your husband done something to offend any of these people? Did he possibly act inappropriately when your back was turned or something? Sounds to me like he is the missing link here.
That also occurred to me after reading your post. He was with you on two of the three events you specifically mention and the cousin's rejection probably has something to do with whatever happened when you and your aunt met for dinner. Good luck in sorting it out.
I had a friend who had a spouse with a mental disorder, and that is exactly what happened. Finally, the friend left to have a chance at having a normal life.
Yep. I knew someone whose husband gave everyone the creeps - she was sweet as pie but once people met her husband they tended to avoid her.
I think I need some help to figure out why I seem to lose friends/can't make many friends. I was thinking about the concept of a friend coach--maybe where a therapist helps you figure out why you're not succeeding in relationships and coaches you on how to change things in order to make friends. I think I need one to help me figure out my problem. But I've never heard of a friend coach, and do't know if a therapist could even help me with this.
Here's a little background on this problem. I think I am a nice, normal person. I'm a woman in my early 30's, happily married for five years, no kids, have a good career, a great hubby, well-educated (graduate level), and am drama-free. I have a nice personality, and don't have any weirdness to my personality. I am a non-smoker, non-drinker, and am clean-cut. Height/weight proportional. I have a great, small group of friends from college who are scattered throughout the country, so I rarely see them, but I am in touch with them freqeuntly. So I can make friends and have successfully done so in the past. Before college I had lots of friends, from school, camp, activities, etc.
However, with the exception of one gal, who is really more of an acquaintance, I have not made a new friend in over six years despite trying really hard. My husband and I moved to our current city three years ago. To meet people, I have joined multiple community social groups, regularly ask people out for lunch, etc., am friendly with my work colleagues, etc. I take adult ed classes as well in my areas of interest. We do not feel any sense of social connection here after three years. We are both really active in terms of trying to make social connections.
Recently, there have been three incidents that have really bothered me regarding losing friends. All three are completely inexplicable. One involves a gal who I met and we really hit it off, we started hanging out, emailing, talking on the phone, for a couple months. I was thinking the relationship was going well and that she was turning into a real friend. Then we went out on a double date with our husbands, and after that she refused to speak to me anymore. Wouldn't return my calls, emails, never spoke to me again. This was 5 months ago. I was really upset about it, because I have no idea what I did wrong. She refused to speak to me after a double date with our husbands. Nothing controversial or offensive was discussed at this dinner. I have no idea why she ended our friendship. My hubby says that either she didn't like him, or her husband told her not to associate with me anymore. But why? I don't get it.
Fast forward to two months ago. My husband and I went on vacation and had a layover in the city of my aunt. So as a nice gesture, I made special arrangements to have dinner with this aunt who I had only met twice previously because she lives very far away, but started having a nice email relationship with over the past year--emailing every week, sharing photos, etc. My husband and I went out with my aunt and uncle and their child. My aunt is about 15 years older than me, but we have a lot in common. The dinner went really well. I sent her a thank you email and sent her all the photos I took of her and her family that night. However, after that, she no longer speaks to me. This is my own family member--I am so upset. I don't know what I did wrong. She refuses to return any of my emails, calls, etc. My husband has no idea either. I mean, it was only a 3-hour dinner, consisting mainly of small talk. We've gone from her emailing me once a week to her not returning any of my emails/messages. She clearly wants nothing more to do with me. My parents are also confused as to what could be going on here. Again, hubby says that maybe she didn't like him. But she's my aunt--again, I don't get it.
Then, three weeks ago, I Facebook friended a new cousin who just got on Facebook. I was excited by the idea of staying in touch with her. She denied my friend request. My own cousin refused my friend request. I'm upset about this. I haven't had that much interaction except at family reunions with this cousin, and I was excited by the prospect of keeping in touch more often with Facebook. But for her to blatantly refuse her own cousin's friend request? I have never refused family friend requests--how can you? It's a slap in the face, and when you see those people next, it would be awkward.
There have been other similar incidents too where I lose friends or am completely unable to make friends. I am normally an outgoing person who loves to be around people, but each of these incidents are chipping away at my desire to reach out to others, because of all this rejection.
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what the problem could be. I am not the kind of person who has an extreme personality. I also feel that I have really high emotional intelligence so I don't say offensive things to people and am really sensitive to social cues. I don't think I'm doing anything overt to turn people off. I've asked my husband, who has been there with me at these things, and he says there is nothing I'm doing that could be construed as offensive.
But clearly the problem is me. I am turning people off with something I am doing. How can I figure out what this is? My husband has no idea. I have no idea. It is very distressing and I think about this all the time.
Any thoughts on this?
I suggest you read 'How to win friends and influence people' by Dale Carnagie. Its stood me in good stead all of these years.
That also occurred to me after reading your post. He was with you on two of the three events you specifically mention and the cousin's rejection probably has something to do with whatever happened when you and your aunt met for dinner. Good luck in sorting it out.
I read your post scratched my head and walked away for a bit......
Then I got to thinking. Is there any chance that in your eagerness to make new friends and/or contacts that you came off a bit too needy?
Like during the conversation say things that would indicate that you wanted to be exclusive friends? Like she should invite you to everything she does?
Or maybe with your aunt you felt that you should be invited to every holiday dinner and birthday party?
I'm not saying it was intentional but the scenerio that kept playing in my head was a girl going on her 1st date with a guy and had their wedding and lives planned out before dessert arrived.
I think I need some help to figure out why I seem to lose friends/can't make many friends.
You don't let us in on enough information.
The best I can tell you is to see a therapist, like you mention. They're there to help you work through problems, and if friendship is a problem, then there you go.
If I'm looking for flaws, criticism - which seems to be what you're asking - my first impression is that maybe you're uptight? You mention your don't have any weirdness in your personality, but in a way, weirdness is normal. So I'm wondering... are you funny? Do you make people laugh?
I think that it could be your husband also. Keep him away from your future friends. No more double dating for you. I think it more natural to deal with friends without having the s/o and spouses around.
As to making new friends, try to fit some new group activities into your schedule. Do some volunteer work or get a part time job. What keeps you bonded to your old classmates is having that shared college experience. The volunteer work should have to do with a cause that you care a lot about. Doing volunteer work will give you that same common cause/passion bond that you need to forge new strong friendships. Ditto to getting part time work.
Does your husband have any close friends? I hope so, as again, keep your friends away from him.
If I'm looking for flaws, criticism - which seems to be what you're asking - my first impression is that maybe you're uptight? You mention your don't have any weirdness in your personality, but in a way, weirdness is normal.
Thank you everyone for your insights. Let me first address the issue of my husband thinking it's him: I really don't think it's him. My husband is the most wonderful, nicest, sweetest guy--he is highly emotionally intelligent also, and has never once said or done anything to make anyone uncomfortable. He is fabulous. He has no issues. He is more normal than me. I really don't think it's him. I think it's me. I am turning people off somehow.
I have thought about asking my one friend here, like someone mentioned, to give me an absolutely honest answer as to why I can't make friends. I've been too nervous to do this, however. I'm worried that asking her will make her drop me, too. But I think I'm going to ask her anyway. I just think she probably will try to not offend me and not tell me the truth, even if I ask her to just lay it all out. I did ask one of my college friends about two weeks ago, and she refused to answer me. People get uncomfortable when you ask them that kind of question. She is on a long vacation now but when she gets back I will ask her. I really want to work on this and change whatever it is that is the problem.
And as for the quoted post above, my husband did bring up that point. He said, "maybe the problem is that you're too normal. That everyone else has drama in their lives, and you don't have any."
I am a pretty normal person. I have no drama in my life. Maybe that turns people off. Hubby and I had a conversation about this the other day. He said, "maybe if we go to another social event and start complaining to people that we drive a crappy car and how we have trouble paying the rent that people will like us more." It's an intriguing idea.
Thank you everyone for your insights. Let me first address the issue of my husband thinking it's him: I really don't think it's him. My husband is the most wonderful, nicest, sweetest guy--he is highly emotionally intelligent also, and has never once said or done anything to make anyone uncomfortable. He is fabulous. He has no issues. He is more normal than me. I really don't think it's him. I think it's me. I am turning people off somehow.
I have thought about asking my one friend here, like someone mentioned, to give me an absolutely honest answer as to why I can't make friends. I've been too nervous to do this, however. I'm worried that asking her will make her drop me, too. But I think I'm going to ask her anyway. I just think she probably will try to not offend me and not tell me the truth, even if I ask her to just lay it all out. I did ask one of my college friends about two weeks ago, and she refused to answer me. People get uncomfortable when you ask them that kind of question. She is on a long vacation now but when she gets back I will ask her. I really want to work on this and change whatever it is that is the problem.
And as for the quoted post above, my husband did bring up that point. He said, "maybe the problem is that you're too normal. That everyone else has drama in their lives, and you don't have any."
I am a pretty normal person. I have no drama in my life. Maybe that turns people off. Hubby and I had a conversation about this the other day. He said, "maybe if we go to another social event and start complaining to people that we drive a crappy car and how we have trouble paying the rent that people will like us more." It's an intriguing idea.
Ask someone you trust in your family to give you an honest answer about these two questions...1) Is there any possibility you are the only one who sees your husband the way you do and could he be causing people to want to avoid you, and 2) what do they see about you that could possibly be turning people off.
There IS a reason this is happening, and it has nothing to do with the fact that you have "no drama" in your life.
Ask someone you trust in your family to give you an honest answer about these two questions...what do they see about you that could possibly be turning people off.
Well, the only people in my family I can really discuss this with is my parents. I don't have any siblings. I am not close with any other cousins/relatives (the only relative I was close with was this aunt). I would never ask my in-laws.
I have discussed this with my mother a bit, and the only response she said is: "they are jealous of you."
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Finally, the friend left to have a chance at having a normal life.
