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Life is so short. When he's gone do you want to look back and have let this split you apart without at least trying to mend the relationship?
One option is just apologize to your brother and ask for forgiveness. Tell him you are so sorry you weren't there for him and that he is important to you. It's ok to say you didn't understand how serious his health issue was, but don't dwell on excuses. Focus on apologizing. Even if you're not really sorry, just say it like you mean it. Ask him to give you another chance.
One request you could make after you apologize is ask him not to hold things inside, tell him if he ever feels wronged by you or if he needs something from you that he's not getting, please let you know right away because you want to correct it instead of having resentment build in him while you have no idea what he's feeling.
Personally I think this is bad advice and asking to be treated like a doormat. Relationships go both ways and takes 2 people trying to make them work. Plus lying about how you feel is disingenuous and not how you develop a close relationship.
If alcohol was not involved directly in his tirade, there may be a shift in his mental situation from the surgery.
I have known several older people who had some issues before a procedure really deteriorate after having anesthesia. It just really affected them and they never made a full mental recovery. There was probably some ongoing brain damage before from another source but the surgery pushed them over the edge. Doctors are aware of the effects of anesthesia on some of the elderly. It was discussed with us before a parent’s operation but luckily no ill effects.
Perhaps you could have a calm conversation about his rage and abrupt change of mind and hopefully get to the actual cause. If not, do not allow a family member to verbally abuse you. Sometimes a cooling off period is needed.
If alcohol was not involved directly in his tirade, there may be a shift in his mental situation from the surgery.
I have known several older people who had some issues before a procedure really deteriorate after having anesthesia. It just really affected them and they never made a full mental recovery. There was probably some ongoing brain damage before from another source but the surgery pushed them over the edge. Doctors are aware of the effects of anesthesia on some of the elderly. It was discussed with us before a parent’s operation but luckily no ill effects.
Perhaps you could have a calm conversation about his rage and abrupt change of mind and hopefully get to the actual cause. If not, do not allow a family member to verbally abuse you. Sometimes a cooling off period is needed.
Yes, this.
Also, just wonder if the sister said something, maybe a harmless comment, that set him off irrationally.
That's an easy and light-hearted thing to say when you filter it through your own experience. But in this case people are talking about concern for health and feeling a need for connection and understanding.
I don't think those needs and connections can be so flippantly ignored.
Sometimes turning your back on a problem, while it frees you from responsibility, can create even more concerning emotional issues down the road.
There comes a point where you have to cut people off including family members for your own mental sake! Maybe it's just my ice cold heart because I cut my own mother off for years at one point
I'm rather ambivalent about cutting off my brother because it's just the three of us now. A couple years ago I posted a thread on how my aunt/cousins, who live in another state, treated me when I stopped in to see them (mind you, she's our ONE surviving aunt - all our other elders have passed away).
In case you're curious, that thread is: "I'm floored by my relatives' actions" and it's in this forum.
my wife had to cut off her brother for similar behavior.
sporatic and vulgar language and no idea about when or why it would happen.
promise one thing and do another. ask for favors and insult the result.
his adult children cut-him-off years before my wife decided enough was enough.
sometimes it just is not worth the effort/time/and enduring the threats.
First, I would certainly have ASKED my brother about his procedure in the hospital and not just assumed it was minor or that he didn't need visitors or that he couldn't have visitors. It sure sounds like you both just fluffed it off and, indeed, weren't very supportive or even particularly interested, so I don't blame him for feeling hurt about it, either then or now. Being unmarried and childless (alone) I'm sure made him feel even more vulnerable then.
Second, why was there no Christmas get-together in '21 or at least in '22? Covid wasn't stopping much from happening by then. You don't live that far apart; do you NEVER get together?
Third, after pushing for this reunion, he just called you up out of the blue and ranted at you about something that happened years ago? What transpired in between those two events; what was said and by whom? Again it seems like part of the story is conspicuously missing.
As for all the "just cut him off" advice, what a sad commentary.
Is it possible that his feelings are just that— his feelings? Some people hold stuff in and then finally spew it out. Doesn’t necessarily mean they are crazy, have dementia or are alcoholics and even if they are any of those things, that does not mean their feelings have no validity.
I think the OP should think about how her brother perceived those things as Ottahere described. Then sincerely apologize.
Also since OP mentioned birth order with her being the ‘baby’ —forgive me not being able to relate to the way people hold on to those roles for their entire life—- but it seems as though the OP wants him to be the ‘mature’ one and let her off the hook for a possible error.
I’m glad you OP do not want to cut him off, so please consider giving value to his feelings eve if you were understandably caught off guard.
Is it possible that his feelings are just that— his feelings?
Also since OP mentioned birth order with her being the ‘baby’ —forgive me not being able to relate to the way people hold on to those roles for their entire life—- but it seems as though the OP wants him to be the ‘mature’ one and let her off the hook for a possible error.
Agree. Feelings aren't always rational or reasonable. The emotional "side" of the mind doesn't always listen to the rest. It wants its hurts acknowledged. It also wants what it wants when it wants it. Maybe he did bottle up some past hurt in a less-than healthy way but it's possible he refused to acknowledge it at the time or he was embarrassed by it. Whatever. There was probably some little catalyst that launched the tirade years later. I think I would make some attempt to find out what that catalyst was and try to neutralize it before cutting off the relationship.
The comment about birth order was very interesting. Might be something there. Maybe he's just sick and tired of others always expecting him to be the adult in the room. It's possible he downplayed that hospital procedure to spare other family members worry. Unfortunately, the backlash of doing so set him up for the whole incident to be dismissed. He may have wanted someone to show concern about him anyway...but no one did. Obviously, I don't know any of the people involved here but I do know if a family member or friend mentioned a hospital procedure to me, no matter how minor, I'd at least make a mental note of it and ask how everything went. Of course, if he never mentioned it, the result rests squarely on his shoulders. No one I know has a crystal ball about stuff like that. Maybe the anger he showed was misplaced. He is actually angry at himself.
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-28-2023 at 04:07 PM..
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