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Then what in heaven's name are you complaining about?
Truly, this sounds like manufactured drama on your part.
Further, you don't get to tell others how to express their sympathies and commiseration, even for something minor like a papercut. I gently suggest that you, sha!l we say, get over yourself.
You are free to ignore this thread if all you have to contribute is criticism for me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye
One of my friends says “I’m sorry” all the time. I’ve had several talks with her about it and have asked her to stop saying that. But she doesn’t. She will say it for everything. And she means it, gets fearful and teary eyed. If I say, “I’m so tired” or I don’t like chocolate” or “the weather is bad today” her first reply is always a timid “I’m sorry…” I’m to the point now where I nearly yell at her “stop saying that” and she will say, you guessed it, “I’m sorry…” She had a very traumatic childhood and thinks everything is her fault. So did I. She is 55 years old. We all deal with things differently but this is annoying.
And in a serious situation like a death, limb amputation, or finding out someone has cancer, its far more acceptable to express the deeper feelings conveyed by "I'm so sorry". When they have a hangnail or a headache, it isn't, it comes across as fairly obsequious. Not sure if that's the best word but its not a positive impression. One of those other phrases I listed, and many others, are far more appropriate when deep feeling is simply not called for.
It must be a culture thing. I have always been around people in which it is expected to say "I'm sorry" if someone mentions that s/he has a headache, for example.* It is just an acknowledgment that you heard them and empathize, and nothing more than that. In a way, it is like saying to someone, "How are you?" Not many people take that as anything more than a greeting, with a "Fine, thanks. How are you?", with a "Fine, thanks" given in reply -- and only after that can the real conversation start, lol. No one actually expects to give or receive any kind of real health report -- except for some old people I have known.
*I'm from and am now once again living in the Midwest, and although I lived in SoCal and Colorado for a long time, no one seemed to take offense at all with my apologizing "all the time". The OP should probably skip this, but for anyone who doesn't know about "Midwest apologizing", here you go:
It must be a culture thing. I have always around people in which it is expected to say "I'm sorry" if someone has a headache, for example.* It is just an acknowledgment that you heard them and empathize, and nothing more than that. In a way, it is like saying to someone, "How are you?" Not many people take that as anything more than a greeting, to which a "Fine, thanks. How are you?" No one expects any kind of health report, except for some old people I have known. The OP should probably skip this, but for anyone who doesn't know about "Midwest apologizing", here you go:
*I'm from and now living in the Midwest, and although I lived in SoCal and Colorado for a long time, no one seemed to take offense at all with that.
That's different (I grew up in the Midwest). I'm not talking about casual stranger-in-the-store type I'm sorrys. I will do that too sometimes although I prefer the more appropriate "excuse me" because in fact I am not sorry that I need to get past someone in the aisle. Why should I be?
I'm talking about expressing sincere heartfelt sorriness for the most trifling of life's inconveniences on a regular basis, with friends. Its exhausting and annoying. Most Midwesterners do not do this, in fact I can only think of 2 people in my life who have been chronic sorry sayers and neither is from the Midwest.
So I know this person that texts me and complains endlessly. It's tiring to hear about everything wrong with the world, so I began to apologize for all the trouble inflicted by this stupid world.
She soon got tired of that and has stopped texting me.
And that I'm not sorry about. I'm just passing this method along in case you have one of these in your life.
So that's where the Canadians got it... But respect is a 2 way street. I'm sure there are things you wouldn't want people saying to you all the time. That's your right. This is mine. Other things that show caring can usually be substituted for "I'm sorry" when the person had nothing to do with the event.
That's a shame
That's too bad
That sucks
Did it hurt?
That must have hurt.
That happened to me once
Wouldn't you know it?
Do you need help with that?
That doesn't sound good.
This isn't your lucky day, is it?
If anything can go wrong, it will.
and a hundred other things
Nobody in the history of the world has ever said "But are you sorry? Where's my apology?" when someone said one of those things, unless the other person was at fault.
OP, I'm confused.
Does your friend say "I'm sorry" to express empathy for you when something crappy happens to you (instead of the above alternate responses)?
Or does she excuse herself all the time for things that really need no apology, such as "Sorry if I've already told you this," or "Sorry, I know I'm probably boring you," or "Sorry if I called you at a bad time" or "Sorry if I'm bothering you" ...... All of which I agree can get old after awhile.
Can you give some examples to make this clearer?
Plenty of people say "I'm sorry" meaning "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you." If you say that you got a flat tire and had to wait an hour for a tow truck, it's not unusual for the other person to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" without meaning that they are taking responsibility for the incident.
Does your friend say "I'm sorry" to express empathy for you when something crappy happens to you (instead of the above alternate responses)?
Or does she excuse herself all the time for things that really need no apology, such as "Sorry if I've already told you this," or "Sorry, I know I'm probably boring you," or "Sorry if I called you at a bad time" or "Sorry if I'm bothering you" ...... All of which I agree can get old after awhile.
Can you give some examples to make this clearer?
Plenty of people say "I'm sorry" meaning "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you." If you say that you got a flat tire and had to wait an hour for a tow truck, it's not unusual for the other person to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" without meaning that they are taking responsibility for the incident.
I think I've said enough. The internet parasites have already found enough for their blood meal here.
You were direct (by text I assume) about your wishes, she took it as a criticism and is perhaps hurt or stung by the criticism so she has ceased texting. You knew she had low self-esteem and many people with low self-esteem are sensitive to criticism. It would seem to me this should have been an expected reaction.
If you are concerned about her feelings, you could say, "I regret my comments may have been hurtful to you because I value our friendship."
Last edited by Maddie104; 09-07-2021 at 07:44 AM..
You were direct (by text I assume) about your wishes, she took it as a criticism and is perhaps hurt or stung by the criticism so she has ceased texting. You knew she had low self-esteem and many people with low self-esteem are sensitive to criticism. It would seem to me this should have been an expected reaction.
It isn't all that surprising, in hindsight. But it is what it is. As much as people with nothing positive to contribute would like to paint me as a beast for having feelings of my own in the matter, that's hardly the case. If not texting me anymore is her solution, so be it. That's her right and I respect it.
It isn't all that surprising, in hindsight. But it is what it is. As much as people with nothing positive to contribute would like to paint me as a beast for having feelings of my own in the matter, that's hardly the case. If not texting me anymore is her solution, so be it. That's her right and I respect it.
I am not painting you as a beast. I am pointing out that some people don't have the mental toughness to handle perceived criticism so that is their reaction. Perhaps, in her mind, you don't like her as much as she thought.
It comes across that you care about her so I did add:
If you are concerned about her feelings, you could say, "I regret my comments may have been hurtful to you because I value our friendship."[/quote]
I am not painting you as a beast. I am pointing out that some people don't have the mental toughness to handle perceived criticism so that is their reaction. Perhaps, in her mind, you don't like her as much as she thought.
It comes across that you care about her so I did add:
If you are concerned about her feelings, you could say, "I regret my comments may have been hurtful to you because I value our friendship."
No worries, i wasn't referring to you.
But I'm not going to get into expressing remorse, regret or atonement for asserting my needs in a polite respectful way. That would only invite more of the same.
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