Never had emotional support from friends

[jbgusa]

Originally Posted by sportslover

I always see these random quotes on social media from self-help gurus who always tell people to find friends that support their goals and dreams and who lift you up when you need to be lifted up. I have never experienced this type of friendship though. Most friends that i have ever had would make fun of me or mock my personality and i never felt comfortable around them. I have never had friends that encouraged me to pursue a goal i had or that was a shoulder to cry on in tough times. What am I missing? Are friendships just meant to be shallow now and all about when you can hang out with someone?

You have described a number of necessary functions in friendship:

1. Friends that support their goals and dreams; and
2. who lift you up when you need to be lifted up;

To that I would add:

1. Friends who render unstinting, critical solid advice, see Another Take on Frank Advice.

Some friends are for one or two of those three. Personally I value the third the most. This is from interactions with someone who is among my closest friends, and has been for most of the time since I met him in a high school corridor in October 1972. Let's call him "Sam" (name changed)

Originally Posted by My Toast to Friend Sam at 60th birthday party, June 2017

I first met Sam (name changed) during October 1972. The first time I spoke with him, or rather he spoke with me, I did not even know who he was. He correctly took me to task for a comment that was not especially appropriate. He did so in a businesslike manner which is memorable to this day, especially considering that we were 15 the time.

One of the many great things about Sam is his utter frankness. If you ask him for advice, he gives advice. And without sugarcoating or equivocation. It is because of this, not in spite of this, that we have been friends for almost 45 years. I doubt that my experiences are unique.

I had sent the copied text as a draft. His wife, after the party, responded:

Originally Posted by Response from Sam's Wife

You spoke the truth about Sam. The fact that he doesn't sugarcoat his feelings or thoughts, caused me to be very angry with him often. Then I would eventually forget why I was angry. Instead of counting his faults, I started to count his goodness and there are many. He certainly considers you as a dear old friend of his. This is precious for both of you to have true friendship over several decades.

There were two particular contexts to this exchange.

TELLING OF OFFENSIVE JOKE

The first was that the very first time I met him, during October 1972 and before I even knew his name, I made a "Rabbi, Lawyer, Priest" type of joke at the high school weather station. I hadn't met Sam yet, and his last name is decidedly not Jewish. He interrupted the joke (which I was telling someone else named Alan, who is Jewish) saying "JBGUSA, don't you have pride in your people and their accomplishments...." I realized he was right and, combined with my father's death about three months later, I developed a deep and abiding interest in Judaism. I consider myself an "active Reform Jew."

RECEIPT OF URGENTLY NEEDED ADVICE

Fast forward to end of October 1976. We had graduated high school and I went on to Cornell, him to Yale. At the time I had very few friends at college, and was rather unhappy. Maybe a bit of adolescent angst, maybe a bit of awkwardness and depression mixed in. After going with him and his suite-mates to a Yale-Cornell football game and an Earth Wind & Fire concert, and we were walking back to his dorm at Yale, I said I wanted to talk to him privately. He was exhausted and somewhat reluctant but I pressed.

We went to a pizza place, and I basically said "I notice how easily you mingle and seem to have lots of friends. As you know from our home town I really don't and it's worse, if anything, at Cornell." I said, "just lay it out, don't worry about my feelings." He started out by saying "JBGUSA, I see lots of problems," and started with the fact that I came across as insecure, using the word "nervous." He went on from there for close to an hour, almost without interruption. Later he said that if I hadn't made that approach the two of us would not have been in touch very much. Obviously we were given that I was at his 30th, 50th, 55th, 59th and 60th birthdays, his stepdaughter's wedding and his daughter's Bat Mitzvah and wedding.

I see people who "tell it like it is" as a great source of advice. That can be followed by friendship, or just using the advice for whatever it's worth. But don't people pay self-improvement/motivational types, psychologists and psychiatrists lots of money for often very muddled advice?



While being supported in goals and dream and being lifted up when you need to be lifted up may be very important short term, a drinking buddy can do that. Getting honest feedback on how you can improve is harder. Here's another example.

Back in 1999 I was at a very different acquaintance's bachelor party (the marriage didn't last). He said "Jim, you're putting on weight" and had much the same to say in 2017 when we gathered for a mini-reunion. Another one of my friends asked if I was offended. I said "no, it's true and that's all I cared about." I proceeded to lose 30 pounds, 20 of which are still off.

[oh-eve]

Originally Posted by sportslover

I always see these random quotes on social media from self-help gurus who always tell people to find friends that support their goals and dreams and who lift you up when you need to be lifted up. I have never experienced this type of friendship though. Most friends that i have ever had would make fun of me or mock my personality and i never felt comfortable around them. I have never had friends that encouraged me to pursue a goal i had or that was a shoulder to cry on in tough times. What am I missing? Are friendships just meant to be shallow now and all about when you can hang out with someone?

Originally Posted by Christinepurple

I, too, had been looking for emotional support from the friends I've had and had. I have found they seem to be in their own world centered on themselves. Not to be a wise guy or anything but the only real people I have found that are emotionally supportive are counselors and then sometimes not even them. It seems to be a cruel world out there doesn't it?

No. The key is to choose the right people and then nurse that relationship. Give back what you receive as in time and effort. If you choose to be around shallow people, you get shallow "friendships."

I am not sure how old you two are, but I noticed that it was hard in my 20s to find good people because a lot of folks are still all over the place mentally and I was not able yet to distinguish who is sincere and who is just a drive by "friend" or just wants to use me for their advantage.

I recommend taking up a hobby and meeting new people there. Figure out who has a good personality.

You have something in common by talking about the hobby and show genuine interest in it and the other people doing it. Ask questions about them, suggest to meet doing other stuff, invite them over. Be a friend and you will get a friend.

I make friends through work or hobbies usually.

[Seija]

To have a friend, you must first be a friend. What have you done to support those around you?

[lightness05]

Originally Posted by sportslover

I always see these random quotes on social media from self-help gurus who always tell people to find friends that support their goals and dreams and who lift you up when you need to be lifted up.

Maybe you misconstrue what they are saying. You hear it as "find permanent friends". While they may mean "find people who support your goals". Notice the difference? "People", not "friends". If you run, - find a group of runners. If you mountain bike, - the mountain bikers would be your support group (cheering on each other). Even something small: playing chess in a park, - those chess players are inherently cheering on each other, and eventually get to know each other.