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Should I send a text saying "I don't think you're not cool" or something? I'm not sure how other people would interpret a text like that...if it would make me look like a push-over. I don't want her to feel bad. I want her to be happy. I just want my own space, and to carve my own new relationships.
I wouldn't send that text. It's just opening up lines of communication, which she may run with and continue. She obviously thinks "she's cool now" so I doubt she's feeling bad. She's probably happy too. Just go about your life; it doesn't need to include them.
Yes, they are a drive-able distance from me and called this morning to declare they were coming, and then I shut that idea down.
Whether she's overreacting or not, I don't want this to have a negative impact on her. She really did seem to be freaking out saying "That's so mean" and calling me names, and was serious in saying "she's cooler now and [i] would like [her]." I want to part ways but I also don't want this to cause her any of these negative feelings she's got.
Sounds like you really do want contact with them. If you didn't, it would be easy not to.
Yes, they are a drive-able distance from me and called this morning to declare they were coming, and then I shut that idea down.
Whether she's overreacting or not, I don't want this to have a negative impact on her. She really did seem to be freaking out saying "That's so mean" and calling me names, and was serious in saying "she's cooler now and [i] would like [her]." I want to part ways but I also don't want this to cause her any of these negative feelings she's got.
Don't think there's any way to avoid creating some negative impact. She obviously has a different view/memory of the relationships and functions surrounding this family than you do. It could be an attempt to manipulate you, keep her bullying victim available, or to shift blame for past behavior from her shoulders onto yours. Maybe she doesn't even see that. Maybe she's had some epiphany about her past behavior, but that doesn't mean your memory of it isn't valid. If she feels guilty about something that's for her to come to peace with. People's wounds do scar over but that doesn't mean the wounds disappear. It is telling that she still feels its OK to insult you and can't see why you might still choose to disconnect. That's a fundamental lack of awareness, even denial. It is still your choice to make, not hers.
I had a nasty bullying sister too. She never left me alone picking vicious fight after fight, humiliating me year in year out. My parents, though basically decent people who wouldn't treat anyone like that, didn't seem to know how to intercede. I think they simply had no experience with such a bully. Eventually, after both of us were out in the working world, there was one final blowup. I cut all contact with her. We didn't speak for years. Then she tried to reconnect. Apparently I'd become someone she now saw value in associating with. She also tried to guilt me into a new relationship claiming she'd changed, and tried to play the "you're being unreasonable" gambit. I saw it as her trying to reel me back into range again. Took a very long time but I finally was forced into reconnecting because we had to work together to settle a parent's estate (something to consider for the future OP). So, I did, but on a cautious, superficial level and kept a keen eye on how she treated everyone. The bullying hypercritical traits were still there, just more subdued. I suspect she's been "humbled" in a couple other of her relationships so had to become a little more devious, but I don't really want to know. We are now civil, but everything is still tenuous. I keep it superficial and wait for her to initiate. If she does something nice, I respond in kind. If something bad happens to her I commiserate, express sympathy and don't wish her ill, (I'm not an ogre after all), but I don't really get involved other than that.
Last edited by Parnassia; 01-10-2021 at 02:32 PM..
If they show up at your door uninvited call the cops. Why are they doing this now after years of not being involved? Did you win the lottery?
Quote:
Originally Posted by darknessbeforeday
Yes, they are a drive-able distance from me and called this morning to declare they were coming, and then I shut that idea down.
Whether she's overreacting or not, I don't want this to have a negative impact on her. She really did seem to be freaking out saying "That's so mean" and calling me names, and was serious in saying "she's cooler now and [i] would like [her]." I want to part ways but I also don't want this to cause her any of these negative feelings she's got.
You are not responsible for their feelings. People are responsible for their own feelings. Don't let anyone lay a guilt trip on you. It's psychological manipulation and emotional blackmail. It's a huge red flag when people do that.
If it were me, I'd just continue to ignore them, and don't respond. Make sure you keep your doors locked, and if anyone shows up acting the fool, you call the police.
This.
They cannot force you to have a relationship.
But there is much more to the story that you have not shared, no?
The fact that they are aggressive and threatening about wanting to reconnect is a bit of a red flag. If they really wanted to apologize for the past mistreatment and start afresh, they'd approach it more civilly. Not act like bullies.
You're waffling because they're "family" and we often feel guilt and obligation when it comes to family, even when they're dysfunctional or toxic. We feel like we have to give them another chance, and another, and another ... despite it being bad for our mental health and safety.
I'd use the pandemic as an excuse for why they cannot show up to your home or meet in person. You don't know how careful/careless they are about keeping safe from the virus. If they show up at your door, there is no law that says you must open the door to them.
Have you tried just having a phone conversation or video chat? How are they communicating with you? If you suspect they'll hit you up for money, "No" is a complete sentence. Or if you want to get chatty "No, that doesn't work for me" is also a complete sentence. Don't divulge anything about your finances or much else about your personal business - that's none of their or anyone else's business. Keep the conversation light and neutral. Change the subject if they get intrusive. If it's clear they will bring nothing positive to your life, do not feel obligated to maintain a relationship beyond the odd Christmas or birthday card. And even that is optional.
The fact that they are aggressive and threatening about wanting to reconnect is a bit of a red flag. If they really wanted to apologize for the past mistreatment and start afresh, they'd approach it more civilly. Not act like bullies.
You're waffling because they're "family" and we often feel guilt and obligation when it comes to family, even when they're dysfunctional or toxic. We feel like we have to give them another chance, and another, and another ... despite it being bad for our mental health and safety.
I'd use the pandemic as an excuse for why they cannot show up to your home or meet in person. You don't know how careful/careless they are about keeping safe from the virus. If they show up at your door, there is no law that says you must open the door to them.
Have you tried just having a phone conversation or video chat? How are they communicating with you? If you suspect they'll hit you up for money, "No" is a complete sentence. Or if you want to get chatty "No, that doesn't work for me" is also a complete sentence. Don't divulge anything about your finances or much else about your personal business - that's none of their or anyone else's business. Keep the conversation light and neutral. Change the subject if they get intrusive. If it's clear they will bring nothing positive to your life, do not feel obligated to maintain a relationship beyond the odd Christmas or birthday card. And even that is optional.
I completely agree with the first 3 paragraphs. Really good points!
My concern with opening the door to regular communication beyond texting (and the OP at this point hasn't responded to texts, if I understood correctly) is, that it would put the OP constantly on the defensive, constantly having to erect boundaries. You're so right, that their manner/tone so far indicates, that they're not people who would respect boundaries, feelings, or anything else. And a further excellent point was, that dealing with dysfunctional (and in this case, apparently--aggressive) family members is stressful and bad for one's mental (and physical) health.
I think it would be too risky for the OP to wade into that morass. As you pointed out, they haven't demonstrated contrition. Instead, they've been threatening to storm his fortress, and talk about how "cool" they are now (narcissism, anyone?). That's worrisome. Not at all a good sign.
The pandemic is your first great excuse not to see them, of course. Once it’s over, if they persist perhaps you can meet halfway at a restaurant. Bring a friend. Have an exit plan.
I have younger cousins I’m not crazy about. We’ve gotten together once to satisfy everyone’s desire to do so. I don’t care to see them again.
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