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To preface this is about a family member and myself involving a third member we all regard.
My aunt J, my uncle M, and myself Are legally bound to provide medical decisions involving another family member. Let's call him Patrick.
Patrick is a senior. Alert and ambulatory. Patrick also relies on us for daily errands and daily tasks: cleaning, laundry,cooking,medical advice,appts.
Yesterday Patrick had a massive stroke.
Patrick had released his bed rail which allows him to walk to the bathroom. He uses the rail to gain some balance. Well he fell to the side during the stroke and his head bumped the bedside.
My aunt received word and after a briefing ...she became so angry. I stopped the rant by saying I cannot continue this conversation. I didn't deserve her disrespect. That when things settle we can hear one another out. That I did understand she was advocating on his behalf. She stopped and then took it up a notch. Needless to say she ended it by saying... Never again. Never again will I trust you!
I was so hurt I simply said...duly noted . To acknowledge I did hear her out and will give thought to her viewpt.
How can I Garner a middle ground though?
Any thoughts ? I've waited and hoped she would call.
She lives 300 miles away so I know she feels helpless in not being able to help. I am just deeply sad that when family could pull together....this is dividing us.
I am so sorry.
You said "My aunt J, my uncle M, and myself Are legally bound to provide medical decisions involving another family member.". I am confused. Who is the actual, legal medical POA for Patrick? I believe that normally one person is named as primary and then other people can be listed in order of preference. While all of them may discuss things and share information it is the responsibility of the person listed as primary to make the final decisions in all medical issues.
Your aunt was probably in shock and very upset after this first happened. I bet that she will calm down soon.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-03-2020 at 12:36 PM..
Your Aunt is likely stressed, scared, worried and feels helpless since she’s 300 miles away. I bet her reaction was pure emotion.
She needs time to process it and realize it was not preventable (it sounds like Patrick didn’t require round the clock care/supervision). And that’s the thing about strokes, often there are no symptoms or warning signs that it’s about to happen.
I am so sorry.
You said "My aunt J, my uncle M, and myself Are legally bound to provide medical decisions involving another family member.". I am confused. Who is the actual, legal medical POA for Patrick? I believe that normally one person is named as primary and then other people can be listed in order of preference. While all of them may discuss things and share information it is the responsibility of the person listed as primary to make the final decisions in all medical issues.
Your aunt was probably in shock and very upset after this first happened. I bet that she will calm down soon.
Yup. Who is first in line?? And what could you have done to prevent anything?
Thank you each for the questions and the voice of reason.
Each of us is equally durable. So says the document drawn up and sworn in.
This afternoon only two of us uncle m and I were in conference with the medical team to make some hard decisions. Patrick could not be brought out of his semi conscious state. He's in limbo and not responding to simple directives. We've chosen to commit to his living health care will that specifies his medical directives.
He ,in a few days, will be in the comfort of my home. We will start the process of clearing out his place. He has at best two weeks to live. I want it to be in a place where he knows we can be there day and night. The hospice center would only allow one person. So uncle m and I would have had to alternate. We didn't think that would be easy to facilitate with the center.
My aunt though is only giving her directives thru uncle m.
My energy is going forward to his care. The ball can stay in her court. My actions in tending to his last wishes are mine to full fill. If that doesn't speak volumes in how trustworthy and caring...then I don't think short of being a saint will ease her mind.
More information is needed to provide advice. What did she think she "couldn't trust you" with? You couldn't have stopped him from getting out of bed short of tying him down.
To preface this is about a family member and myself involving a third member we all regard.
My aunt J, my uncle M, and myself Are legally bound to provide medical decisions involving another family member. Let's call him Patrick.
Patrick is a senior. Alert and ambulatory. Patrick also relies on us for daily errands and daily tasks: cleaning, laundry,cooking,medical advice,appts.
Yesterday Patrick had a massive stroke.
Patrick had released his bed rail which allows him to walk to the bathroom. He uses the rail to gain some balance. Well he fell to the side during the stroke and his head bumped the bedside.
My aunt received word and after a briefing ...she became so angry. I stopped the rant by saying I cannot continue this conversation. I didn't deserve her disrespect. That when things settle we can hear one another out. That I did understand she was advocating on his behalf. She stopped and then took it up a notch. Needless to say she ended it by saying... Never again. Never again will I trust you!
I was so hurt I simply said...duly noted . To acknowledge I did hear her out and will give thought to her viewpt.
How can I Garner a middle ground though?
Any thoughts ? I've waited and hoped she would call.
She lives 300 miles away so I know she feels helpless in not being able to help. I am just deeply sad that when family could pull together....this is dividing us.
Moments like this reveal character. Mind you, I don't know what exactly you told your aunt, so I don't know what she is reacting to. Nevertheless, unless you did something unethical or completely boneheaded, you didn't deserve this reaction.
As an aside, I don't understand the "Well, she was upset so she was just lashing out" excuse. If we all did that, we'd have nonstop arguments in moments of fear and pain. It's a selfish action that does nothing but make the situation worse.
Moments like this reveal character. Mind you, I don't know what exactly you told your aunt, so I don't know what she is reacting to. Nevertheless, unless you did something unethical or completely boneheaded, you didn't deserve this reaction.
As an aside, I don't understand the "Well, she was upset so she was just lashing out" excuse. If we all did that, we'd have nonstop arguments in moments of fear and pain. It's a selfish action that does nothing but make the situation worse.
I've known people like that, who have these strong and irrational moments in high stress situations. Not everyone rises to the occasion so-to-speak. For my stepson (for example) everything seems to be a high stress situation, and he takes it out on others. (But interestingly, never me.)
Nov3, I'm sorry this happened. She surely made a bad situation worse, and you got the brunt of it. I hope someday, she will come around, and offer you an apology.
I'll be honest...I DO wonder, if I were in your aunt's shoes, if I would've struck out like that. I'm sure she struck out in pain. Not to excuse the behavior...but I think I get it.
Plus, it occurs to me that perhaps she feels some guilt for being so far away, and unable to do more to help. Maybe she struck out at you, to deflect any comments about her not doing more. Not that you necessarily would've...but maybe she feels guilty.
I think both minidriver and sassy make some good points to consider.
Thank you for taking time to post.
Since originally posting this,our family lost Patrick. I've been barely holding it together.
Now it's documents and filing items. So the stress is more defined.
My Aunt is the only one named in the will to receive all estate items. Which will have her pretty set for her retiring years...she is 78 and recently widowed. Glad that her brother made her the heir. She is NOW taking it up to an abusive tone when talking to me. I chose to step back and see her side. Even wrote a lovely letter to seek peace between us. Yet she won't receiveve it for a few days. Til then I get an irrate aunt ranting and then she cuts off the call. I basically get a hello out of my mouth and she rants at my ineptness. I figured out she only gets a small piece of facts and goes on a rampage. For you see, today my uncle M, couldn't leave his house to retrieve Patrick's legals docs. So I said I would retreive them and scan them to his email. Little did I know that would send my aunt over the edge. She was angry that I didn't send them to her too since she is the sole heir! Then she poured it on saying....how dare you send him email attachments! He isn't tech savvy! Thats just dumb of you! Mail the D$$$#! (Curse curse) and stop making this difficult on us!!! ..
Now mind you it was my uncle m that said to email him the docs! He is the executor of the will.But my aunt never let me clarify that. She just ended the call. I now half regret trying to find peace...she is not allowing a conversation to flow. It's just degrading comments and chastising. That's not how I wish to be treated.
I would suggest cutting off communications at this time. You definitely do not need to be her punching bag, especially at this so very trying time. It's not clear if you're the only one that's receiving this crap treatment or if this is out of character for her. It could be very possible that she's losing her faculty-- but let other family members deal with that if she is. Her latest outburst makes her sound greedy but these things usually take time, whether she likes it or not. Just take a break from her, you're right: you don't deserve to be treated like that.
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