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I've watched money problems destroy relationships my entire life. And I learned a lesson during my teenage years, with friends wanting to borrow books, CDs, clothes, whatever at the time.
1. When it's money, I have a strict NO LOAN policy. If my circumstances are good and my judgment is that I want to help someone out, that is at my discretion but it is framed as a gift. If I cannot afford to simply GIVE it to them, then they do not get it. If they want to repay me, they can at some point but I'm not going to become a collection agent on my friends. I would rather give freely and not carry the baggage of a debt. Can't afford to do that? Well then "Sorry, I cannot help you."
One time I had a friend who was having major issues with a landlord, and her family was facing homelessness. The help she needed was to relocate to a place where her parents lived, to get some temporary support. I sold a piece of valuable art to a collectors community (to a friend, who would treasure it, whereas I had it stored away in a box) and gave her the proceeds to help her out. That is the kind of "being there as a friend" that I feel completely fine about doing.
Friends who ask, from time to time, or seem to view me as a resource to tap...get cut out of my life. I'm nobody's payday lender. This includes my own mother, so I don't really care how many years of history we've got or anything else. You take advantage of me, you're gone.
2. Never lend any material possession that you own, unless you are completely fine with never seeing it again, and/or can replace it easily if need be. Books are the main example, there are books I want friends to read and have lent to them, and I know I might never get it back, but it's ok because I also know I can get another one. And I don't mind throwing some extra money at a writer or musician that I like enough to recommend to my friends. It's not a lot. It's no big deal.
These policies are needful to protect my relationships and my own self respect. I do not support freeloaders or take in strays, generally speaking, and it sounds like the situation in the OP is perilously close to that.
Loaning money to people (in general) is not a good idea, especially if they ask or start acting pitiful trying to solicit you to offer. MAJOR red flag that they're a moocher (friend, family, or otherwise). 95% of the time it will damage the relationship. Giving someone sound advice for them to help themselves is more helpful than forking over money. There are rare occasions with people you overwhelmingly trust that a small, short-term loan (with details in writing so there's no confusion on either part) where it might be ok. But, overall, I would not advise it. As to this person you speak of, she's no friend. If she was, she wouldn't be using you like this. With her obnoxious behaviour, you own her no explanation, other than explaining to her that you're on to her little ruse. Personally, I'd totally cut off all communication. She's history.
I am guessing she sees you have a comfortable lifestyle and doesn't, for some strange reason, realize you had to work for it.
Tell her she has never paid back past loans and that you don't feel it is in your best interest to continue to be her Cash cow. Ok, say it nicer..... you need to save for retirement, have had unexpected expenses, etc. I suspect that this friendship is on it's way out. She has had 40 years to get herself together. If you continue giving her money she will be "borrowing" from you until death do you part.
We are lucky in that we have a decent financial situation. I have a friend who struggles as a single mom and she sees our relative comfort as an invitation to borrow money. I never expect it back though she always claims it's a loan.
Recently we have been able to hire her freelance for some work and this has been a better arrangement than asking for money. She injured herself and can't do her regular job so despite the fact that I just paid her, she's asking for another loan. At 40 she is perpetually overdrawn. I just can't do it anymore.
I said "no sorry I can't." And she wanted an explanation. I didn't give one but just repeated that I can't help out. I thought it was pretty nervy to ask why. Has anyone been successful in cutting off this type of constant borrower?
There is no faster way to lose a friend than to borrow money or lend money to them. Simply say, I don't want money to become a problem in our friendship, and stand your ground. She is always going to be needy and you will end up holding the (empty) bag when she bails out on you.
I don't do well with "friends" who are always asking for things, whether it's monetary or otherwise. I have a hard time with telling people no, and when I do I also tend to agonize over the situation (did I handle it correctly, did I offend the person, etc.). So, I try to avoid developing relationships with people as soon as I realize they are the type who will regularly be asking for favors. I do enjoy helping friends, especially if it's on my own initiative, but I'd cut someone out of my life who thinks it's ok to (1) repeatedly ask me for loans and (2) ask for an explanation when I say no, on top of providing them paid work.
Friends and family do not know our financial situation, it's not their business, and we do not discuss it. I can't think of anyone who would ask to borrow money, we would have to be the ones to offer.
There are only a couple people I would offer larger sums to, one is my sister.. and I can't think of another.
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Just say no. She will try again until the message sinks in. If she still wants to be friends with no loans, fine. If not, no loss. One thing I have learned is never feel sorry for anyone. When you do they resent it, and have to get even with you to get their self esteem back.
the only way i can think of it making sense to borrow is to have a contract on a piece of paper for it being returned, within a certain time frame. that would give some accountability to any *voluntary* loan. otherwise, why be forced to do it or coerced? yr either ready or want to do this favor, or not. the above relationship advice from other posters is reasonable.
Never offer an explanation or a reason for declining to loan money or for saying no to anything else. It just gives the other person an opening to continue to pressure you and offers them an opportunity for rebuttal. Just tell them no and stop talking. If they want an explanation, just tell them "because it would be impossible." Repeat as necessary. They won't like it, but that's their problem. You don't owe them an explanation, and you do not need approval for whatever your reason is for saying "no." And that's actually a good response to "Why?" when you tell them no. "I don't need your approval for declining to loan you money."
Sounds like it's time to cut this friend loose so she can find another patron.
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