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OP described the friend as a "good friend" ... maybe I have too many classifications of friends, but I wouldn't do it for a "good friend". I would travel for my best friends' immediate family (as they traveled for my father's and mother's funerals), but I wouldn't travel for their grandmother-in-law.
I wouldn’t go just because it’s taking place - if your friend just thinks you are all obligated to go just because, then that’s asking a bit much, and actually it could be seen as rude if you did all just show up when you didn’t know the deceased in any way.
But if she’s wishing you would go to be a support for her, that’s different. She should have expressed that was the case though if so.
You'd go to weddings of friends a couple of hours away. You'd go to your friend's holiday parties a couple of hours away...but your good friend asks you to go to inlaw grandmother's funeral...and you don't want to be bothered. BUT you'd do it for a party. But not when your friend wants emotional support. Hmmm. OK.
I THINK I'd be hurt and angry too.
Great point & I usually think of that kind of thing myself. So apparently, the long commute & time invested (to commute & stay, etc.) isn't the issue. The OP seems to be a fair-weathered friend...only there for the fun times, but not the bad/sad times.
I had posted what I said below & I still think that as well, but I totally agree w/ the above too. We're only hearing the OP's side of this story, so of course, the OP will make this other lady appear like some demanding, entitled, attention-starving lady. But, who really knows.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue
If that's how she's going to be, let her be angry. What, just because she was 95, everyone in the county has to come or something?!
Why you just take things out of context that I would only be their for fun times. I’ve been there for all different things. Moves, divorces etc....there hasn’t been anything else yet.
Why you just take things out of context that I would only be their for fun times. I’ve been there for all different things. Moves, divorces etc....there hasn’t been anything else yet.
Because that's what you told us.
You SAID you went to the weddings that were far away. You SAID you went to their holiday parties that were far away.
But you don't want to attend THIS because...it's far away. It sounds pretty "fair weather" to me.
I don't think I'm taking a darn thing out of context.
If a friend specifically asked me to attend a wake/funeral, I can't imagine saying no. That said, I've never been asked, nor have I ever been in a discussion about which friends would attend or not unless we were riding together, buying flowers or bringing food to the home. It's something people decide to do on their own out of respect for the surviving friend.
I drove 7 hours one way to attend a visitation for my sweet friend who lost her father, she didn't know I was coming, I just wanted to hug her and we cried together a little while. Then I turned around and went home. Worth every hour.
I wouldn't go to the wake or funeral of a friend's recent husband's grandmother even if it were local. Too many degrees of separation.
If it were my friend's grandmother, perhaps ... if friend and I were very close and I knew that friend were particularly close to her grandmother, I might go to a local service for moral support.
I agree. I have been to many funerals for friends and co-workers immediate family member such as parent, spouse, sibling or child. Occasionally I have attended the funeral of a close friend's spouse's parent, but in those cases I was also friends with the spouse.
While I have attended many funerals, to my recollection, I have never attended the funeral of anyone's grandparent (excluding my grandparents and my husband's grandparents). Now to me it would be different if a friend was raised by their grandparent/aunt/uncle/foster parent (as they took on the role of parent to them). In that case, I probably would attend.
Is it possible that your friend comes from a family/cultural group/geographic area where it is expected to attend funerals with that distance of connection with the deceased? Perhaps that is why she is disappointed and angry.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-15-2019 at 04:13 PM..
OP, was she close to the grandmother-in-law? Do you know WHY your friend wanted you and others to travel to attend her husband's grandmother's funeral? I'm curious about the motivation. Was she genuinely looking for moral support because it was going to be a difficult day for her to get through? Was she looking for company to help pass the time because she really didn't want to go and figures misery loves company? Does she want her husband's family to be impressed by all the good friends she has?
OP, was she close to the grandmother-in-law? Do you know WHY your friend wanted you and others to travel to attend her husband's grandmother's funeral? I'm curious about the motivation. Was she genuinely looking for moral support because it was going to be a difficult day for her to get through? Was she looking for company to help pass the time because she really didn't want to go and figures misery loves company? Does she want her husband's family to be impressed by all the good friends she has?
She barely knows his grandmother but he was close to her. She wants people to go because thats just how she is. She doesn’t mean harm but expects people to be by the book like she is. You attend all funerals, you buy gifts for everyone’s bday or house warming, graduation etc....even if you don’t have the money, you call everyone on their bday and expect others to even if you don’t know them well. Like for example it was one of her friends bday that I don’t know well and she texted me her number and said “Here is her number if you wants to call or text her”.
She barely knows his grandmother but he was close to her. She wants people to go because thats just how she is. She doesn’t mean harm but expects people to be by the book like she is. You attend all funerals, you buy gifts for everyone’s bday or house warming, graduation etc....even if you don’t have the money, you call everyone on their bday and expect others to even if you don’t know them well. Like for example it was one of her friends bday that I don’t know well and she texted me her number and said “Here is her number if you wants to call or text her”.
That's just how she is? Well now it's time to introduce her to how YOU are.
Just say, "I appreciate your concern, but I don't know Heather well at all and I'm not comfortable texting her. I'm sure she'll be glad to get your greeting, though!"
Or "I'm so sorry for Greg's loss. Unfortunately I can't make it to the service, but please give him a hug for me."
Then move on.
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